What to do about DH

[Foreverexhausted1]

Hi first time poster here. Need some advice please, I'm so confused about my marriage.

I've been with my DH for 10 years, married for 2. Have two boys, 3 and 1. We've been friends since our teens and I was always so clear when I pictured my future that he was in it but now I'm not so sure. Maybe because I'm permanently exhausted from working (part time senior management role) and raising two kids and it feels like he's a third child.

He doesn't do his share of the chores, the mental load or life admin. I basically run our house and he's trying as hard as he can to help me out and do me a favour (his words this morning) He thinks pressing go on the robot vacuum counts! For example I had a long day at work yesterday, collected the kids, cooked dinner and went to bed early. Came down early this morning with both kids to the kitchen looking the same as last night. He'd watched TV for hours and it doesn't cross his mind to clean up when he knows I hate waking up to a messy kitchen. He doesn't tidy anything away, he leaves clothes everywhere, doesn't put anything in the washing basket or put clean clothes away, always leaves rubbish on the side in the kitchen etc and it's rubbing off on the kids. I think I was blind to it before kids when I had more spare time but now this is all grating on me and resentment is building. I feel like he's got worse since the kids were born and now doesn't do any DIY or chores unless I constantly ask him and I hate feeling like a nag.

When our first son was around 6 months old he got a promotion at work and over time he's become more grumpy and impatient with the kids. My eldest has started picking up on it and frequently comments on how daddy is grumpy. We've talked about work life balance and he always says he will work on it but nothing much happens. This is a common theme for any issues.

Over time all of this has destroyed our relationship and there is a huge gulf between us now. He's not who he used to be, who I fell in love with and I don't know how I feel anymore.

We live like housemates now, there's no intimacy, minimal affection, we rarely have sex and I'm not really attracted to him. A lot of this also coincides with COVID lockdowns starting and it's like he never came back and joined the real world unless it's to go to the pub with friends. He now WFH full time, doesn't take care of himself, gained quite a bit of weight, drinking more and it doesn't bother him if he doesn't have a shower from one half of the week to the next.

I will always love him, he's the father of my children but I don't know if I'm in love with him anymore. It would break my heart to split our family up but I also don't know if I can do this for the rest of my life.

Thanks for reading. Any advice appreciated x

Have you thought about marriage counselling?

I'm in the 'fuck it, life is too short' boat.

If you can afford to go it alone, why wouldn't you?
It's not healthy for the kids to see their dad being a lazy shit and their mother running around after them anyway.

You don't fancy him anymore either so that's that really.

Maybe if he has his own place he'll have to grow up. Might make him a better dad.

TBH it sounds like he's not living his best life either so maybe it would be a mercy for both of you.

I mean that said, if you plonking divorce papers on the DH-shaped dip in the couch gets him to turn himself around, wonderful. Just you don't hear of that happening all too often sadly.

If you’re on FB, join a page/group call ‘Bridging the Gap’. They have lots of practical tools to help you see the gaps and encourage a fairer sharing of responsibilities. It’s a little depressing as you realise how common this sort of thing is (has been my experience with every male partner I’ve had too) but some people do have success. It’s generally with decent guys who are willing to change though.

Ugh, he sounds like a lazy, selfish, moody, entitled pig who is massively taking you for granted and is a poor father to boot. If you can leave, please don’t waste anymore of your life on a man who treats you with such little respect.

Bring devil’s advocate, could he be depressed op? You say the change came about during Covid? Depression can manifest itself as grumpiness. Might it be worth him talking to the gp?

Other than that, you could give him one last chance by writing down every single thing you do in the house and then having a serious discussion about who takes responsibility for what? You shouldn’t have to though. He’s being really cheeky by taking advantage of your hard work.

Other than one last attempt, you can spend a lifetime trying to get someone to change when it’s probably not worth it.

This really resonates with me as I could have written this post word for word myself a few years ago (I probably did write a similar one!). Resentment turns to hate I'm afraid and also as he's already giving you the ick and you don't fancy him that is the final nail. It's impossible to go back from that im afraid as all of us on mumsnet will tell you. So many men are still like this and wondering why the divorce rate is rocketing. Women don't want to put up with this anymore and also financially, we don't have to now. although men are slow to cotton on to this.

Sit for a moment and imagine what the house would be like without him in it. Clean, tidy, organised, smelling fresh and no moods or shouting. Kids happy and playing. Every so often they go to stay at his and his relationship with them blossoms as he has to give them his full attention when they are there instead of leaving it to you. Meanwhile you are out with your friends, organising your house or meeting a new man. The kids return to their mother who is refreshed and happy. Kids do adapt and two happy parents is what they need not a miserable stressed household.

The other option is you kick the issue down the road for another few years, wait for a miracle to happen and become even more unhappy and still have to deal with it.

Right now what positives is he adding to your life? I don't see any.
Right now what negatives is he adding to your life? A fuck ton.

Your life is so unbalanced you can do one of three things:

Counselling - but will he do the homework asked of him?
Carry on the same way for the next twenty years until the kids leave home - do you think you won't end up with mh or other health problems? (Hint. You will be on antidepressants in five years).
OR start the process of leaving.

You can't control his actions, you can only control yours. Since he needs to change for your life to be better you aren't going to "win" this one.

How sad. Why don’t these women just leave rather than trying to train a man as if he’s a dog? He doesn’t pull his weight because he doesn’t think he should have to, it really is as simple as that.

I wish women would reframe how they look at relationships. I saw a nature documentary a while back and it featured bald eagles, who mate for life, yet every year before the female will mate with the male, he has to prove his worth and hunt for her, bringing her food. He has to show that he can pull his weight and provide because she can’t raise a chick alone, he has to be worth the investment for her. What she doesn’t do is take time to train him how to hunt, give him chances etc. Women need to be more like that, it would force men to up their game.

I agree with the other posters: for you to be happy HE has to change. It's unfair to ask someone to change, he won't be able to (or he would have already done it) and he deserves as much as you do to be with someone who doesn't need him to change. Going to counselling will probably be fruitless (if he even agrees which is doubtful). All this 'writing lists' he's not a child he knows what is required to run a home but decides to leave it to you. He won't do anything even if he agrees to it initially because fundamentally people can't change

Ask him what he thought life was going to be like as a husband and father. Is he happy for you to be his domestic servant?

This sounds awful. These men don't want to change. They know what they are doing. This is just trying to convince women they can control this situation where really the only way they can control it is to choose not to be in it.

You could go to marriage counselling just to get his take on it but really you can just say no.
No you don’t want a man child in the house. No you don’t want to explain how a house is run, how parenting works, how kids’ lives work, no to all of it.
Use the counselling to work out an amicable split and then go on your merry, much more manageable way.

I agree. I’ve personally given up and I will never live with a man again but for those who do want to try to find a way, they do offer some good tools to use like a chore audit. To be fair, where it’s clear the gaps can’t be bridged, there’s abuse or the partner is not changing despite attempts to change, then the advice is usually to leave.

I do think some of it boils down to society and conditioning but I think it’s far more common for it to be caused by entitlement, laziness and a preference for buying leisure time with their partners labour.

Ffs.

So, he's selfish, lazy, sexist, thoughtless, grumpy, you don't fancy him, happily let's you be run ragged etc etc...and the advise is to get marriage counselling or strategies to change him.

No, no, no, fucking no.

Reframe this. HE has already broken your family. He has. By breaking you. Your family is already broken whether you live under the same roof or not.

Women need to stop putting up with this shit. Seriously. Not just for themselves. Not just for their own kids. But until society accepts as a whole that men fathers are just as responsible as mothers for children.

There's another thread on here about kids not lifting a finger in the house. Maybe try out the same advice the other OP is getting.
If he leaves his clothes on the floor, don't pick them up and don't wash them.
If he won't wash up or load the dishwasher, leave his dirty dishes where they are. If he won't help with food prep, or food shopping he doesn't get dinner. See how it goes but you know what the next step is. LTB.

There's another thread on here about kids not lifting a finger in the house. Maybe try out the same advice the other OP is getting.
If he leaves his clothes on the floor, don't pick them up and don't wash them.
If he won't wash up or load the dishwasher, leave his dirty dishes where they are. If he won't help with food prep, or food shopping he doesn't get dinner. See how it goes but you know what the next step is. LTB.

I wonder if women who join that group get a free chore chart for the husband so he can tick off his tasks as he goes and get a sticker at the end? Really, it's pathetic. These men aren't stupid, they've got it made. Why change when you do it all for him?

I think the page is brilliant! It’s helping women see where the gaps are, I’ve learnt loads despite being a feminist. They don’t encourage women to stay no matter what and people are just as likely to shout LTB as they are on here. What is does do, is give tools for women who want to try and want to have the conversation in a constructive way. It’s really nice to see posts where their partner has stepped up but it’s depressingly rare and gets lost amongst all the posts about abuse and gaps. If nothing else, it demonstrates just how widespread the problem is. We need a societal shift.

Before you call time on the marriage have you tried stopping doing absolutely every single thing which you do for him? It feels quite nuclear but I think that you’re at a point that it’s going to end up nuclear one way or the other.

So if you usually cook dinner for all four of you then just cook for you and the kids and eat before he gets home. If you usually wash his clothes stop doing it. If you usually shop for the family stop. Just buy what you need for you and the kids, nothing that he likes or wants.

At the same time completely stop clearing up any mess which he makes. So his clothes on the floor stay there, his wrappers in the kitchen, his shoes in the lounge. If he leaves the kitchen a state then you work round it.

If he’s not parenting then you book a week away in the sunshine somewhere and leave him with the kids (if it’s safe). You do no prep whatsoever.

Every time he says “why haven’t you washed my clothes” you answer with “why haven’t you washed mine” etc. Every time he says “the kitchen is a mess” you say “yes, I couldn’t clean it because the surfaces were covered with your washing up”. Every time he says “you can’t go on holiday because I need to work” you say “it’s hard juggling work and kids on your own isn’t it”

Itll be hard but its realistically probably the only thing which will save you marriage if it’s possible.

There is a chore audit but ‘gap chicken’ and going on strike is also encouraged. There’s a few different tools promoted including a card game abd book written by someone but I can’t remember at the moment. No stickers though! It’s common to see posts about partners wanting praise for doing the bare minimum and that’s always met with derision.

Thanks everyone, you've all given me a lot to think about. I really don't think he will go for counselling but I will explore getting him to see a GP as I hadn't considered that he may be depressed. I think I want to rule that out before going nuclear. I've definitely been too soft doing everything he couldn't be bothered to do. Ironically tonight he's got off his backside and pulled his weight and we've had a nice evening for a change but I'm not silly, I've seen this before and it doesn't last

Ah the cycle has begun he’s noticing your withdrawing and will help then slip back to being a lazy fukker again. Don’t fall for it.

I really don't think he will go for counselling

Even when it’s his only chance? Necessity is a great motivator.

Be very honest and say it might be too late but you are willing if he’s willing. Playing lip service and temporarily being on his best behaviour won’t cut it, he either starts pulling his weight or it’s over. This is his last chance.

Have you considered that he might be thinking the same way as you - that separation would be easier for him? He could live the life he wants, maybe find someone who wants to live it with him? Have the kids for a bit, maybe do a bit of Disney dad. In the meantime you can relax, drop the resentment, live the life with the kids that makes you into a good parent.

It’s really really hard to be the partner who steps up and says “I want out”. I certainly wanted XDH to be the one who did it. And if you do it you may have to live with him pulling the “she left me! She broke up the marriage! card”. But if he wants to stay married he knows what to do.

Maybe consider testing the waters? As long as the kids know that they are loved they will survive and as adults they may come to wonder why you stayed together so long (mine do).