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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

ending marriage with young child?

11 replies

katyross223 · 06/07/2023 09:50

Hi all

Looking for some advice. I had a baby 12 months ago. Our marriage has been rocky for the last four years. Since having the baby this has got worse, we hardly speak and never have sex. Sex has always been important to me, (which he knows) and promised me after the baby was here it would get better. He has accused me in the past of "bullying him" into sex, and whenever I try to initiate sex he will decline saying he is too tired. I miss the intimacy. We are constantly bickering, and have two totally separate ways of parenting our child. Everything with my husband is a stress or difficult, if we go out for the day it is such a stress that it is most often not worth going. My husband is a nice guy. He is kind and caring (most of the time) but has done things to me that make me feel like he is gaslighting me. I have raised concerns about our relationship countless times, and I now am wanting out of the relationship, despite him being a nice guy. I am still quite young myself (under 30) and he is 11 years older then me. I am worried if I don't leave now I am wasting time. I have booked an appointment with a solicitor.

I'm nervous of the change to my lifestyle, finances etc. but the main thing im concerned about is hurting everyone around me. I do not really have the family support so would be mainly doing this alone.

Thanks for your help.

OP posts:
Princesspeachee · 06/07/2023 09:56

Well done you for realising this needs to end.
It will be OK but you can't live life like this and it sounds like you've given enough chances. It is ways harder to leave then it is to stay.

Your biggest priority is sorting out living situation, is he going or are you?
Making sure your finances are in a row, childcare if you're working, any extra you are entitled to if you are not etc.

Ultimately the transition period is hard and you will be full of grief and doubt at times and that's completely normal. You may not be compatible anymore but it's still OK to grieve what you used to have. Just keep reminding yourself this is a positive step forward for you and your child and it will be OK in time.

Original poster
katyross223 · 06/07/2023 10:02

Thank you so much. This is what I needed to hear.

OP posts:
Princesspeachee · 06/07/2023 10:07

@katyross223
Honestly I've done it.
Walked away from everything and started again from scratch with a young child.
It was really hard and I grieved the family unit for a long time even though we weren't compatible anymore and it was more toxic in the end than it was loving.
We Co parent so much better now than we ever did together. Our child is happy, they have 2 happy parents who can talk and communicate instead of scream and shout or not talk at all.
We have more respect and love for each other now than we did in a relationship and although there are no romantic feeling and we have both moved on we are perfectly capable of doing things together with our child now without it being an unhappy experience for anyone involved.

Original poster
katyross223 · 06/07/2023 10:11

Appreciate your honesty. This gives me hope.

OP posts:
blackrabbitwhiterabbit · 06/07/2023 10:21

You might want to change your post title?

Princesspeachee · 06/07/2023 10:23

It can absolutely be as amicable as you both want it to be. It does take time and you do need to set boundaries in the beginning, no coming in to each others houses acting like nothing has changed etc. You have to have your own space. One of the hardest parts is splitting the custody. Going from seeing your child everyday to having time without them is awful for both of you.
We agreed that he would have DC every weekend at the start. This was hard and many didn't agree but him being a father was not the issue and I just didn't feel I could put him through seeing his child everyday to every other weekend. Having time at the weekend really helped me to grieve and also recharge too. DC is much older now so it's every other weekend but stays with him every wed too. Again this is an agreement we came to without arguments.
You have the benefit of your little one being so young that if you do this now it will be all she's ever know and remembers too.

You absoloutley can do this

Original poster
katyross223 · 06/07/2023 10:55

why?

OP posts:
Original poster
katyross223 · 06/07/2023 10:56

Thank you so much. I may send you a private message in future if you don't mind if i need further help. x

OP posts:
Princesspeachee · 06/07/2023 10:57

katyross223 · 06/07/2023 10:56

Thank you so much. I may send you a private message in future if you don't mind if i need further help. x

Yes not a problem,anytime xx

And I think the other poster has read your title as in you want to end your marriage with your child...

Original poster
katyross223 · 06/07/2023 11:00

I dont know how to change it 😅xx

OP posts:
Princesspeachee · 06/07/2023 11:05

You can't you'd have to request mumsnet.com to do it but honestly I wouldn't worry about it

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