Pregnant and cheated on

[Darceydoodles]

So after 10 years together, partner always pushing for a baby we finally agreed and I am 5 months pregnant. A week ago I stumbled upon messages from a woman we both work with, they were telling each other they loved each other and all the rest of the crp. I confronted him and he said he never told her that and the message were being passed on to him to try and catch out someone at work. 2 days later he admitted it. But denied the love thing. After a talk with a third party to be unbiased he admitted that night that he did say it. He sticks to the fact that he didn't mean anything by it, she would just be saying nice things and it made him feel good. The funniest bit is, this person spilt my best friend and her partner up with a similar situation. I listened to the messages she had found and they sounded very similar, she would say she wasn't happy with her husband and that my partner was different and really nice, how he looked good after losing weight... this was the same rubbish she was saying to my friends partner. I would like to say that the relationship between us was faultless and happy but it hasn't been for a while. I have pulled away altogether. We still had sex but there was no intimacy or affection. He's mentioned this a couple of times over the last year, feeling unloved and no affection, but I didn't see the problem. But there have been times where I have walked away from a cuddle and turned my head from a kiss on nearly every occasion. Almost like two stangers living together.This is I think where he got sucked in by someone blowing smoke up his ase and why he said it felt nice to have someone saying nice things to him and paying him attention. He says there's nothing there. And he's never met her and it was just stupid texts over a week or 2 that were mainly when he was very drunk, which he has been drinking alot more these last few weeks. I've told him he needs to get tested regardless if he met her or not, for my peace of mind. I just don't know if I should stay and accept responsibility for pushing him away or walk away before baby is born knowing I can't trust him.

I’m so so sorry you’ve found yourself in this situation. I know from personal experience how painful it is having been in a very similar situation myself.

After I caught them together, he decided to stay with ow. I was desperate for us to be a family so I did eventually take him back after our DD was born but he continued cheating with a variety of women and I left when DD was 5.

Once the trust is gone, it’s very hard to continue the relationship. I would also say that the stress affected my DD when she was developing and she has issues related to developmental trauma. I don’t want to frighten you and my DD is ok despite this but I wish now I’d prioritised myself and my DD when I was going through this.

I wonder if some counselling or therapy would be useful to help you work through your feelings. It’s a very vulnerable place to be when you’re pregnant which intensifies the sense of betrayal. But, I will also say that you’re a woman and we somehow always find the strength to carry on and thrive even in the hardest of circumstances. Just trust that you and your baby will be ok, more than ok, whatever happens. You’ve got this

Why would you stay? You've disengaged presumably because you are no longer attracted to him, and he's sleeping with your colleague (no matter what he may say). What is there left to save?

Stay because he's a convenient housemate who pays half the bills? He obviously isn't happy and you sound indifferent. How can you think this is a good environment in which to raise a child?

Having a small baby is difficult, it requires a cohesive committed team, which you are not. I'd get your ducks in a row, start working out where you will go and who will be your support network when he leaves. Parents, sister...?

Good luck

I am attracted to him. I'm just a cold person and the fault of lack of intimacy is mainly my fault. I've done this before in other relationships. I know it might not last forever even if we try but there's a lot to walk away from. I'm just trying to rationalise my thoughts. At first he didn't want to be tested because he was adamant there was no need. Now he sees it from my angle that its for my own peace of mind and my baby. I wish i could hook him up to a lie detector test.

It seems like she's caught him at a vulnerable time.

My inclination would be to say - let's put the behind us and try to listen to eachother more in future. But make it clear this is his second chance and you don't give third chances.

To try and be more affectionate towards him. Or, if you need space, just to say 'hey sorry, I just need a little personal space atm, feeling a bit sick/touched out. But I love you lots'. Not just give him the cold shoulder and make him wonder if you are mad or something.

I do worry though- what do you mean 'we both agreed' to the child? Because tbh it sounds more like he wore you down. Which, is not ideal. And, did you two not discus marriage first? I mean, maybe you did and both didn't want it...but I'm always wary of any man who wants babies but not the commitment of marriage first.

We've been with each other 10 years and engaged for 5 of those. Neither of us are big on marriage. There was an impending sentence of having to start life changing medication on his behalf that meant if we didn't conceive in a set window then it would be unlikely to happen after that. That was what tipped the scales for me. I just don't know weather to belive it hasn't gone further. He says I make him feel unloved buy how little I'm interested in him.

Not the right relationship for you. Not sure you should be bringing a poor child into this scenario

He says I make him feel unloved buy how little I'm interested in him.

I mean, he’s right isn’t he. You don’t seem to love him, or like him and are fine with him knowing it.

The relationship sounds awful. You’ve both pulled away but yours was first and more prolonged and the way you describe your behaviour and attitude is beyond cold. Were you trying to push him away so he dumped you and then decided to get pregnant while doing it?

You seem sure he hasn’t even met her so what’s the getting tested stuff? Seems very odd.

Just call time on the sorry thing, it’s dead, and try to focus on being the best coparents you can be to the baby.

It's been a bit on both sides. One of the reasons I pulled away was be abuse he was always distant unless it involved sitting in a pub or him having a pint in his hand. For me to be affectionate I need something back and I didn't feel like I was getting it. He wouldn't make plans with me incase there was an offer to go out.

Considering you have been together 10 years, the communication between you sounds awful. "I'm just a cold person" comes across as a cop-out on your behaviour. You've not been turning away from kisses and affection for 10 years or it wouldn't of lasted, so you are quite capable of affection.
He only gave affection with a drink in his hand and waited for others to invite him out - or did he? Are you assuming that was the case, as it sounds like you have sat back and quietly seethed and withdrawn in preference to asking him to arrange going out together, or even arranging things yourself.
Most men will admit to not being mind readers, they don't guess what is behind behaviour as women often do, so you have to be direct. A man withdraws affection, it's "what have I done to cause this?" A woman does and its " she doesn't like me anymore", that's as far as it goes sometimes ( I know there's exceptions, I'm generalising).
The upshot is that unless you tell a man verbally what is up that's causing withdrawal - in this case lack of planning time together - he's not going to have a clue.
It's high time you sat down and discussed what's been behind both your behaviours. Maybe there is room for forgiveness and moving on from it if it hasn't gone too far.
If you can't communicate your needs verbally, and resort to snubbing each other, it doesn't bode well for parenting together, where being a unit on the same page is important.