Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Asking for thread to be deleted when OP doesn't here what she wants

27 replies

ladykale · 06/07/2023 20:42

Latest thread about OP with 3 kids + a useless sounding baby father to be who has multiple baby mothers and 5 kids.

A few people posted some obvious hometruths.

OP asks for it to be deleted.

Does anyone feel like posters shouldn't be able to delete these threads after tons of people have spent their time to post, unless there's a safeguarding or safety concern?!

OP posts:
Original poster
ladykale · 06/07/2023 20:42

*hear

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 06/07/2023 20:44

I think.any poster should be able to have their thread deleted, it's not up to .mumsnetters to throw abuse at somebody and expect them to take it.

AuntMarch · 06/07/2023 20:45

I think it would be better if usernames were removed so they were no longer linked to a post if they didn't want to be, but I know I have followed threads I relate to and then had them disappear which is frustrating

Hollyppp · 06/07/2023 20:46

I think if it’s your post you should have a right to have it deleted

Goldfoot · 06/07/2023 20:46

I'm not sure we always get the truth on the deletion messages anyway. I had one deleted that for all the world sounded like I'd asked, it wasn't going my way but I definitely didn't ask for it to be deleted.

I also had one where I realised I'd misguidedly shared too much information that wasn't really mine to share and MN refused to delete that one when I asked.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 06/07/2023 20:49

If it's someone's post they have every right to have it deleted. What isn't okay, is 100s of women & men throwing abuse at them.

Mrsjayy · 06/07/2023 20:49

You don't mean safeguarding not really because if you were really concerned about the poster you would report the thread to mumsnet as a safeguarding concern, what you mean is how dare that silly feckless woman not take my advice..

EarringsandLipstick · 06/07/2023 20:50

Hollyppp · 06/07/2023 20:46

I think if it’s your post you should have a right to have it deleted

I disagree.

There are valid reasons. Then there are posters who don't like the responses they get & pull the thread. It is frustrating where posters have given genuine advice & time.

However, I appreciate it's hard to separate out genuine reasons eg fear of identification or where there's a pile-on, from less genuine ones. I also remember a recent similar thread on this topic where a poster said they had asked for a thread to be taken down after she'd got lots of abuse. MNHQ refused, she said. She said it was horrific & really upsetting & she has never started a thread again

So that's not ok ...

Mrsjayy · 06/07/2023 20:51

Goldfoot · 06/07/2023 20:46

I'm not sure we always get the truth on the deletion messages anyway. I had one deleted that for all the world sounded like I'd asked, it wasn't going my way but I definitely didn't ask for it to be deleted.

I also had one where I realised I'd misguidedly shared too much information that wasn't really mine to share and MN refused to delete that one when I asked.

I've oversthared sometimes and my posts have been deleted no problem which I was grateful for.

Original poster
ladykale · 06/07/2023 20:52

Mrsjayy · 06/07/2023 20:49

You don't mean safeguarding not really because if you were really concerned about the poster you would report the thread to mumsnet as a safeguarding concern, what you mean is how dare that silly feckless woman not take my advice..

No I was recognising that there are som instances where it is necessary, like where someone inadvertently discloses info that could make them or their child identifiable, but usually the person just isn't getting the sympathy they desired & then a whole thread gets deleted

OP posts:
Original poster
ladykale · 06/07/2023 20:53

Goldfoot · 06/07/2023 20:46

I'm not sure we always get the truth on the deletion messages anyway. I had one deleted that for all the world sounded like I'd asked, it wasn't going my way but I definitely didn't ask for it to be deleted.

I also had one where I realised I'd misguidedly shared too much information that wasn't really mine to share and MN refused to delete that one when I asked.

The fact they sometimes refuse when there IS a genuine safety concern, makes their approach even stranger

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 06/07/2023 20:54

No

if Someone is upset and unwilling to swallow a painful truth

let it be .. I don’t care 🤷‍♀️

and they will get there eventually

Fairislefandango · 06/07/2023 20:56

Does anyone feel like posters shouldn't be able to delete these threads after tons of people have spent their time to post, unless there's a safeguarding or safety concern?!

Why? How does it affect you? Nobody is forcing you to post on a thread or give advice. Wanting the thread to remain as as some kind of evidence that the OP was wrong or unreasonable seems completely unnecessary. If they want it removed, so what?

Hibiscrubbed · 06/07/2023 20:58

Does anyone feel like posters shouldn't be able to delete these threads after tons of people have spent their time to post

No. I don’t think that. I think you might be taking Mumsnet a bit too seriously.

doozledog · 06/07/2023 21:01

I think people come on for genuine advice and what I've seen and experienced personally a lot of people are unnecessarily nasty because they can.

Darkandstormynite · 06/07/2023 21:12

It does seem like some posters would like the OP put in a metaphorical pillory so they can hurl abuse at them.

Anyone posting has the right to have their thread pulled for whatever reason they like. People are not obliged to give up their time posting, nor are they asked to. Its not some kind of public service. There is no obligation on the poster to respond or act in a certain way because they've started a thread.

EarringsandLipstick · 06/07/2023 21:15

@Goldfoot

That's interesting.

Hibiscrubbed · 06/07/2023 21:15

It does seem like some posters would like the OP put in a metaphorical pillory so they can hurl abuse at them.

Exactly. I’d never start a thread here anymore. It’s populated by lots of angry, inadequate people, looking to get their jollies and feel better about themselves by being unmitigated arseholes to an OP, whatever the circumstances of their thread.

They will only ever attack an OP, as opposed to another/actual ‘villain’ of the thread (the H, MIL, mother, boss, etc), because they crave the feedback (resultant damage caused by their vitriol) from a live poster.

LivingNextDoorToNorma · 06/07/2023 21:16

I personally think if someone wants their thread deleting, it should be deleted.

With regard to your example, the problem with a lot of the ‘home truths’ is that they’d usually require the op to go back in time and make a different choice. While ‘you shouldn’t have done it in the first place’ may be true, you can’t unring a bell. It’s not necessarily that the op doesn’t like the advice, it’s that not advice is given. People criticise them for getting into the mess, but make no suggestion of how they could get out of it.

Happierlife7 · 06/07/2023 21:54

You give the advice to help the person asking for help, so what difference does it make to you or anyone else if they have the post removed so it’s not forever on the internet, at some point? The advice is given, and read???

Allthecheeseplease · 06/07/2023 23:16

Absolutely people should be able to have their posts deleted if they wish. It's a very MN view that their "genuine" advice is correct. Yes, we all give advice but there is often overt calls for LTB when the OP might have wanted to vent or might not be in a position to leave. And yes - of course people don't want to hear the truth if it's painful - but getting the thread deleted doesn't mean it hasn't given them pause for thought. It takes abuse victims on average 7 times to leave permanently. Advising on a situation and being in a situation are very different things.

Switcher · 06/07/2023 23:20

I wouldn't post about anything personal. Even minor factual requests for advice on a decision seem to come with a giant helping of patronising best case, and outright weird assumptions and insults being made worst case. Then there's the strange sleuthing where posters want to find out who you are or where you live. So yes it should be possible to delete that stuff.

Totaly · 06/07/2023 23:25

People live I different cultures - even in the same city and they think it’s ‘normal’ to be with someone with excess children and partners - so to be told it not is rocking the very core of their existence!

A woman with three kids by different fathers and grew up in a similar environment won’t see that it’s an issue - look at Jeremy Kyle where every week there were two woman fighting over some scragend, with no teeth and no job.

Fairislefandango · 07/07/2023 08:36

I think some posters (unnecessarily and foolishly imo) get very invested in threads they've posted on and are infuriated if they don't get some kind of 'closure' through the OP backing down or being proved wrong. Maybe those posters should examine their own motives for posting and step away from MN for a bit! Occasionally I admit I find myself getting a bit too involved in threads on topics I feel strongly about, and I take it as a sign that I need to take a break from MN, or hide a topic!

Hollyppp · 07/07/2023 08:51

Fairislefandango · 07/07/2023 08:36

I think some posters (unnecessarily and foolishly imo) get very invested in threads they've posted on and are infuriated if they don't get some kind of 'closure' through the OP backing down or being proved wrong. Maybe those posters should examine their own motives for posting and step away from MN for a bit! Occasionally I admit I find myself getting a bit too involved in threads on topics I feel strongly about, and I take it as a sign that I need to take a break from MN, or hide a topic!

Totally agree