Struggling with DH

[whisperitnow]

I have come to find DH incredibly grating.

Small things he does make my blood boil and then become big issues rather than things that just pass by unmentioned.

He is fundamentally a good man who provides for us all. But he is also a grumpy know it all.

We have two small DC which I know adds to everyone's mental load.

So I'm not sure if it's every day life that making me feel this way. Or if it's just him.

A few examples are I calmly get DC ready for school. No issue. DH appears five minutes before we need to leave and makes everyone stressed. Makes us feel like we're late when we're not. Rush rush rush.

I speak to him and he basically just ignores me. I have to say hello in speaking to you?!

He comments on my driving. Example telling me to move the car forward when I'm already bumper to bumper with the car in front. Infuriating!

Expecting me to justify, at length, why I don't want to live on a certain road. Or like a particular style of house. We're not moving any time soon!!!

Making big issues out of nothing and then getting upset when I tell him I find it annoying. He is then the injured party even though he's spent ten minutes pointing out an issue with the parking space I've picked.

Honestly I could go on. These are such minor things individually but collectively it feel so much.

I don't want to leave him. I do love him. He's so thoughtful on other ways flowers, lay ins, dinners etc etc. but these things are driving me crazy

Have you tried explaining to DH how it makes you feel when he, for example, comments on your driving? That would really irritate me as well.

Tell him that if he doesn’t shut the fuck up you’ll divorce him to get the peace you need.

Flowers, lie ins and dinners do not make up for the fact that he is like this in the first place. This is all after the fact. Does he apologise or take any responsibility here for his actions?. Presumably one or both his parents behave the same also. He is doing this because he can and also feels entitled to act like this. This works for him, this is who he is and such men do not change readily if at all.

Does he behave similarly around and to people in the outside world or to his work colleagues; likely not so what does that tell you?.

You have a choice re this man, your children do not. If you do not want to leave him then they will learn to behave as you do around him which brings me to the question of how do you respond when he does this?. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here from you two?.

The driving comments have become much less after I absolutely blew my top a couple of months ago.

I am usually a calm person, but it was one comment too many and I completely lost it with him.

The odd comment he makes now re driving are more general but still very annoying

My husband does this too. It’s essentially nitpicking. It’s gotten worse the longer we’ve been together, which has corresponded to exponentially more stress at his job, which he hates. I have a theory that he is burnt out and angry at work because he doesn’t have any real ‘control’ over his career and so he comes home and tries to exert control here. Because he can and it weirdly makes him feel better. I have talked to him about this and it helped a bit.

Does he drive?

If he does, just make sure he drives every time you're in the car (so he can't drink etc if you go out).

If he can't drive, he has zero place commenting on your driving and either needs to keep quiet or walk.

Also, can you have a phrase or something that you explain to him you'll use when he's giving you the ick?

I.E. "DH, you know I love you and I want to keep loving you until the end of my days but when you do X,Y,Z, it erodes the love I have for you and I keep telling you this, but you do it regardless. So the next time you do X,Y,Z, I'm going to say "grumpy old man" and you can either stop or continue, knowing that you are eroding my love for you and that eventually there may be no love left."

If you've spelt it out that clearly, and point out each time he's doing it, surely he'll stop and if not then you'll know that he doesn't respect you, nor care if you continue to love him or not.