Disengaged parents/grandparents

[Mumof2boysanddog]

Hi, I’m looking for some advice/guidance.

Growing up I spent a lot of time with my grandparents. I had a great relationship with them on my fathers side. I thought this was to do with my parents working shifts. However, as I have now had children of my own I have begun to question this.

I don’t have a relationship with my grandparents on my mothers side as they were alcoholics.

when my son was born my parents offered to help look after him a couple of days when I went back to work. However, it soon became apparent that this wasn’t a genuine offer. When I asked for help they either didn’t come round or asked whether “they had to”. I followed this up and they denied it and said that they had never refused to help an told me not to discuss this again.

My oldest is now 8 and youngest is 5. I’ve had a couple of more incidents where my husband has had to work away from home and I’ve asked for help and had to justify why I need help. To put it into context this year I have only asked for help 5 times, which I don’t think is a lot but would appreciate any views on this

I feel anxious asking for any help now.

I have just spent a week away with my parents and my sisters family and they have not really interacted with the kids- choosing to do their own thing. They haven’t even taken the kids to the park.

I don’t know how to move forward from this. My parents speak to me like I am a child and when I try to reason with them I am shut down. I don’t feel this is healthy for my own mental health. Has anyone had a similar experience?

I think for your own mental health you need to accept that this is who they are and go from there. Do you really need help or are you hoping that they show interest? If it’s the former you will need to find help that doesn’t include them.

You cannot change them.

This is really sad OP. As PP says, you need to lower your expectations drastically to protect yourself.

Are your DC's other grandparents on the scene?

My own parents are not too dissimilar and their position over the years did not alter. They collectively did not want the responsibility of looking after their grandchild (now adult) for really any length of time.

How were your parents with your sister's family?. Similarly disinterested?.

No more weeks away with them; say no.

Its not your fault they are this uninterested and otherwise disengaged and you cannot make them change. You can only change how you react to them. I would put far more mental and physical distance between you and your parents and do not make yourself fully available to them. Drop the rope here along with seeking their approval; approval they will never give.

If your H's parents are nice and importantly emotionally healthy then I would further foster your DCs relationship with them.

Speaking honestly as a grandparent...

I love my children and their children beyond words. I'd honestly throw myself under a bus if I needed to for any of them. BUT I don't want the responsibility anymore.

I'll help out in any emergency.. drop anything and travel to help at a moments notice. I'll willingly offer nights out, weekends away. But please don't rely on me for routine childcare. I've done it.

You've asked, they've said no. So leave it. They aren't going to be the grandparents and have the relationship with your kids that you enjoyed. You have to accept that and move on.

Your parents like to present the outward appearance (and possible believe it themselves) that they are helpful, very involved and supportive grandparents.

However, the reality of actually helping is too much.

My mother used to say that I was very selfish to expect her to provide the help that I wanted, rather than the help that she was provided to give (which wasn't something I would have actually found helpful. She, for example, thought that coming round for me to cook her lunch while she "watched" the baby was a great help for me).

Stop asking for help and make other arrangements.

My mum is totally the same, not interested, I've asked her once for 30 min childcare whilst I went to have a filling this year , and no too busy even with a months notice and didn't even look at her diary. But this is coming from the women who told me a week after a c section with my first baby she was leaving my dad and going on holiday with another man for a month. Said she was going to cook loads of meals etc as her mum did for her but no nothing when baby arrived.
Dad is abit more interested but doesn't want to responsibility of an hour here and there.
PIL say they are too old. So I have zero childcare, it's upsetting when I see other gps in the park with their grandchildren but nothing I can do 😞. So I can understand why your upset 😢 xx

My parents show little interest in my children and seem shocked that my now teenage children have no interest in their Grandparents. I spent most of my childhood visiting my Grandparents everyday which I loved. I think my parents are just very self absorbed people, I have only now become interesting as they realise they need someone to care for them.

Thanks. I don’t ask for help every week. It’s the odd night out for a birthday or anniversary. My husband occasionally works away and I do need help with drop offs and pick up but that tends to be one day every 3-4 months.

I do have a good relationship with my husbands family but they live 500 miles away.

My parents are the same with my sisters kids.

it just makes me feel really sad that my dad feels that he is “unlucky me” to babysit the kids. I really resent this and I feel that I need to protect my kids from this negativity as well as myself.

It is sad when you realise this is what it is, but it is a positive thing to accept it and seek out other people who will babysit when you need sitters.
Accepting it is sort of drawing a line and it stops you feeling hurt time and time again.
It is sad. It will also affect the way you - and your dc - feel towards them, but it isn't going to change.