Upset over porn

[Mummyrere]

Little back story - won’t go too much into it.

me and my partner have lots of issues in the bedroom department. More him than me - actually all him not me, but we don’t have sex often atall. He has said he’s not too much of a sexual person. About a year back I found on his phone he was paying cam girls. I was distraught and we almost split up but I tried hard to get through as we had only recently had a baby. He’s promised me he never looks at them, he shows me his bank accounts if I’m feeling very insecure to prove. I do believe he’s not. Now fast forward to now. Every now and then he will masterbate, and he tells me he watches porn. He also deletes his history on his phone. I get why - you wouldn’t want me to see exactly what things you watch and also I’m not naive and know men watch porn but I just can’t help feeling really insecure and upset about him watching porn and it really bothers me. Is this right? I know I couldn’t stop him watching it but it just bothers me so much - whether it’s because of all the back story I don’t know. But any advice?

My advice is, if it’s upsetting and making you fell insecure , ask him to stop. Not every man watches porn. People who think this is true have disrespectful partners who have convinced their wives and gfs that it’s ok because ‘all men do it’. A man who wants his wife or gf to feel loved, feel like the only one, a man who wants to make sure he doesn’t do anything unnecessary to hurt her ; would simply not watch porn. This is my own personal belief. If a woman is ok with her other half watching porn, then that’s perfectly acceptable too, but it’s only acceptable when the partner accepts and agrees it’s ok.

In my mind, it is gross disregard for your feelings, and doing this in the home you share your lives in? Yuck. How horrid. I understand how you feel. Have the conversation. How woukd he feel if you were getting sexual gratification from another man? Everyone has their opinions but this is just mine. Wishing u the best x

@SillySaloon thank you - very good advice :) it’s true - I feel like I’ve just been conditioned to believe that all men watch porn and that should be accepted - but you’re right that’s not how it should be at all xx

me and my partner have lots of issues in the bedroom department. More him than me - actually all him not me, but we don’t have sex often atall. He has said he’s not too much of a sexual person. About a year back I found on his phone he was paying cam girls.

The porn is in addition to this though.

You don't have a regular/active/healthy sex life that you're happy with (?)

He told you he's not a sexual person.

Then you find out he very much is ... Bit not with his partner, with sex workers online.

Now ...do you still have an infrequent, unsatisfactorily sex life ... While he uses porn?

It just seems like he is s happy to have a relationship, a partner, kids with them; but diesbt really want or isn't capable of a healthy sex life with them; instead its porn and previously sex workers online he gets off on.

It's hardly a sex life or life many people would be happy with.

he shows me his bank accounts if I’m feeling very insecure to prove

Who wants to be in this position either - bank account "nanny" .... It's fucked up. Shit sex life and him showing you his bank accounts to prove he's not on cam sex sites again (btw I'm sure there are ways he could hide payments if he really wanted to, he could have another account you don't know about gif example).

*for example

(If you only have one child with him, id not be having more ....if you do, you're only getting more tied down and making it more difficult to leave).!

i think it’s a personal thing and if it’s a boundary for you and your relationship then its easily seen as dis respectful. But maybe there’s a little more to it ? You say you don’t have much of a sex life , could it be because he’s not over confident ? Maybe things have become ‘same old’
I mean maybe he is just obsessed with porn but you would know him on a much deeper level than the reader on here.
I know couples that watch it and have a good sex life together because of it. Some ppl can differentiate love and sex - some ppl can’t.
if I saw an explicit film with say … Tom hardy - I probably wouldn’t turn it over…. But would that mean I didn’t love / respect my husband ?
having said that we all have boundaries and if yours is that this is unacceptable and it hurts you and he is aware, then it’s not acceptable but also could you be feeling insecure ?
good luck xx

Not all men watch porn.

It sounds as though he can cope with "relationships" onscreen but not in real life. He does not sound good partner material nor parent material.

One of the - just ONE of the - problems with porn is that it’s him having a compliant woman on tap who has no needs. He doesn’t have to think about pleasing anyone but himself. And that’s what he’s training his brain to desire, and his body to be used to.

it’s perfectly ok if porn isn’t a third partner you want In your relationship. But just “stopping” what sounds like an addiction at this point, when he paid web cam girls in the past (again: showing he desires complaint servants) might not be easy; it can simply lead to him lying more and hiding it better.

waste of time, IMO. Find a better man - they exist. Or no man - life of freedom on the other side of the Man Trap is amaaazing