Trying to separate from Autistic ex.

[Whats4lunch]

We're not married but were together for 12 years and have two children together.

The first 2 years of our relationship were bliss. However, I came to realise that he had been masking after I moved in with him. I had uprooted my whole life 300 miles to live with him and I felt I had to make it work after selling my house etc. I then became pregnant unexpectedly after failed birth control 2 months after moving in with him and I was determined to make our relationship work.

I knew during my pregnancy that I was dealing with a man with autism, but he would not accept this. He needed lots of alone time to decompress, went off sex after I moved in, he was disinterested and absorbed in several special interests. He was entirely different from when we were having a long term relationship. It was a shock. I suddenly became little more than the home help. I do not blame autism for this as there was a fair degree of arseholeism going on aswell.

He was finally diagnosed with autism at the end of last year following on from recommendations from a psychotherapist. I wrote about it here on MN and this therapist was slated for making the suggestion that he was autistic. Anyway, turns out he is.

Completely separate to the autism, my ex decided that working at a relationship just wasn't for him and he wanted us to live separate lives in the same house. I did not want this (I'm still in my thirties!) So I pushed for separation.

I am in the family home until it's sold and my ex is living with his mother. The irony is that he refuses to sell up, saying he wants me and the children to remain in the house. I however, can not move forward as he keeps wanting to over-step boundaries. I am massively struggling with boundaries myself as I still love him and wanted us to work at things together lovingly as a couple, but he did not want this.

I need to be stronger with him, but he is struggling with the change in our dynamic, this I feel is autism related. He keeps telling the children that he's coming to the house to see them/do things for them on my mornings/nights and I have to keep playing bad cop and saying no it's not appropriate! Then I feel bad.

Due to the housing market and our finances, we are trying to put off selling up until mortgage rates come down but I think my ex would hang on forever. I want to move on and fall in love again but can't like this.

How do I navigate this bearing in mind his struggle with change/needing boundaries etc. I know moving back to his mum's has been a big enough deal for him and I'm grateful that he's agreed to leave but I need some space. He keeps finding all sorts of excuses to be here at the house.

Should read * when we were having a long distance relationship

You dont have a choice to wait for an ideal time that may not come. You need to out everything in motion now.

This is so heartbreaking to read op x

but I understand
kind firm boundaries needed

I’d say you both would benefit from some MH support as this is Isn’t easy for you or anyone

You need to draw up a parenting thing and include things like visiting times and who says what to children and when

Yes I'm having mental health support. My counsellor believes I'm depressed. I'm grieving for the sort of relationship I thought I'd have and the man I thought he was who came to me in small glimmers. He did not make a good intimate partner at all despite being so wonderful for the first 2 years. It was all an act 😔.

He believes he was a wonderful partner because he did practical tasks like emptying the dishwasher and watering the plants. He doesn't understand what makes a deep and meaningful relationship and doesn't seem to want to know either. If I'm honest, part of me thinks that this dynamic works well for him, living with his mum again and being practically and financially taken care of and dipping in and out of family life as it suits.

I feel better that the romantic expectations have gone but he still crosses the line. The children believe I'm stopping Daddy from popping over and seeing them for an hour or two each day. He even came over to make packed lunches for the children one morning after promising them he would and I had refused because I didn't have time to make them and said they needed to have school lunch that day.

Even if I write something up he'll just ignore it because he doesn't seem to value my opinion or feelings about anything.

Do you think your ex owes you and scammed you?

I'd advise actually reading the thread before posting.

She didn't... he left her.. did you read the paragraph in first post where he decided he didn't want the relationship and expected to live separately in the same house?

It's giving ableism.

Hope my autistic daughter doesn't grow up to meet a man who posts messages like this about her on dad's net forums.

My daughter is autistic too.
Spouting off accusations of ableism when people highlight the difficulties that some autistic people have in relationships isn't acceptable. Many spouses of people with autism have lots of challenges when navigating a marriage. There is a high percentage of divorce in NT/ASD marriages because it is hard. This is not me being ableist. I'm being honest.

I can understand that it has its challenges.
I can also understand that not everything is on you.

But the entire purpose of this thread is to bash on a man with autism for not being able to cope with some changes. It IS blatant abelism.
You talk about how YOU are already wanting to "fall in love again" and you want to be able to buy another house once the family home is sold.

I don't believe you have tried half a as hard as you've stated when trying to work on the relationship because he clearly doesn't want you to go, and you claim you still love him. It seems to me that you already had one foot out of the door to begin with.

As an adult with ADHD who has struggled with relationships, posts like this are incredibly insulting. You try and paint yourself as an angel but all you want is for people to agree with you, on the premise that your partner (or ex now if you like) is some kind of monster because he struggles to maintain relationships.

You said you were with him for two years before realising he was even autistic. So his condition cannot be that bad. People cannot put on an act for two years. It's more likely that he finally opened up to you, and you're own internalised hatred for those who are different was too much to bare.

@AnoyDad2023 as a woman with adhd i hate when people use their diagnosis to excuse behaviour they know is wrong.

you dont get to escape into your hobbies when your wife is pregnant and if you know you struggle with relationships then dont try to force people to stay in the "half way" situationship they you're both single and get to dip in and out of family life as you pleases. The world is not going to bend over backwards for selfishness hidden under thin veil of diagnosis

Sounds like the op tried to make it work for the last 9 years or so after moving in together including seeing a therapist.

Deliberate or not she was love bombed for 2 years. He chose to mask around her then drop it once she had relocated and was pregnant. He chose not to unmask prior to that time. The affect on the OP is the same.

Him wanting to dip in and out of family life following no boundaries is unreasonable. This man works so clearly is able to follow rules when he thinks they matter.

I say that as a ND woman.

Cant believe the comments accusing OP of ableism.
OP is allowed to draw the line ANYWHERE in what she is willing to put up with in a romantic relationship, and to suggest she should continue to be in/try at a relationship she doesn't want to be in any more because she needs to be more forgiving because the person has autism is quite frankly a bit fucking weird and patronising towards people with autism??
This isn't her dealing with a colleague at work, this is her intimate personal relationship, there's a weird undertone of suggesting you should be more willing to put up with behaviour that negatively impacts on you and your children because the other person has autism and you need to make allowances - no.
It's sad, but noone should be expected to set themselves on fire to keep someone else warm when it comes to romantic relationships.
Also, people with autism can also be selfish arseholes and to suggest that ALL bad behaviour or lack of change is entirely down to the autism element so to find it unpleasant is ableist, is disgusting - it implies that people with autism lack any autonomy over their decision making, or that their entire personality is something completely out of their hands 'because autism'. Thats so insulting. We are real, whole, complex people. Who can be shit partners and arseholes because of our autism, but its not other people's responsibility to be unhappy in a relationship because of us.
Also, super insulting to the NT person in the relationship - they dont find the behaviour objectionable because its autism driven, they find it objectionable because its behaviour that makes them or their children unhappy, and if the same behaviour was displayed by a NT partner they would still find it objectionable. Shutting the conversation down by saying this is ableist is not helpful to anyone!!
This isn't a case of making reasonable adjustments for a colleague at work ffs.
Absolute best of luck to you and your children OP.

Op you cannot say anything about a person with autism without being screamed at by the 'ableism' brigade.

Relationships and autism are often fraught. (Cover your ears for the screaming.) it isn't your fault. I wish you the best and the best is not that man. He's not even the minimum. Let his mummy pander to his special interests and disengage. Keep the chain on the door if you aren't expecting him.

My son is autistic and in a really bad way

I can’t divorce him but I’m really sad and worried and stuck myself

I just think it’s really fucking sad

autism can be a real cxxt to live with

no one is winning here are they ?

and good that her ex DH has a supportive mum