My partner won't sleep with me! What can I do?!

[lovemybabes]

Hello!

I just wrote a whole page, but then managed to delete it somehow, and now I have to go, but....

... to cut a long story short, my partner's libido has totally dropped off (unless he's having an affair, he swears he isn't), and he just doesn't want to be intimate or sleep with me.

But he says he loves me, wants to be with me forever and raise our two lovely kids, and doesn't want anyone else.

I can't agree to being in a celibate relationship with no hope of renewal of our once-healthy sex life. We've barely slept together for the past four years.

Arghghg, going ker-razy. Anyone else experiencing this?

Have you spoken to him?
Is he stressed?

We talk about it. He says he doesn't understand it and thinks it might be a side effect of the drugs he's taking for gout. But he doesn't want to talk to a doctor about it.

It could be medication (if he is taking any). Four years is a long time, don't think I could do it.

Have you tried talking about it or seeing a sex therapist?

Are you intimate with each other (excluding sex)Cuddles, cosying up on the sofa?

I think sex therapy's a good idea actually. Before it really eats into our relationship. We don't seem to get anywhere talking about it to each other. I always sound like I'm begging for sex or nagging, even though I'm trying not to. Where's the best place to find a good therapist I wonder? GP?

We do cuddle on the sofa, but nothing in bed anymore. If I initiate even stroking or kissing he gets annoyed. It's really odd!

Would he agree to a sex therapist? Does it bother him? Why doesn't he want to talk to the GP about the possibility of it being the medication? Four years is a long time.

Do you know if he still gets erections or could that be part of the problem?

Thanks for all your replies.

He's embarassed to say he has no libido to anyone but me.

Plus, the side effect of having no libido, is that you don't miss having a libido. Apart from when I bring it up as an issue, he doesn't feel that anything is wrong, because he doesn't feel the urge to have sex anymore. If that makes sense...

If he felt something was missing, and felt we should do something about it, I would feel better.

He does get erections. I haven't asked how often etc though. Maybe we should see a therapist, at least they'd ask the right questions.

Hmmm, this could be depression, could be lots of things.

It could be a side-effect of the meds. It could be diabetes, or similar. It could be depression. Does he still get erections, at all? (in his sleep? You can check using a strip of stamps ... obviously with his involvement!) Does he masturbate?

I'd probably point out that a) this is a problem for you and b) it could be a symptom of Something Wrong with his body, so he really should talk to the GP about it.

I think you can find sex therapists through Relate, but I would probably try to eliminate physical causes first. And, of course, if he can't talk to anyone about this stuff, a sex therapist may not be able to do much.

You could try searching on the internet to see if the medication does cause this and then if it does see your Dr and get it changed. As for the sex therpist Dr would be best to see as they would have the ones that are recommended.

If he is on Allopurinol then this can cause it on rare occasions.

Yes, it's allopurinol! That's interesting. It sounds like whatever it is, he needs to start by seeing his GP. He actually went to his GP about it, but was too embarassed to mention it and instead talked about his cholesterol.

Could you go with him?

Or ask him to bring a note maybe, raise it that way? Find a way that works for him ...

We talked about it just now. He's going to go to the doctor again. I offered to come with him. Thanks notquitecockney - it could be a sign of something quite serious going on like diabetes, so all the more reason to get it checked out.

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Gosh someone who knows what it's like. How long is it since you were 8 months pregnant?

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no that's fine! in fact in many ways the stage you're at is hardest. after a while you start to accept the situation to some extent.

and yes, me too - the hurtful thing is that he has "time to himself", and comments on other ladies' attractiveness in real life and on tv etc. it seems to me that everything's working for him, just not with me...

honestly sometimes i think i'm a textbook case for a woman oblivious to an affair, but then he says it's nothing like that.

it starts to affect your self esteem and self image after a while, which isn't good for me as a mummy or as a person in my own right. so something has to be done!!

what do you think you will do about it, if anything, knickers?

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Hmmm, I think it's possible to find people attractive (including your partner) but still not feel like having sex with them. There are so many possible underlying causes for loss of libido, ranging from diabetes, depression, anxiety, etc et ...

lovemybabes, it does sound like maybe a medication side effect. But yes, the GP is a good starting point, erection problems are often an early warning sign for other medical issues.

Yes, best to rule out medication side effects and other physical causes before panicking about our relationship I guess.