Abusive partner walked out - advice

[Lostinthoughts23]

We were together 13 years , he was abusive in every way but I stuck with him
we have children.
The last year we’ve had financial problems I didn’t know exactly how much as he has the accounts but I know he would tell me he got no money when I asked for some for stuff, he works full time and paid all the rent bills etc .
Anyway may half term we argue because I need money for daughter school shoes and he says he don’t have any money and won’t budge so I have no choice but to send her in split shoes diy them the best I could to last June and July.
Early June we argue about this and he flips and says I’m always on his case asking for money and says he isn’t dealing with it anymore and grabs a backpack and leaves. I asked him where he’s going and he said a mates.

Literally goes quiet then for around a week wouldn’t talk to me I guess he was still working at this point. Anyway since I’ve found out he’s ran up debts , played online games etc and I’ve had a company contact me also I can’t pay rent or have much money for food etc as he had all the money , he’s been in touch recently calling me multiple times a day told me he’s signed off work sick because he can’t deal with it anymore , also I think he’s been following me .
When I do answer he refuses to talk about how I’m meant to pay rent and sort this mess out and he says he can’t deal with it and just wants to know what I’m upto how the kids are etc.
im going round In circles trying to get him to help me . When he left I was so upset and just was heartbroken I realised I loved him as I was confused about my feelings because he treated me very badly sometimes, I’m still feeling sad and I miss him and can’t believe he’s done this I just don’t know what to do.
I have got child benefit going into my account next payment as I had to call them to change what account it goes into as he has my old bank account . I just don’t know what to do without him I’m so lonely and sad at night I think about calling him asking him to come back so we can sort it , I don’t actually call him though I don’t know what stops me. But if he came back and he went back to work at least the rent wouldn’t be in arrears and we could work at our relationship.
Any advice appreciated

You honestly don't need an abusive man in your life and your kids certainly don't. Do you work? If not, can you get a job?

Have you put in a claim for UC? This will also pay housing benefit so all or part of your rent will be paid.

If he is abusive, him leaving is the best thing to happen, you just have to now take control. Others will be along with practical advice too. Good luck

I'm assuming you don't work? Speak to universal credit ASAP. They can sometimes help with an emergency payment, they can also (I think) give you food bank vouchers. Later, look to find part time work for when your daughter is at school. In the very short term do you have family or friends that could help with food?

I would also call citizens advice and get advice on the rent being in arrears. Im pretty sure you cant just be kicked out. But they will be able to help you with that.

Youre waiting around for him to come to the rescue here and he isn't going to. He's made a mess of it and run off. Not to mention he's abusive...this is your chance to break away and not have to rely on him

The rubbish took itself out. That’s great!

don’t let him anywhere near your life, he will ruin more years until you are dead.

if you are lonely, phone someone else or read a book. Anything but call him.

Call women's aid as well

You need to run as far away as you can from this man. Throw a party and celebrate that he has left. He is abusive, secretive, financially controlling and an addict. You will never have a happy relationship with him. I don’t know you but I sure know that you deserve SO MUCH better than this…… and so do your children. Call Womens Aid for advice. Speak to anyone you can about what benefits you are entitled to. Go speak to the bank (with ID) of your old bank account he has hijacked and get it back. Do an online credit check to make sure he hasn’t run up debt in your name.

What everyone else said !!

He was abusive to you and your children and you want him back because you’re lonely!! Give your head a wobble! He chose gambling and whatever else selfishly over his child having broken shoes!!! Think about that sentence.

Contact UC and CMS and woman’s aid also down the track do the freedom program. Your kids need you to protect and provide for them now

Ask for help.
Women aid
Citizen advice bureau
Family and close friends if you got someone that you can trust.

Don't take him back.

You feel hopeless now but start making those changes and you and your kids will be better without him.

He is making your life more difficult, you don't need that. There is help around use it, don't be shy asking for it. That help is for this situations.

All the strength for you.

https://benefits-calculator.turn2us.org.uk/

Work out your entitlements and start claiming what's rightfully yours and your daughter's. Do not take him back. The confusion you feel is called cognitive dissonance. That's when you believe 2 opposing things at once. You believe that he is somehow the man you want to be with, and that he is horrible to you, both at once. This only happens in abusive relationships. Confusion itself, doesn't happen in healthy relationships, there may be ups and downs, and things may be hard, but it's not confusing.

Get addicted to this:

https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/list-of-posts/

why is it better to be with a man who is abusive than being alone? It’s because its all you know… You don’t see it yet but he has done you a massive favour by leaving.

you have some good advice above. You now need to take control of your life. Take some practical steps today. This will make you feel so much better to be in control of your own life.

Why does he have your old account?

If the account he uses only has your name on it, go the branch with your passport or driving licence and CLOSE it. He should not have an account with your name unless it is a joint account

If it's a joint account go to the branch and withdraw money, then ask the to close it

So sorry you are going through this but in lots of ways it might be easier for you to move on as he left. Don't chase him, he's abusive & you were in this awful cycle of abuse. Is he just a partner, not a husband? At least if you're not married you won't be responsible for his debts. Take care of yourself & your kids, they will help you get through this

You need to claim as a single person with a child or children
Into an account that just belongs to you

https://www.gov.uk/universal-credit

Secondly, put in a claim for child maintenance from your ex

Do not get back together with your ex

Hes an abusive twat. Lots of good advice in above posts. Do not consider taking him back.

No we are not married but the house is rented joint tenancy.
He has my old bank account because he controlled all the money etc
There won’t be anything going into now as I changed the child benefit account and I’m looking to claim universal credit but been told it takes at least 6 weeks. No I’m not working as he didn’t let me work but I could get something in the future around school hours hopefully.
As for housing association they don’t care about my situation I’ve explained but they said the rent needs to be paid .
I don’t have any family who can help I have a couple of friends who don’t live local but I don’t think they can help much financially.
I know he is abusive but I understand more now why he was so stressed etc when he working so much and lots of outgoings etc so I feel bad for even pushing him to this and asking for money.
Im going to try and sort everything out claim as a single person etc not sure what to do about house though as he has a right to live here and it’s only a matter of time his mate has enough of him and he wants to come back.
Everything is overwhelming atm

Listen, if he was so stressed about money...he shouldn't also have been gambling and pissing about. He could have 'let' you work. There were numerous ways he could have improved the financial situation but he chose not to. Partly because he'd rather limit your freedom than limit the stress.

This was ALL his choice. And now he's run away and left you to deal with the fallout.

He is not your husband, end it and start claiming as a single person. Ask UC for an upfront emergency payment and food bank vouchers. Explain your situation to them and get whatever help you can

I think UC do an advanced payment.. Contact your MP...
See your Dr about a food bank referral.
Be honest with dc's school.
Be thankful there is no divorce to sort out...
Get a dcat. No being lonely... Or abused.. No dc need him as a df... You deserve more than being abused op.. You really do.

OP Change the locks

Why on earth would you want to go back to nasty piece of shit who you openly admit is abusive in every way?

He's literally left you and kids no money and no food I presume?

I get it it's overwhelming but come on love, be a mum! They need you. You are modelling what a relationship looks like to your children.

Please go speak to your local housing benefit place explain what is happening. Explain hen isn't living there anymore and the bills aren't getting paid. Go on gingerbread great site for single parents. Speak to citizens advice to see for more help.

Come on love you can't rely on him you never could. It's time to move and help your children realise you are the one they can depend on. You have to move on from this arsehole, for their sake as much as theirs. He is still controlling you through money. Take that away from him and you will be fine. Get help and stay away from him. He is no good.

By having access to your bank he can apply for credit cards and loans with them in your name.

contact the bank. Explain you’ve been in an abusive controlling relationship. Ask them to cancel all cards and change access details to online and telephone banking so he can’t use or access any of it.

do not take this man back.

look at what he’s letting life for your child be like! That’s absolutely appalling. He won’t get better and your poor childs memories will become tainted with the experiences and lifestyle you have if you continue to stay with him or take him back.

taking him back would be a selfish measure that’s about you and your needs. Not your child’s.

there are so many places you can go for help. People have listed them. Please contact these bodies. Definitely look at the freedom programme.

He is never going to ‘work on your relationship’. He’s shown you what kind of person he is. He won’t change. He doesn’t think there is anything wrong with how he acted.

good luck.

OP can you change the locks? Also you said you think he’s been following you , have you thought about reporting him ? Even though he left you , you need to be careful because when an abusive relationship ends the risk of being seriously harmed or worse increases.
In the short term can you ask friends to help you with food and basic essentials? I understand asking friends for money is hard though. You may not see it now but once you’ve sorted out your money problems and back on your feet you will see he is abusive twat that you didn’t need at all. Good luck

Part of your dilemma involves learning how to be free from abuse. The damage it does to your mind and body means that the anxiety and stress feels 'normal', as in familiar. Learn about how you can let go of trauma and relearn freedom. Don't let this man back into your life, ever. You can be happy and safe now.

As a PP said, you can get an advanced payment with Universal Credit. I think you can do this through your online UC account.

Sorry if I missed reading the ages of your children but schools can help with free dinners, uniform from lost property and they may have other sources of help or information they can pass on to you.

@Lostinthoughts23 you are still not seeing the reality of your situation. This man abused you because he wanted to.

Not because he was stressed or any other reason. He did it because he ENJOYED it. This isn't love. He doesn't even like you. He left because you were rocking the boat and he wanted to punish you. He has made you a lesser being who has to beg for basic care. Your poor children are suffering and you are still dithering over him. Give yourself a shake and stop.

You have to let him go. He is dragging you down and will ruin you and your children if you don't grab at this opportunity and get yourself free.

1. Call 101 and make arrangements to speak to the Police to report the domestic abuse. You need to stop protecting him and start helping yourself. Once there is an official record of what he has been doing, you will have a paper trail to help yourself get resources you need.
2. Arrange to have him removed from the missive. He will have to go with you for this or they will give you separate appointments. If he refuses, speak to Housing about temporary accommodation and support services and move out.
3. Get your name off any joint bank accounts/credit cards ASAP and open your own and have all benefits paid direct to you and NEVER give him access ever again. He has shown you that you cannot trust him.
4. Apply for benefits and look for a job. Apply to CMS for child support.

And finally - STOP talking to him about anything other than that appointment to get his name off the missive and when he can collect the rest of his crap.

I wouldn't even let him have visits with the kids until you are set up because he could use them against you or to get back into the home.

This is a cycle and until you break it, you will be stuck forever.

Remember your poor child went to school with her shoes taped together. That is a memory that will be with her for life now. New shoes for kids can be bought for a tenner and instead of giving you that, he spent the money on himself.

Stop enabling this. You owe your children better.

I’m looking to claim universal credit but been told it takes at least 6 weeks

Get an advance. Loads of people need and get this. So many, that they've made it part of the application system:

https://www.gov.uk/universal-credit/get-an-advance-first-payment

Also, sign up to moneysavingexpert and put any financial questions on there to get more advice.

They have templates of letters to stop creditors pestering you and for you to make any payments minimal and affordable.

I had a husband who was similar to your partner and I had to make it into a sort of game, sorting out the financial catastrophe he left behind. I used to log on after my children were asleep and every letter I sent to debt collectors or every £ I saved or problem I sorted out was a win!

And obviously, don't take him back or have any more contact with him.