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Relationships

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Original poster

Partner working away :(

21 replies

Becky332 · 07/07/2023 21:22

I’m having a bit of a crisis with myself and just starting to feel really depressed now as me and my partner had been looking for ages now too move homes and we finally found one we like and went ahead with the application etc .. as we really need to move out of where we are .

If we do move homes he is saying he’s probably going to have to stay away during the weekday and then come home on the weekend as travel money will cost too much a month as the work will be 2 hours away. We have 2 kids aged 1 and 3 together and I have a dog also so it’s really hard dealing with them especially as my 3 year old is non verbal too . I had said to him why can’t you work more closer because I feel like I’m just going to be distant with him, he’s already been away for a week and a half now where we are living currently but this is temporary just until we move . I just feel really distant with him already with this and then him going to be away every single weekday is just hurting me .

When I did ask him if he could work closer to our new place he says it’s apart of his borderline personality disorder he has to work with people he knows as he’s working with his friend .

am I wrong for feeling like this ? Is this even fair ? I can’t cope . I’m so happy he’s working but I just can’t take it him being away every weekday I really wish he would just work somewhere closer to us

OP posts:

Original poster

Becky332 · 07/07/2023 21:30

He says he will quit if I really feel sh** about it but I don’t want to be the reason he quits and then doesn’t want to look elsewhere for a job I would just feel too bad as we do need the money but the working away is just to much . He says the money is too good bla bla but

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90yomakeuproom · 07/07/2023 21:35

Don't move then?

chohiad · 07/07/2023 21:38

Don't do it. Being a weekend dad is not a good family life. We have had to do it occasionally over the years as DH is military, no way would I actively choose to do so if it is avoidable. If he can't change jobs, change the house. I'd be concerned about his lack of concern though, his priorities are questionable. Where would he live?

MaxTalk · 07/07/2023 23:28

Yep don't move. 2 hours away? Tell him to get a new job closer to home or go and earn more money.

badluckorbadvibes · 07/07/2023 23:35

I had said to him why can’t you work more closer

Why on earth would you move so far away from his work and then expect him to change job?

Original poster

Becky332 · 08/07/2023 11:55

We have applied for this new home before he even got this job

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Original poster

Becky332 · 08/07/2023 12:04

I said this to him myself about his priorities and us as a family . He’s said he would stay at his family friends home somebody he is close with or he would just quit altogether but says it’s my decision to make and I don’t even want to make that decision I don’t want that being put on to me . Also yeah I would want to live closer bur we were looking for a home for agess ! and this other tenant 2 hours away is the only person who would actually swap with us as nobody else in our city would because our rent is sky high . After a long search we have agreed too this house because it’s in the best interest of all of us and really need too move out because of our circumstances and he knows this

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Original poster

Becky332 · 08/07/2023 12:04

If you see the another comment I’ve just made on here that’s the reason why and we also applied before he got this job

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chohiad · 08/07/2023 12:09

If the best house you've found means one of you can't live in it 5 days a week I'd argue it's not an idea house! And if it's a new job with a friend, who was he working with before? Tbh, he just doesn't sound very committed to the family.

Original poster

Becky332 · 08/07/2023 12:21

he wasn’t even working before he would do jobs here and there if it was offered to him but his family friend but other than that he didn’t have any jobs as says he needs to work with somebody he knows because of his borderline personality disorder . So confused . That’s all he brings up when I tell him to work somewhere closer and how it’ll be better for all of us . When I do say it isn’t fair he says I’m gonna be getting money either way and how the money is good and how we need it too actually go and do things like holidays and I get it but I don’t know this work just seems a bit over the top for me now

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Original poster

Becky332 · 08/07/2023 12:23

Sorry I didn’t make sense in some parts there when I’ve read over it , I wasn’t meant too say “I’m gonna be getting money either way” apologies lol

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chohiad · 08/07/2023 12:38

So he doesn't normally work and has suddenly found a job that means he's not going to move with you effectively. I think you need to start being realistic here, who's name is the tenancy agreement in? Would you be happy to move there as a single parent?

Original poster

Becky332 · 08/07/2023 13:02

So my names in the tenancy agreement , his name was meant to be put into the agreement too for when we move .
I’m not sure really I will be a bit upset I did say to him I’ll probably just have to think of it like being a single mum really and he says
“Becks I’m working I ain’t out her partying or having a holiday I’ll be going work and then my only time off will be dealing with the kids so I don’t have time for myself either”

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Original poster

Becky332 · 08/07/2023 13:06

And wants too stay at it anyways because he says the job he’s doing also if he does a course elsewhere it would take him years for him to get the same pay as he is on now but then after it was because of his mental health he can’t work with other people apart from people he knows , dunno if I should just end things but don’t want it to be that way

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chohiad · 08/07/2023 13:14

Keep the tenancy in your name, make sure you are happy to move to where you're moving to even if you're on your own, then you're in the strongest position to ensure you can make whatever decision is right for you rather than feeling trapped because you're reliant on him in some way.

mrsneate · 08/07/2023 13:14

Why don't you trial it.

Honestly. And this is my life. My DP is away for work two months at a time. He enjoys his job, he worked hard for his career and his income brings a significant amount in for us to enable me to work part time.

Although my children are a bit older than yours. Sometimes I find it tough dealing with everything on my own. But for the most part, you make a routine for yourself and the DC and it just works.

This time away I've been really poorly so found it increasingly difficult, as has DP, but as he's in the middle of the sea it's not easy for him to just come home. So he's struggled that he hasn't been here to help me.

The positives are, we have a great relationship, when he's home he picks up the slack and makes sure I get time for myself. Make sure your DP does this for you! Maybe not every weekend but maybe once a month arrange time for you.

Aprilx · 08/07/2023 13:52

I think you are looking at this backwards. He has a job, you need to move to somewhere that is convenient for work not the other way around.

catsnhats11 · 08/07/2023 13:56

Becky332 · 08/07/2023 11:55

We have applied for this new home before he even got this job

So he hasn't even been in the job long? That hardly gives his excuse credibility, I assumed it was all he'd known for years and he'd struggle with the change. What was he doing for work before then?

Original poster

Becky332 · 08/07/2023 14:32

Nope he had only been there for 5days but for them 5 days he had been working out of the area so he’s had to stay away for 5days overnight and then the next 2 weeks he will be doing that again but that’s temporarily until the job is back down in London where we live now but been hard as it is . He’s even come back yesterday and today he’s been quiet I asked what’s the matter he ignored me so I went away upset then he came in and I asked him again then he started moaning how the kids were stressing him out already so I just said imagine how I felt doing this all week without anyone else helping me then he just got all annoyed saying ahh ffs I will quit then just makes me feel terrible . He won’t quit I think he was just saying that .

before this he wasn’t doing anything for work at all as he says he needs to be with someone he knows to work with because of his borderline personality disorder . I know about borderline personality disorder but I didn’t see or hear anything really that you have to work with someone you know to work .
Before saying that too he says if he does a course any closer it’s gonna take him years to get the pay hes getting now .

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Original poster

Becky332 · 08/07/2023 14:35

Yeah I understand where you are coming from with this , I really wanted too be within the area but it’s literally not possible at all I’ve tried for ages and ages but just not possible due too our rent and we need too move out of this home due to my kids circumstances and this place we are at now just isn’t suitable . My partner was really happy we are going to be moving to this new place before but this work has changed his thoughts a bit I think

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Original poster

Becky332 · 08/07/2023 14:38

Yeah honestly I wouldn’t even mind if my kids could actually talk and understand me lol everything would be easier going for me and especially with my 3 year old she’s non verbal and being assessed for autism so she is a handfullll . We’ve basically had a little trial now he’s been working for 5days he’s been away out of the area for 5days and will be the next 2 weeks Aswell just until the job is back down in London where we are living now and it’s really been hell but I said I didn’t mind it as this one is temporary really

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