Would you forgive your mum of neglect if she didn’t know any better?

[Ifyousayso1]

I’ve been tormented my whole life because of my upbringing. My mum was abused by her own father and had a terrible relationship with her mum. No emotional support from her at all. My own mum gave me no emotional support. She developed an illness which causes depression. I did not have a good childhood. I developed anxiety at a young age. I had no idea that is what is was and had many tests.

Im 40 now. I’m 4 years past an abusive marriage and with a nice man and have 2 children. I was married 12 years and suffered emotional abuse by a narcissist who I tried to “fix”. He also offered me no emotional support and was only interested in himself.
My anxiety has reduced substantially but I suffer with low self esteem and feelings of rejection.

My mum although never offering me emotional support has helped me financially and in other ways. She will never be able to give me anything emotionally as she has never had that herself. She suffers terrible with rejection and has M.S.

Although she has messed up my whole life I’m finding myself feeling forgiveness. She as I am doing is the only thing she’s known. She was never intentionally bad but the effects were the same.

Could you forgive?

I wouldn’t call it abusive but my mum was extremely controlling and I was scared of her. She was very clearly damaged from her own childhood. Luckily my dad was very loving but he enabled her behaviour and told us to always give her the benefit of the doubt. He died of cancer and towards the end he was utterly worn down and miserable. She always played the victim. I’ve no doubt she was but it wasn’t for us to take the brunt. I try so hard not to repeat the cycle with my own.

You were the child she was the adult she knew what she was doing and how her own childhood made her feel sorry but that is abuse

I am quite matter of fact about my childhood and teenage years - they were bad. I wasn't abused or neglected though and I knew that my parents loved me, they were just not great parents, they divorced ... the fall-out was huge. Also, they both get on my nerves in a major way! (well my Dad did, he's dead now) - I don't quite know why that is but I'm probably hyper-sensitive to any imperfection in them both.

But as my Mum's life is drawing to an end I am glad I maintained a relationship of sorts with her. I know people who have cut contact with their parents for so much less and I do think wtf? they are only human, they probably regret their failings (even if they can't admit it) and they had their own stuff to deal with as well as being Mum and Dad.

This post really resonates with me, and sums up how I feel about my own mother. She allowed things to happen that shouldn’t have ever have happened to any child.. but I can understand why she allowed what she did. Her past, it explains a lot.

I can understand why my mum is who she is, and why she did what she did. I can forgive her for only doing what she was able to.

I do not forgive what she could have helped later on, once she knew better.

It absolutely does not mean I will ever give her the chance to do any of it again though. Ever.

Yes. But I'm not in touch with her, and won't ever be now.

She was unquestionably very damaged by her own childhood and I can totally appreciate that she was only an abuser because she had been a victim herself, and in particular had been a victim in an era where very little was understood about trauma and children's emotional needs and development.

But as a result she was a controlling, manipulative, narcissistic parent, who neglected our needs in order to prioritise her own, turned us all against each other in order to maintain her position as top dog, and did me (in fact, all of us) untold emotional and psychological damage, costing me health, happiness and opportunities - and was just about ready to repeat history with my children when I pulled the plug on our relationship.

I think it's important to draw a distinction between fault and responsibility. It was my mother's responsibility to address her problems at least to the extent that they didn't damage us, and she failed to take that responsibility, and has had to live with the loss of contact that that eventually led to. That's really important to acknowledge, especially in the face of the criticism that NC adult children routinely collect from the but-she's-your-mother brigade. It was her responsibility - not mine - I was only a child. But none of it was her fault, because she, in her time, suffered terribly and she was only a child too.

So I also acknowledge that, and because I acknowledge that, I can forgive her. But it's taken many years, and along the way much anger, despair and confusion, and a certain amount of conflict with siblings who can't forgive (or not yet) and take very personally the fact that I do.

Wishing you well, OP.

My mum struggles to read and write and could not finish school. I sometimes wonder if she had some difficulties on top of the trauma. I remember very little from pre 16 years old so it’s really hard for me to pin point actual things that happened. All I remember from being small was that I was scared of my own shadow and alone. I struggle to maintain intimate relationships now. I hate eye contact, raised voices. I have been told I have c-ptsd but then Ive always thought I am on the spectrum. Guess I’ll never know.

its hard isn’t it?

Because PTSD is one thing And you could easily say that this was her fault. And your dad too if he let really bad things happening to you.

If you are in the spectrum and no one knew, then I can easily see how what would have been seen as normal requests and normal situations could have been traumatic for you. And you just have to see threads on here to see how people/parents are not always gentle in their approach, even when ND is a possibility.

However, I disagree with the ‘I’ll never know’. You can still pursue a diagnostic if autism and look with a professional at what could be signs if autism vs signs if trauma. Many people with autism are misdiagnosed with PTSD, bipolar etc… (and sometimes both co exist too). That’s your journey in understanding yourself better.