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Relationships

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Original poster

Partner and his ex - what to do?

20 replies

SummerBunn · 08/07/2023 10:02

My partner of three years has been divorced for twelve years. He and his exwife share custody of their three teenagers (17, 15, 13).

The teenagers know me and my dc, though we don't spend loads of time together (they have teenage hobbies etc).

The divorce was triggered by my partner. His exw was given the house etc, fair enough. She has never forgiven him or moved on it seems. However, my partner also still goes along with any demands she has. For example, yesterday he told me that during the summer holidays he will have the younger teens most of the time, despite exw barely working and him paying a lot of maintenance. He doesnt want this, but exwife gets angry if she doesn't get her way, she has a busy social life. He can never go away more than two nights with me or she starts ranting (I've seen in action) because it impacts her social life.

Equally, if exwife wants to go on weekends away with her friends, my partner always agrees to forsake his free weekends in order to have kids and keep peace with the ex.

This all makes it very difficult to have a committed relationship with him. I do believe he loves me and we do still spend plenty of time together, but we could never live together in future etc, as I'm the only one with assets because he continues to choose to overpay the maintenance and leave himself broke, despite her using a lot on her social life! He says he wants a peaceful life.

I guess this dysfunctional relationship between them will never change? And I have to accept that even if he loves me, he clearly isn't moving towards building a future with me, he's still doing whatever the ex wants as a priority. Any thoughts appreciated?

OP posts:

tescocreditcard · 08/07/2023 10:10

My thoughts - and this will not go down well here - would be to continue to date him whilst you look for a more suitable lifelong partner.

He sounds like boyfriend material, not husband material.

HundredMilesAnHour · 08/07/2023 10:31

He's taking the easy option for 'a peaceful life'. But that effectively means he's choosing easy over you. He's weak. Sounds like you deserve better.

theWarOnPeace · 08/07/2023 10:39

How often does he have them though? All of this about paying loads of maintenance- how much is it?

She was left with a 1, 3 and 5 year old and we don’t know the circumstances or how much he’s practically helped at the time or since. I’d be telling an ex who was involved with the kids to have them while I did what I wanted to do, too! If she has them majority of the time and is ferrying them around and being the ‘main’ parent, why shouldn’t she expect him to have them in holidays? It’s hard to say without knowing the circumstances, but just from the surface of your OP I’d be more sympathetic to the EXW but I have lots of bitter experience both myself and most of my friends.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 08/07/2023 10:42

Its quite a simple choice really.

Either accept this is how it is and is how it will always be. Or walk away.

He’s already shown you that he won’t change things so don’t waste your time unless you’re happy to live like that forever.

Softoprider · 08/07/2023 10:44

Hi OP. You say your bloke wants a peaceful life. When he says this passive aggressive statement he is aiming it directly at you. It's a broadside to shut you up. He does not want the aggro from his wife so you have to either put up or shut up for his peaceful life. I feel the rage here

KirstenBlest · 08/07/2023 10:48

Move on or the XW will be in your life forever, even when his DC are adults.

Original poster

SummerBunn · 08/07/2023 11:03

Thanks. In answer to questions, he has the kids three nights per week, including some school runs. He works full time, she's barely worked since he left. Anytime there's an unexpected cost, she asks him for the money (eg new boiler needed at her house) which is beyond what he's expected to pay as maintenance. He just pays it and therefore has no money to build a future.

I get on fine with her as I understand these are their business not mine, but it makes a committed relationship difficult. She gets angry easily and will just demand, eg 'Teen 1 wants to go to London, can you drive them next week, I'm busy doing Y (which is usually socialising, not working).

I agree that his behaviour is weak, but I can't help thinking if he was more committed to me he'd have stood up to all this by now. I'm divorced myself, but work FT and don't 'punish' my exh.

OP posts:

TattoedLady · 08/07/2023 11:14

Hmm...I think you should realise that his ex isn't the problem. Yes, she might be exerting control, but he's happy to go along with it for a peaceful life. HE's choosing to prioritise HIS easy life because it suits him. Not all divorced men behave like this...just the ones with very unhealthy boundaries.

(BTW Having the kids over the summer is normal in our house - we have them 50/50, DP pays maintenance on top of that and we have them all summer. Also normal is me not giving a fiddlers about ex's social life!)

I think the reason it's difficult to have a committed relationship with this man is because he's not prioritising a relationship with you. And if you stay with him you'll play second fiddle for the rest of your life.

theWarOnPeace · 08/07/2023 11:48

Thanks for answering my question re the time, I mean that sounds good that he has them regularly and participates in their lives, but paying for a boiler seems a bit excessive …. But then it’s so difficult to say if the exw is being unreasonable in her demands without going over every detail between them both. I think, ultimately, if he’s like this and sees it as right and proper, being the best thing for his kids then you’re going to either have to suck it up or call it a day.

In my mind as a single parent, I’ve always thought that if I got with a man with kids then we’d always (and preferable for me) live sort of separate lives. I don’t see what influence you’d ever have on a long standing dynamic, or even if that would be the best thing for you and your own kids? It might sound sad or cynical but having been dropped from a great height by my EXH, any future building is done by me, for me and my kids. I would never merge futures with anyone ever again and even if the most wonderful man came along I’d be like ok…. Be wonderful a short drive/walk away.

I think you’re wanting a more committed future with someone who is taken in many respects. They may not be in a romantic relationship, but he’s tied up with his ex and their kids in his own way, and at this stage it’s unlikely anyone will change that. Isn’t seeing him a couple of nights at a time enough? I think this is what happens as we get older, pre-existing commitments mean that not everyone can do the ‘normal’ pathway of dating and getting more serious at the standard pace, moving in after a while etc. he might be doing you a favour by not being able to commit heavily to you. If it’s not the pace for you or the future you want you’ll have to rethink the whole relationship, because none of this is going away.

I had an ex boyfriend in this situation but years ago before I had kids myself. I was broken hearted to walk away from him but it was the right thing to do in the end. Even now nearly twenty years down the line him and his exw are always doing loads together for their grown up kids, and the eldest is about to have a baby. Ultimately they chose to have the kids together and were married, I think it’s only right people raise them in partnership and is better than the division we see so often. For me that coparenting thing hasn’t happened, and neither has it happened for any of my friends so I may well be biased and bitter!

GreyCarpet · 08/07/2023 11:56

Tbh, all the details about the amount of time he spends with the children and why, her social life and what she spends the maintenance money on are irrelevant.

You're not going to change any of that, nor should you try and it's not really any of your business.

Your only decision should be whether it suits you and what you want out of a relationship.

If it doesn't, then end it.

Azerothi · 08/07/2023 12:02

You seem to be intent on blaming your boyfriend's ex wife for the problems he has. If he wanted to be in a committed relationship with you he would.

You sound very over invested in this relationship. Far more than your boyfriend is. It doesn't even sound like you live together.

gettingthethrow · 08/07/2023 12:10

Azerothi · 08/07/2023 12:02

You seem to be intent on blaming your boyfriend's ex wife for the problems he has. If he wanted to be in a committed relationship with you he would.

You sound very over invested in this relationship. Far more than your boyfriend is. It doesn't even sound like you live together.

I agree with all of this.

Original poster

SummerBunn · 08/07/2023 12:12

I agree, it isn't any of my business what she does and I've always got on fine with her. I also agree that it's his free choice to have this dynamic and arrangement with her.

I guess I would have hoped that in a few years when our kids have grown up, then he and I would live together, but this seems unlikely based on his choices.

He does claim to love me and be committed to me. When I met him through OLD I was still hoping to meet someone potentially for marriage etc. Guess he's not the one, sadly.

OP posts:

gettingthethrow · 08/07/2023 12:15

I think you shouldn't underestimate the amount of guilt he might still be carrying for leaving her, perhaps?

Original poster

SummerBunn · 08/07/2023 17:43

@gettingthethrow very true. Shame it wasn't clear when I met him that we'd never be able to go on holiday more than a couple of days etc. Or perhaps sadly for me, he would do that for a different woman, he's just not that into me....

OP posts:

OrbandSpectacle · 08/07/2023 18:03

Or perhaps sadly for me, he would do that for a different woman, he's just not that into me....

Like those men who refuse to marry a long term partner. The woman walks away. Months later the man is loved up with a new woman and proposes to her.

TMS0218 · 28/05/2024 00:47

The problem is in the ex-wife the problem is him he’s not making himself or your relationship or priority. Don’t let him manipulate you and say it’s about the kids it’s not the kids aren’t making the choices here the ex-wife is this is an ex-wife of his, so what if she throws a fit he needs to ignore her and put his foot down if a neighbor came over and yell and scream to you all the time would he tolerate that if your ex-boyfriend started insisting and scheduling and having control over your social life and your time with him. Would he be OK with that? No he wouldn’t, it’s about boundaries. He doesn’t know how to stick up for himself or being in a relationship. He is what “ mentally married”
As long as he’s going to act like her husband, then he can’t be your boyfriend and that’s exactly what he’s doing by putting her needs first above his own and your relationship has nothing to do with parenting. Don’t let him put it on that platform.

DeeCeeCherry · 28/05/2024 00:55

I bet its not the case that she's the totally evil witch ex and he's a living saint.

He's not in a fully committed relationship with you, because he doesn't want to be. His ex wife's social life etc is nothing to do with you at all. You're way too busy peeping into her life instead of facing up to the reality of your own life. If you can't deal with a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship then leave and find your marriage material man.

Opentooffers · 28/05/2024 02:50

You've given it 3 years and there's been no progress. It's never going to be easy trying a relationship with someone who has the DC's on an ad hoc basis, rather than a fixed pattern. 12 years and still enmeshed, so not likely to change.
There's also the possibility he could be hiding behind his DC's, does he really never go longer than 2 days without having them? Sounds ridiculous and could be an excuse , the extra over summer could be real, or a way of doing a slow fade? You might be right, if he was enthusiastic about your relationship, he'd of found ways to arrange the time.
Once upon a time, he dumped his ex with 5, 3 and 1 year old children, not sure I'd begrudge her getting what she can out of it since. I'd guess there was some OW at the time as he didn't give it long after the last was born. So given he has questionable loyalty, how sure are you that the DC's are not merely an excuse?

Cherrysoup · 28/05/2024 11:07

He isn’t that bothered, OP, sorry. Never allowed to be away more than 2 nights? Constantly paying for stuff over and above maintenance is all very well, but why doesn’t she work more with 3 school aged kids?

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