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Relationships

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Original poster

Second thoughts over second date

20 replies

Seconddateworry · 06/07/2023 23:38

I went on a 1st date with a guy the same age as me last weekend. (mid 30s)
Just went for a drink after chatting briefly on dating app previously.

It wasn't the best date ive had as first dates go. It didn't feel like conversation always flowed. I felt I had to fill a few gaps. There wasn't much flirting or 'banter'. I ended it slightly early due to this. And so I was surprised when he messaged me later that day saying we'd got on well and did I want to meet up again. 😳I did wonder if we'd been on the same date.

He wasn't bad looking, but I didn't feel really attracted to him on the date, possibly due to how it felt it was going and how quiet he was. I usually prefer someone to be a bit more confident. But he really seems nice and there wasn't any 'red flags' to speak of. Works hard in a good job. Looking to settle down soon, all goals similar to mine.

The problem is, he has been texting a lot since, and I don't feel any excitement about him, just very meh, and sometimes slightly irritated by all the attention from him in fact. (This could be as i've been O.L.D a while and am a bit fed up of all the chats though) Conversation is alright, but still hasn't become flirty, and he's now asking about second date.

I do think he's a nice person. But I can't work out if I want to meet him again because I want to genuinely see if something could develop or if its because i'm aware of my biological clock with wanting kids and on paper he would be great so I feel I should give him another chance! I wonder had I been 5/10 years younger if i'd already have said thanks but no thanks.

Do I go on the date? Or is the gut usually right? My gut currently says he isn't the one.

OP posts:

Barleysugar86 · 06/07/2023 23:42

Don't go. These feelings don't get better. I've second guessed myself like this and always regretted it, plus it only gets more awkward the longer you leave it.

Fishpieandchips · 06/07/2023 23:43

What harm could one more date do? Go

Plugsockets1 · 06/07/2023 23:43

Sounds like you don't want to meet him again. So you text him and say, 'Hey, it was great to meet you last week but having had a think about it I'm not sure I'm feeling it really. Best of luck with the dating!'

End. Done. You're worrying far too much.

fancreek · 06/07/2023 23:44

Barleysugar86 · 06/07/2023 23:42

Don't go. These feelings don't get better. I've second guessed myself like this and always regretted it, plus it only gets more awkward the longer you leave it.

I disagree. There was a thread on here last week about awful first dates and quite a few posters described awkward, stilted dates who went on the become their husbands because they gave them a second chance!/

Goatbilly · 06/07/2023 23:47

Your "judgement" might be clouded by the pressure of fertility/conceiving.

You don't really have time to waste, if all goes well with anyone, you'd probably be looking at 2 years at least before you can even be TTC, you'll be 37 by then. Nobody knows whether or not you'll have issues conceiving or not, but don't waste time if you're not feeling it with someone.

CatchHimDerry · 06/07/2023 23:47

@fancreek agreed. My one of these is now my husband 😂

I just wasn’t used to the quieter, nicer guy. All I’d ever gone for was the bantery, confident types that would inevitably be players and wrongens

You never know OP, I always gave it up to 3 dates to be sure, would bin off at 1 if genuinely crap though

clockwatcher247 · 06/07/2023 23:59

I think you should try a second date. You're pinning too much on the first one and perhaps over judging. After all, were you impeccable, or could you have done things better? Sometimes if blokes like you they tend to be more shy. I would find flirty texts this early on a bit creepy. The first chat I had with my husband wasn't great but we've been married almost 20 years.

cassiatwenty · 07/07/2023 00:02

No chemistry. He truly might be nice and decent and all that but if he's slightly a noying now, can't imagine this getting better

Aquamarine1029 · 07/07/2023 00:05

I think this goes way beyond a dull first date. I wouldn't go.

Johnisafckface · 07/07/2023 00:16

He’s already irritating you and there are awkward silences. To me that doesn’t bode well. Anytime after be become irritated that early on while dating it’s only gone downhill. However I might go on one more date to make sure it wasn’t a one off.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 07/07/2023 01:13

I'd go.

Expecting flirty/bantery at first meeting is kind of juvenile.

You are becoming acquainted with ahuman being, a stranger. For possible friendship, maybe romance. Expecting him to act like Hugh Grant right out of the gate is a bit much.

CreamTeaDelight · 07/07/2023 06:12

I’d give him a second chance.

If you’re still feeling the same
after the 2nd date, tell him you aren’t taking it any further.

ManAboutTown · 07/07/2023 07:33

I'd be inclined to give it a second date - seems like there were no red flags and if it confirms your initial thought you can cut it off after that

Snoken · 07/07/2023 11:02

I have had similar experiences and if I don't get a good feeling after the first date then I decline a second date. I don't think that is juvenile like a pp has said, I think it's good to be a bit choosy with these things. On the other hand I am not looking for somebody to have a baby with (been there done that), so the pressure is off. I want someone to have a fun life with and I'd like someone who is equally social and easy to talk to.

PrincessMyshkin · 07/07/2023 11:16

Generally I'd say if you're not keen and it doesn't flow then don't bother as it's better to be picky but for some reason I'm inclined to suggest one more chance here! He sounds nice, a good egg and enthusiastic. Obviously you need more if you were to continue but it could just be a case of him needing to get the first date nerves out of the way. Do it soon if you decide to go so his messaging doesn't irritate you more.

If you have the date then see how you feel about if he was to kiss you then that's a good barometer. 'Wahey!' or 'ok then' = a good sign. Put off= no more dates.

Obv a polite 'no' is a completely valid choice too.

Spanielsarepainless · 07/07/2023 13:18

I wouldn't bother.

Original poster

Seconddateworry · 27/07/2023 18:58

Update - Last weekend we were due to go on the second date finally. We had both been busy with work, but had kept in touch during the weeks between

Honestly, it was all him starting the conversations but I would respond and ask questions and he'd be telling me about things he'd been doing. He would ask about what i'd been doing too. I still felt a little icky but have been keeping an open mind.

We last spoke about a week ago. He textd asking how my day was going. We had a bit of back and forth chat and then the conversation naturally fizzled like it does sometimes. But we did arrange a day for the second date at his request for the weekend

The weekend came around. I was working the day before but really expected a message from him about the date. (He had said he was happy to arrange) Morning of the planned date day came around and he still hadn't text.

End of the day came and went. He never text and we never went on the date. How strange. I was willing to be open minded and go on the second date.

Whats so weird is how keen he had been through the whole thing. I was the one with doubts. He was still keen until a few days befroe planed date so wondering what happened.

Of course, as we know, I had doubts anyway so im not overly upset about it, just a bit confused as he had said how much he liked me and wanted the second date ...

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 27/07/2023 19:10

I wouldn't go on a date unless I really wanted to go on the date.

Call me odd...

Original poster

Seconddateworry · 27/07/2023 22:44

Was being open minded but decision made for me I guess
!

OP posts:

Ownedbykitties · 10/01/2024 13:32

Don't dismiss your gut feeling. There's an evolutionary reason for it.

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