This is not a TAAT, but I didn’t want to post on the currant thread as it wouldn’t be fair on the op.
I’ve wanted to start a thread about this for a while, but coming out as a lesbian having been in a long term relationship/marriage goes down like a cup of cold sick here, and I do think it needs discussing.
I’m in my 50s. Was married for 25 years until we separated a few years ago.
Comp-het, or compulsory heterosexuality, for anyone who has never heard the term, is growing up understanding that being straight is the only way, that liking the same sex wasn’t just not an option, but wasn’t even on the radar to begin with. This applies to me. There was no comprehension that I might be a lesbian. I was a late developer, had other interests, assumed I wasn’t really a “sex person”.
By my mid 20s I met my ex, we clicked and got on well, and got married and had 3 children. He wasn’t the greatest husband or father, not abusive at all, but not very involved and had quite a 50s attitude to child rearing - it was my job, along with all the other house and child related roles (but you see this with most relationships in my experience) but despite that things were ok.
Sex was never a great burning passionate thing, we were each others first, it was generally routine and ok, but not very enjoyable. Neither of us had anything to compare it to so felt it was satisfactory.
In my 40s, due to some family issues, I developed quite severe mental health problems and needed antidepressants and therapy. This brought about a dramatic shift in me, and a realisation that I was a lesbian.
A few years later we separated, at my request, because of reasons unrelated to my sexuality. To be honest had we worked together as a team and been more or less happy we would probably still be together.
As it is no one knows I’m a lesbian. Having read many threads here and the reaction posters get when they come out as gay/lesbian later in life, I probably won’t ever come out. I’ve never slept with a woman, and at this point I’m sure I can live a happy life in my own.
But this happens. It can be as big a shock to those of us to realise, and I do understand that for many women (I’m not a man so I’m not even going to guess at their feelings around this issue) once you know, you want to live your fullest life and be happy. So how can this be done if the prevailing attitude is that we’ve lied for years?
I wonder if there’s an acceptable way to handle this? I’m sure this happens a lot. I’ve certainly read many experiences, but I’m none the wiser how it should be done?
Had I known I was a lesbian I wouldn’t have married. But I didn’t know, I was plodding on with my life. I settled (as did ExH) as so many do.
It’s a lot to read how selfish this is, how gays/lesbians have lied for years, how it is the ultimate betrayal. In my own experience I didn’t lie - I didn’t have the knowledge/understanding of myself to know. But many don’t understand this. Sexuality isn’t always black and white.
So in this situation what would you do? Would you judge me for staying closeted? Would you judge me for coming out?
I see little judgement for men or women splitting because they’re unhappy, then meeting someone. But if you do this and meet someone of the same sex it’s judged far more harshly.
I do see the issue. I can imagine Ex’s feelings if I met someone and announced that I’m a lesbian. It would be harder for him than if I met a man. But why? Either way we didn’t work out, but same sex relationships are seen as a far bigger betrayal, and I sway between understanding and seeing it as engrained societal homophobia.
I’m posting as I’m interested in people’s thoughts here. Thank you.