Feeling so drained, ready to leave DH

[Egzhausted]

I am just looking for some support and hope. Although I live in a lovely home and it’s currently being renovated, I feel exhausted and drained by H increasingly irrational behaviour. The drinking, the self absorption, the defensiveness, not backing me up when the kids are rude and disrespectful. I’ve just had enough, I feel so poorly and burnt out today.

Teen has finished their exams, I’m ready to just leave everything and talk to a solicitor. I’m just very very scared. Scared I’ll not be able to afford a place on my own with the kids. Im actually afraid they’ll stay with their dad as it’s me that’s made out to be the angry, nagging woman who makes everyone miserable. It’s actually him though, I hate him for how he’s made me feel. I think he knows I’ve had enough as he’s drinking more, not speaking to me, not telling me when the builders are arriving so I’ve been in mid panic every morning before work trying to get everything ready before I leave for work. Kids have been really awful to me, but I get that they’re teenagers. I do blame him though, I’ve never felt he had my back when I try to create boundaries. He’s not fun anymore either. Aaarrrghh!!

I’m so fed up! Please help! I’ve just needed to moan!

Sorry it probably has made no sense, my head feels like it’s going to explode!

I think it’s just how he’s made me feel, he’s totally broken me with his drinking and his behaviour. Why treat someone like this

This sounds really difficult OP and your exhaustion comes across loud and clear. I’d suggest making an appointment with a couple of different solicitors to understand what the financial and legal situation would be if you split. Most will offer a free 30 minute consultation. You will need to have all your financial info to hand so they can see the full picture and advise accordingly.

Alongside this, can you start to carve out time away from your H to look after yourself? If you don’t already, start going to the gym or to yoga classes, or join a running or hiking club. Something just for you, that gets you out of the house and away from his toxicity. Something that will lift you up. It’s important that you be kind and nurture yourself.

I’m sure others will be along with some good advice too. 💐

Thank you for replying @Treetops73 , I’m just feeling spaced out which isn’t good as I’m on an intense shift later today.

I feel like the builders are judging me today as the place is a tip, I’ve asked them if they want a brew and all have said no. It’s like they think I’m damaged and dirty, I’m so paranoid. H didn’t help before he left, I’m also left to walk the dog in the midst of this chaos.

I had a lovely evening with some friends last night, I didn’t mention my predicament. No one knows and I suspect they’ll blame me as to the outside (friends, family, even my kids), I’m the one who is the ‘problem’. No one knows he drinks, no one knows he’s not as nice, calm and jovial as he seems. His mask has never slipped.

I’ll talk to the solicitors. I don’t have a clue financially as we have a joint account that my wages go into, he has a separate account for his wages. I have a savings account still in my maiden name, there is not much in there. I don’t earn even half what he does, he also has his own money separately in a pension, I cannot afford one on my wage and with me thinking about the next steps, I’m not sure where this all leaves me.

Go see a solicitor.

Can you pack a bag and visit family for a break on your own?

To catch your breath?

I have teens so understand how tiring they can be.

Stop doing ANYTHING for them.

Stop cooking and laundry.

Let them use some of that energy they have to be rude and disrespectful towards you, to look after themselves.

It doesn't sound like a happy home.

Give them the choice to stay with him if they want.

See how they like it.

You need a break from them all.

You need to drop the rope and look after YOUR needs!

On top of everything else, your husband is abusing you financially. I wouldn't be surprised if you find that you'll be no worse off if you divorce because you will be entitled to at least 50% of everything, including his pension.

As for your children: take a step back. Don't make your decision to divorce dependent on whether they'll want to stay with you or with him. At some point they will realise that you are their chief parent who has their back and has been everything for them.

And I'm sure your friends will have some awareness of what he is really like. But even if they don't, their views should not determine how you lead your life.💐

"I had a lovely evening with some friends last night, I didn’t mention my predicament. No one knows and I suspect they’ll blame me as to the outside (friends, family, even my kids), I’m the one who is the ‘problem’. No one knows he drinks, no one knows he’s not as nice, calm and jovial as he seems. His mask has never slipped"

This is far more than a predicament (that is you minimising this) and I would think one or two of your friends have their own private based suspicions about your H.

Alcoholism thrives on secrecy and its high time you start telling the truth about him both to others and to yourself. Your children are also markedly affected by his alcoholism; its not called the "family disease" without good reason. I would urge you to seek legal advice asap along with starting divorce proceedings.

Do not just moan because its somehow easier than the alternative; actively start to rebuild your life without your drunk H in it. Your children will also thank you for doing that.

OP please get a therapist asap. You need the emotional support to get through this and it seems like you don’t feel you have any in RL.

Don’t worry about the kids, he’ll use them and they’ve been conditioned but I’m sure they will come round. You need to focus on you and your mental health first. Don’t let anyone manipulate you into staying.

good luck leaving the bastard.

Thank you all for helping me feel heard. I felt incredibly tired earlier but also extremely stressed and anxious. I’m in therapy but they’re away at the moment. Tbh I feel like my therapist is getting fed up of me as I’ve been scared to take the next steps to leave him.

I can’t go back to my parents as they’re traditional and would say I’m abandoning my kids, not being a good mum. I actually don’t think my friends would believe me either, they have heard me and seen him be the breadwinner, hardworking husband as well as the ever so helpful house husband who can multi task. This is exactly why I will look ungrateful. But it’s also like living with a robot one minute, cold and ignorant and then drunken who is argumentative and angry or sleepy and stumbling to the toilet, sleeping on the sofa, which I’m glad about. It’s not the life I want anymore.

Don't presume that good friends won't understand and support you.

In your place I would start recording him drunk and unpleasant.

Videos are far more powerful than words.

Do it.

Can you rent a cheap Airbnb to get a break on your own?

He will do whatever.

The children will probably come to realise the truth too.

You need to protect yourself right now.

Stop allowing your children to behave badly towards you.

Stop tolerating that.

If you were my friend Op I would listen and I would believe you.

What's coming across to me loud and clear is that you've got no confidence left, after YEARS of being systematically undermined, practically and emotionally.

I can assure you that the builders are not judging you. They work on BUILDING SITES, my love, they're not a bunch of French dukes.

And I'm also sure that not everyone is going to automatically believe you're "the problem" and that he is such a great guy you'd have to be mad to want to leave. That's exactly what he wants you to think. He NEEDS you to be so afraid of being exposed as the bad guy that you continue to put up with this crud forever and anon.

He wants you to think that everyone will turn their backs on you. That no-one will believe you. That you're mad, a nag, a bore. Because if you believe that, you will stay right where you are. Under his thumb.

When you realise that actually, no, he's pissing on your back and telling you it's raining, that's when you get your power back. He NEEDS you to believe this narrative. What would happen if it were not true? What could you do, knowing that it's not true?

Yes I agree with everything everyone here has said, follow their advice and definitely get evidence if you can. I thought you might want this too as I used this when I couldn't afford to keep using a solicitor https://www.iamlip.com/ it'll take you through the entire process for free. It really helped me so I hope it can help you too xxx And please remember to take care of you too. You are also important, don't forget that x

Thank you for this@Anita848

Last night was particularly unpleasant as he’d been drinking, all remorseful today moaning about his ingrown toenail. I don’t know why he wants sympathy when he treats me so atrociously.