Would you do whatever it takes to keep a relationship with your child?

[Newmnname15]

I’ve name changed for this, but am an MN regular.

DD’s father and I divorced several years ago. He remained in marital home, mesher order was made, house is now on the market.

Ex is mid 60’s, retired. DD has finished at college, due to her career choice will not be going to uni.

I bought a house, and needed to borrow a large deposit, 60k. My plan is to use part of the settlement to repay the deposit.

DD has known about the house sale for a while now. She has bern upset about it, but has needed to concentrate on college and just being a teenager.

She is now aware that the house is in the market. I’ve always known that when this happens, she would be upset. Ex’s family have fed her poison about me, and as her allegiance is with her poor, older, destitute father, she has chosen to believe what they have told her.
He is not destitute, he had a good civil service pension.

So DD has now said that unless I do something to stop the sale of the house so that she and her father don’t have to move, she won’t ever have any contact with me again.

She is spiralling, and has many thoughts in her head. She is seeing me taking the settlement as unreasonable.

So whilst I know that her upset is due to the reality of the situation now the house is in the market, I know how stubborn and very black and white her world is.

I’m asking for advice please. Do I ride this out, and risk losing what is a very lovely relationship with her, or do I ask her father to look at equity release and me remortgage to make up the difference so I can repay the 60k?

I don’t know enough about equity release, but ex would need to pay the interest every month.

It can't be a 'lovely relationship' if she's blackmailing you like this. She is old enough to see how the world works and I'd tell her the truth about things and let her come around eventually.
If you do have the basis of a good relationship she will realise how childish she is being and resume things.

Does she refuse to believe it when you told her about his pension ? Can you get hold of anything to prove he will have a pension?

The ex's family might have claimed he has no pension and you are lying about the existence of a pension.

Her world may well be black and white but it doesn't give her the right to blackmail you .if you give in this time she'll carry on doing it . This coming from someone with a DD who is prepared to destroy someone to get her way . They think because we're parents we will take it . Make her understand this is your life too !.

I think there is more to this story that you're deliberately omitting. She has sided with her "poor" dad, everyone seems to be against you, and her legitimate upset at having to leave her family home is being referred to as "spiralling".

Can you ex buy you out? was this considered?

Tell her absolutely everything. Then with all the cards on the table, work together to find a solution. You maintain the relationship with your child by being open and honest. Acknowledging her feelings and problem solving together.

I have family like this.
They're nuts and narcissistic. Give in to their ultimatums at your peril.

It's not worth it in the long run, a teenager or adult who thinks they have that kind of power over you won't stop at this. All you'll do is martyr yourself out for their stupid whims to your detriment, but they won't ever acknowledge that they'll claim you're all kinds of things to feed their stupid narcissistic narrative.

You don't have a lovely relationship I'm afraid or else she wouldn't be emotionally blackmailing you.

You should absolutely ride this out. You are progressing in a direction you feel is fair and justified and you can't allow your DD to blackmail you into giving up what you feel is right, on principle. For a start it sends the message that you were being unreasonable and can manage without the house sale, so will confirm her view. Secondly, where will it end? Will she threaten to withdraw from you if you don't get back together? Care for him in his old age..?
Appeasement is never the answer when we are dictated to, whoever is trying to coerce us.

@mondaytosunday, DD is very reactive, also this has been building since she was told, maybe 18 months ago.
We spend a lot of time together, we talk every day that she isn’t with me, just a nice Mum and daughter relationship.
I really hope that she will calm down enough to rationalise her thoughts.

@Thehouseofmarvels she knows about his pensions. We had a further conversation when they went up by I think 10% recently.

@PaintedEgg, I’ve omitted the reasons we divorced, because he is a narcissistic and controlling. Because he is a pretty shabby father who when DD was very unwell refused to believe there was anything wrong with her. I could go on.
Her father has always played the victim. He has always had the view pint that I didn’t contribute financially throughout the marriage. I did, and I worked reduced hours to parent DD whilst he worked two jobs, by choice, not out of financial necessity.

He had never considered DD’s feelings, used her distress to ensure my distress and concern for her over this house sale. A decent father would have reassured her, told her that this is divorce law. A decent father would have taken my out of court settlement offer to avoid a house sale.

No, I wasn’t in a position to buy him out. And I’m not willing to sell my house and move there, I wouldn’t do that in any case.

@AelinAshriver, I have tried to do that
to an extent. I’ve always been conscious of protecting her from all the negativity, but I have told her some of the factors with her father.

@Newmnname15 in this case just give it time. Your daughter will eventually fall victim to his tactics and see for herself why you noped out. It may tale awhile but she will come around

@tableofjelly, so how can I be so wrong about the nature of my relationship with DD? I’ve seen and DD has talked about other Mum/daughter relationships between her friends and some of those relationships are very different to ours.

@5128gap I know you are right.

@PaintedEgg, thank you. Sorry if I was harsh in my response.

Black and white thinker rings true. I was a black and white thinker, but at 36 discovered to my surprise that grey areas lurk everywhere within life and I was shocked I never saw it before!

Carry on with your plans, make it clear you are there for her when she realises that there are always 3 sides to a story

@Whattodowithit88, it must be so difficult, I’m guessing?
Ive always thought that she is stubborn, but now I’m reflecting I think it may be because she cannot see any other options or different perspectives in situations.

You can of course have a lovely relationship and still have one person try to influence the other if they feel sufficiently strongly about something. The DD is young and her attempts to influence are desperate and heavy handed. Just like a child who tells you they hate you when it's time to leave the park. This matters a lot to her and she's bringing out the biggest gun in her arsenal to try and get her desired outcome because she lacks the life experience to take a more nuanced and considered approach.

Wow she sounds manipulative black mailing you not to sell. She's not a baby. She's classed as an adult now and the house has to be sold as part of the settlement. If she can't understand that then that's her fault.

No, she isn’t a baby, but equally as @5128gap had said, she lacks the life experience to fully understand the situation.

Because sadly, she's emotionally blackmailing you, and apparently listening to poison about you from her dads side of the family.

So it’s been a few days now. I’ve been consistent in messaging morning and night to DD as I always do. I think this is important to keep a line of communication open so that she doesn’t feel that she cannot talk with me should she choose to.

She isn’t reading the messages, but that’s ok obviously.

My head is honestly all over the place, I swing from anger at her father, to just being so upset that things have turned out as they are.

I am by nature a fixer. Should I reach out to her, and ask her if she wants someone who is neutral in this to talk with her about the options? I cannot stop the sale of the house. But I can write the options her father will have. Maybe help her gain some perspective on this?

The advice isn’t going to be any different to that you received on your last threads.

You are aware your daughter’s recollection of past events is different to yours, and why.

@whumpthereitis I was asking for advice re going forward, as in should I leave it to DD to contact, or make contact to try and help her.

I’m sorry if this is rehashing the original question but I’m upset about this whole situation, and obviously I appreciate that my daughter is too.