Sisters in law? What would you do??

[Justallabitmeh]

Hi,

im not sure what I’m looking for with this post, I think just a vent and to hopefully find people who’ve experienced similar and offer some wisdom/comfort.

My partner (we’ve been together 7 years) has 3 sisters and whilst on the surface they’re very pleasant to me I know they don’t like me, I’ve overheard them speak about me before, there’s a fair few passive aggressive (albeit some more subtle than others) little things and often leaving me out.
So for example planning family things when they know I can’t make it because of work or going silent when I walk in a room or making unkind comments but as if its a joke, encouraging the children to call other partners aunt/uncle but just me by my first name and just a sort of general vibe as well, take little interest in my life whilst I make an effort for their stuff etc.

Now I know they’re perfectly within their rights not to find me their cup of tea, but it just really gets me down and I’ve absolutely no idea what, if anything I can do about it.

ive spoke to my partner about some of it but it’s hard to explain or show him what I mean and they are often different when he’s around.

I know people may say distance yourself and in some ways I try and I try to just ignore it but they’re a close family and I want my son to see his cousins, it’s just I come home from every family meet up feeling a bit shit really.

Just play with the children if that's a possibility. It's the way I avoid the adult drama of DP's family!

People tell you to distance yourself because it's the only reasonable thing you can do to protect your own well-being and to not be a doormat.

You will never be able to force these people into being kind to you. You've tried, it doesn't work. They have no interest in your life so return the favour. Life is far too short to expend your emotional energy on people who are toxic and/or offer no value to your life.

You child will be fine even if he doesn't have a close relationship with his cousins. Your child needs a happy mum and he needs you to model how we can't allow negative people to infect our lives, family or not.

tell Your partner what you have said here, that is uncomfortable an you are not putting yourself in that position again so will no longer be going to family events.

he can talk your child on his own

Your son can see these people without you having to, and that’s what I’d be doing if I was you. You shouldn’t have to deal with this from these women. I wouldn’t bother making an effort either to make an effort for those stuff , they probably feed off of this knowing that they give you zero and you give them something in return. They probably laugh about it. I know it’s hard with in laws, navigating them can be tough, but we must do what makes us feel good and we need to protect ourselves too. You didn’t marry his family, you married him. You guys made a new family, that’s what’s important now, not his 3 bitchy sisters . If you need to stay away to protect your feelings , you do just that!

Your partner can take charge of managing his child's connection with his own family. That is reasonable even in a situation without this passive-aggressive dynamic going on.

You don't need to attend family gatherings. Take the time to do whatever hobbies or self-care you want to do for yourself.

They sound very unpleasant and you'll probably never been accepted so you'll be wasting your time and efforts trying to force it.

It is a sad situation but you can feel free to avoid them as much as humanly possible from now on, and try to find a way to make peace with that.

Op I am going to give you advice
here - don’t go to every meet up

i certainly don’t (I’m polite but I don’t like the vibe a lot of the time for different reasons) so dh brings the kids and I get an hour to myself

it’s been mentioned but I don’t care and breeze it out the next time I go and to be honest I get treated a bit more respectfully now although I am an outsider. They sound spiteful

They don’t sound as if they are very pleasant. They sound snide and nderhand.

My ex H had six sisters ! who were much the same as you describe. You honestly can't fix this problem - they won't change. Naturally your DH thinks they are different - they are not like this with him !

What I did was what other pp have suggested - avoid them when possible. Your son can have a relationship with his cousins by seeing them with his dad. It's not going to be perfect, but that's what you get when people are nasty.

If your DH wants to make a big deal of it, just tell him plain and simple - your sisters ARE nasty to me, no matter what you think, and I'm not going to socialise with people who treat me like that. End of story. Don't let him guilt you into reconnecting with them - you'll just go back to square 1 again.

I did this and I enjoyed a much happier life. My kids did know their cousins - maybe not in the wonderfully close way that I'd dreamed of , but they had some good times, and as adults they are all still friendly. That's all you can hope for really.

hello,
that is very shitty of them for leaving you out especially when you and your partner have been together for such a long period.

I know that others on here are saying to takenyoureslefnawaynfrommthe situation but from your post I don’t think this is what you’re after? You want to be included and be made to feel like you’re part of the family.
I would still have a chat with your partner in a non accusing manner, play it dumb by asking him to observe how they (sisters) act around you because “you’re not sure if you’re being paranoid”

I would also agree with the other who have said to spend time playing with the children.
Be the best auntie that the cousins wished they could play with all the time, and be the coolest mum around your baby so the cousins wished that you were their mum. Maybe if the sisters see how amazing you are with their children may be they’ll be a little more kind to you?

You can't change the situation you can only manage it. I have similar with dh family. Firstly I stopped being the first point of contact. I'd get dh to ring/make arrangements. Second I reduced how often we visit/meet up. Third I stopped expecting anything from them and learnt to never ask for a favour .

I would decide how often you would want to visit and for how long. Then stick to that, if your dh has issue he can visit more regularly. Don't expect anything from them, stick to polite chit chat and mostly play with kids.

Im childish but i would stop my children calling them aunty this and aunty that. Call them by their first names and if they mention it, tell them why.

I would avoid them as much as possible. There was the same situation when I was growing up, and it never got better. I hardly ever saw my cousins and have not missed anything; friendships were more important.

It's like a clan, and they get off on the fact that they're not letting you in, so if it was me, I wouldn't even try, and would make it clear that I'm not interested in them or their lives.

Good luck with it!

Avoid as much as possible.

If you're not careful it will be the boiling frog analogy. They will end up doing and saying things that any 'normal' person wouldn't believe unless they witnessed it, but you'll have been de-sensitised to it so you will end up minimising it or thinking it's your fault.

I have this with a relative of OH. I just say 'is x going to be there ?' If they are I join at say no. It's caused a few problems but I don't care.

I found out this is what people are, unfortunately. In my job the minute someone leaves the room or has a day off, everyone talks behind their back all kinds of rubbish. The manager has a day off and people complain from her and she is actually a lovely woman

i think the best is to mind your own family, hopefully DP will turn to a proper family to you and focus on the good rather than negative

Thanks for everyone’s replies, that’s made me feel a bit better.

i think I’ve distanced myself as much as I can, I only go to occasions that seem unavoidable (though maybe I’m wrong there), so like birthdays etc. and partner is one who arranges/contacts them.

I was also once, years ago, roped into attending one of their hen dos which was a bit of eye opener in how they view me (stuck me in a room with someone I didn’t know and they didn’t really seem to like either when everyone else was with friends)

I just feel down about it and it’s such a shame, their parents are lovely and that does mean I end up seeing the sisters when his parents help us with childcare so it’s hard to avoid them more

They sound jealous of you, honestly. That’s really unpleasant and deliberately unkind. And it won’t change. It really won’t. You’ve tried and tried for years - and for what? Time to take a step back and disengage. It will make you feel a million times better.

Thanks, I am/have tried to disengage and see them as little as possible but they’ve 8 kids between them as well
so it’s always someone’s birthday or this or that, so I don’t know how to distance/disengage more without it being a big drama. Ugh honestly so pleased I’m an only child and don’t have this drama on my side, it makes pleased I dont have siblings.

As most of the pp: avoid as much as possible, don't explain or justify etc.

I would view it positively: free time. I would plan something nice: trip to the cinema, massage, lovely relaxing bath, go for a walk, watch something on telly soothing or that makes you laugh etc you get the idea.

The important thing is not to give these awful people head space.

Do you think it would be unreasonable to speak to partner again about this even though I don’t want him to say or do anything about it?

Tell your partner how sad this has made you. It won't change anything but you need to feel he has your back. If you have to visit these horrible women, just say hello and then ignore them, engage with the children as much as you can and look like you are having the most excellent time. Also get support from friends, and make new friends so you care less about these nasty fuckers.