My friend thinks I’m too trusting!

[bumblehat]

Weird one (for me anyway). My friend thinks I’m too trusting and I find it funny! DH gets on well with someone at work, another woman who is married with 1 DD. I’ve met her briefly once when the two families bumped into each other by chance and she seemed really nice. Anyway, a few weekends ago DH and this person went and did a sporting event together at the weekend. They drove over together (about 2 hours), did the event (it’s on Strava in case anyone wonders so they did it), got changed, hung about for a bit and drove home. They took about 3 1/2 hours to get back but stopped for food and my friend thinks that’s really suspicious. Now, I really don’t think it is and it didn’t even cross my mind as an issue, I mean what could they have done, shagged in a services car park 😂

I just think my friend is being really OTT but just wondered how others thought, not about this specific situation (as in, I’m not asking for your views per se) but in general, do you distrust by default?

Distrusting by default is a really shit way to be married. No, like you, I'd assume it was what he said it was. Of course they could have shagged in the car park, had a quickie in the loo where they ate etc. But they could do that every time they meet up. He could be fucking the CEO every lunchtime in the stationary cupboard. He could be watching only fans on his way home. He could wait for you to go to sleep and go and fuck the neighbour. He could wank off to god knows whatever depravity.
Why is she picking this singular thing as something she can't prove, has no reason to believe but thinks you're being too trusting about?

I would say to her tho, if this is her way of telling you she knows something, then tell you. Otherwise, she needs to stop trying to implode your marriage.

I think you have to trust someone until they give you a reason not to trust them and he hasn’t done that- your friend is just trying to stir things

I would have trust issues with the 'friend' and question her motive of trying to make you feel uneasy.

Pot stirrers get off on watching other people suffer.

Your 'friend' sounds jealous and eager for your marriage to fail.

I had a very similar conversation with my close friend. I wasn’t a pot stirrer or a trouble maker I was a very concerned and loving friend and something felt off. And yes in time it transpired he was having an affair, she had a baby at the time, it was horrendous.

OP if you trust him then be clear with your friend and move on but I wish posters wouldn't just dismiss her concerns as stirring or malicious.

Based solely on the information given it IS stirring, though – unless this friend has other concerns beyond him going to one sporting event with (shock horror) a person of the opposite sex. If those are the only grounds for concern then she's being ridiculous, is she one of those people who thinks you can't possibly be around someone with opposite genitals without them spontaneously falling into a sex act? If the friend had possible evidence or concerns relating to several occasions that might be different, but that isn't what's happened here

Hi @bumblehat i think your friend is being OTT. You sound like a very level headed confident woman, your DH must love that about you.

It could well be that your friend knows something you don't or it could possibly be she's a mistrusting person. I grew up in a family where they taught us to trust nobody when I grew up I realised that was wrong then I swung way to much the other way and had to learn the hard way. Now I like to think I have a happy medium.

"DH gets on well with someone at work, another woman who is married with 1 DD. I’ve met her briefly once when the two families bumped into each other by chance and she seemed really nice."

People can be nice - until they are not. Am certain she is nice and friendly. Presumably as well this is someone about his age or is some years younger; its rarely if ever someone older like Doris from accounts (to use MN terminology). Remember his work colleague owes you nothing and is no friend of your marriage.

If he was acting or trying to act as some sort of white knight/rescuer/father confessor type to this woman then I would be wary. If he is using up emotional energies on her at your expense and also as a family unit then I would be wary too. In the meantime I would quietly observe and note any sudden changes in behaviour or work patterns outside his normal.

I'm with you.... I don't assume that if my DH spends time alone with another woman he's going to jump her. And I'm certain he's able to say no if she tried to jump him.

I trust him. He's never given me reason not to.

Your friend may be trying to stir things for you, or she may just be more mistrusting - perhaps she's been tarnished by a bad experience. Don't change your position based on her concerns though.

I think trust has to be earned over the course of a relationship but you’ve been with your husband long enough to get married and have children together. Your feeling that you can trust him is almost certainly based on at least a few years of him behaving in a trustworthy manner. You know him a lot better than your friend does. I trust my DH based on my experience of him behaving in ways which have told me that he is trustworthy.

This is one of my favourite ever descriptions of me!

Glad to see lots of people think like me and yes I think the friend in question is less trusting than me, I’m not aware of her DH having done anything to damage their relationship but as someone said you never entirely know what people have been through in the past.

oh and @SleepingStandingUp if DH is fucking the CEO in the stationery cupboard I’d be livid because he never brings and spare stationery home 😂 oh and I think the CEO is called Mike so it would create other issues too!