Not seen relatives since I had DC

[Upandonward]

Sorry this might be a bit long but for background - I was born in another country but my DF is from the UK, and he still lives in the country I was born in. I have lived in the UK over 20 years now. I spent my whole life travelling between the two countries so I know my UK family well.

I lived in a large city here for years and would visit my relatives (DGM, aunts, uncles, cousins) every couple of months (they lived 2-3 hours away by train). Dgm passed away but still have other relatives.

I had a baby 8 years ago, and then married 7 years ago. When I had DC we obviously let everyone know via text with a photo. Got the usual congrats back then radio silence. Invited everyone to my wedding which took place a few days short of DC’s 1st birthday and all went well - everyone seemed happy to see me, no dramas at all that I am aware of, I non-stop circulated around all guests all day/evening and didn’t have a moments rest except for during the meal (just saying so I can’t be accused of ignoring anyone), no one really acknowledged DC beyond a ‘hello’ and walked off (I know babies are boring!).

Since our wedding it’s been almost radio silence again. My late uncle’s wife, DAunt always sends birthday/Xmas cards but nothing from anyone else (I always send plus gifts/money, but have stopped the latter now). I’ve left phone messages and usually no return call, texts get a cursory response so now I just don’t except for special occasions. No one enquired how I was post-birth, how DC was - ever. Time went on and I didn’t visit with DC as I had PND and as no one ever said how are you all, love to see you etc I began to think I wasn’t welcome/no one was interested.

It’s now 7 years since I saw my relatives and nothings changed (they all live in the same town). I told a cousin who doesn’t live there how hurt I was that it seems if I don’t visit then no one wants to know, that I feel such a bloody fool for visiting regularly for years and while I always felt welcome, clearly no one really cared at all about me (she didn’t have anything to say about that). I know people like to say that no one gives a hoot about other people’s DC but I’m still me, what about just seeing me or asking how I am? Then my DAunt got married 18 months after my wedding and only invited me to the ceremony and not the rest of the wedding (rest of the family were invited, she cut me when I declined).

My DF moved away when he was 20 and never went back to his hometown to live. He always said they were small town people who never think about anyone but themselves (his words before I’m criticised), but as time goes on I just feel like I can’t make contact anymore when it’s not reciprocated. DH keeps saying let’s visit but I feel too embarrassed as I feel the radio silence is deafening. I’m so hurt and as the years go by I feel so bereft without family. I am n/c with both my divorced parents for completely different reasons (DF is because his DW has cut him off from all of his family including me), so I’m almost totally without any family (no siblings, have no connection to DM’s relatives and neither does she). Luckily my in-laws are lovely but it’s just not the same.

Do you actually love and enjoy spending time with these people?

of was it more of a duty you saw yourself having?

:( sad to read. I can actually relate. My family are crap at staying in touch. Soon as someone moves away they might as well be dead, and my gran is forever by the phone waiting for “someone else “ to call as she feels she’ll imposition if she does. It’s fucking ridiculous but I’ve come to accept that it is what it is and if I want them in my life it’s on me to make an effort. I can imagine it hurting a lot more when you have a lovely baby you want to let get to know their family.

on the plus side I’m effectively NC with some cousins I dislike without ever having had to have an argument?

@Togiveandtoreceive yes I loved seeing them and spending time with them. I would go for the weekend so saw people either by themselves or at family gatherings. This is why I am so upset that I seem to be ‘out of sight out of mind.’

@Backstreets yes it does feel a bit like I might as well be dead. I have one cousin and aunt(who live elsewhere, actually further away) who make an effort to see us and for the rest (large family) I might as well be wiped off the face of the earth.

so no one has kept in contact or made an effort or visited from the group you used to visit?

Ah ok two do

The key question is - do they specialise without you present

I can understand why you're upset. They do appear to be very thoughtless and self absorbed. Also some people tend to be the initiators and doers (like you) whilst others are lazy and expect people to revolve around them. I would be pissed off in your shoes and would probably lean towards not bothering anymore but it doesn't sound like you want to drop them completely. Is your cousin likely to have passed on your feelings to the rest of the family?

That’s correct :-(

No reason to think they don’t all still socialise together.

@Fairygoblin yes it’s probably that they are the type of people who sit back and let people come to them but don’t think to initiate contact in return.

I’m not sure if my cousin would she said anything to anyone other than her DM (aunt).

Does your cousin get together with them? And your aunt?

@Togiveandtoreceive yes they do but only once a year now as they moved away. An uncle and cousin have visited them but not me.