Long one.
Bit of background first, Me and my boyf (M25) have been together 8 years, our 1st&only daughter has just turned 9 months. I work 30 hours a week, only had 6 months off maternity and my boyfriend recently bought his own business.
Lately we just don't get along I feel like he's a-whole-nother person (again back story I suffer from depression and anxiety and have been on and off medication a couple of times currently not on it but this man has literally showered me, washed my hair etc when I've not been able to do it for days whilst I just sat at the bottom and cried, got me out, dressed me. Seen me at my lowest. He's a good man)
However lately, he just seems to constantly belittle me and what I do e.g. I'm horrible, I'm nasty, I'm not supportive, I hardly clean my house (baring in mind my my mum has OCD so im constantly deepcleaning my house bevause its what im used to been that way since been young), I don't do anything, whenever I ask for help for the night feeds (he does 1 a week when I'm up at 5am for work) I just get "I've got work I should be sleeping"
I just think why is it different when I'm at work? He doesn't take over the night feeds then? Like I wouldn't expect him to do all 7 but you get me? Hes an amazing dad in the day, he couldnt do more for her. Nappy changes, feedings, meals, yales her on walks like 3 times a day to help her sleep, baths on days im at work, looks after her 2 days a week when im at work, literally in the day anything he can do for her he'll do its just night times. He's constantly calling me a cunt, a stupid bitch, a silly bitch. Hands up yes I've called him a prick back but I'm one of those people who honestly don't swear unless I'm super, super wound up I just don't think you need to articulate yourself that way but I'm just struggling so bad.
He wants me to be all lovey dovey, cuddly, nice and want him around me but hes constantly calling me names, belittling me and what I do, belittling what I bring to/do for our family. He literally make me feel like a piece of shit anyway he can then expect me to be happy, positive and want to do stuff with him. Lately I don't even feel like I'm able to relax around him! Nothing is good enough for him. I'm on the defensive all the time. He don't want to help with night feeds unless I'm on an early and then all he does is give me an excuse "you don't let me" I'm asking for help so why would i not let him? I understand the business has been stressful and hes getting into a new routine but he has more time to help me and I feel like it's making it harder. I feel like a shitty person, a shitty mum and just shitty in general whenever hes around. He never make me feel good about myself. At night be winds me up on purpose I'm constantly telling him to stop then he want me to cuddle him? I don't understand how. He says I don't care but how can I show him I care about him when he constantly makes me feel like shit, when he constantly wants a negative reaction, when I don't even feel comfortable and relaxed around him?
I love him so much and I love our family and if I try to talk to him about it all I get is that it's all my fault and all the "your nasty, your horrible etc. It's hurting my heart.
How do I make him see that I don't want to show him I love him when I'm constantly on edge/on the defensive when he's around because of the way he's behaving😭 I know I'm to blame because I am distant and snappy but it's because of the way he's making me feel how do I get that through to him?
Sorry its so long and thankyou if you got this far