Has my ship sailed for good friendships?

[Pinkelectric]

For a whole host of reasons I’ve just ended up in a place where I don’t have any really good friends (apart from my Mum). Some have been my fault, like prioritising boys in my later teens/ early 20s, and others due to working in an almost all male industry so not having any opportunity any female friends. I have a DH and two wonderful children who light up my world but I feel like I’m missing out and aware everyone around me seems to have wonderful bonds with other women.

I also live in a small village now. I’ve met a lot of people here and although on friendly terms I just don’t see it ever developing into anything deeper. I also think I’m always that person that people don’t mind but also wouldn’t miss. I’ve been starting to feel almost a grief about what I’m missing. I’ve tried classes and groups but it’s always the same people if that makes sense because of the village size.

Has anyone made really good friends a bit later on (I’m nearly 40) or should I just try and accept it is what it is and move on.

That sounds tough OP, but I don’t think it has to be like this forever! I’ve made some really good friends since I was 35 - through studying a course and a new job. Before that it was through sport. My sister has through her children (friend’s parents). So it’s definitely possible.

@CuriousGeorge80 thanks so much for replying that’s actually made me cry a little to not give up hope. Every new year for the last few years I think next year will be different and it never really is. I think part of the village thing is people are already in pretty tight knit groups. I work from home most of the time now, I just don’t know what opportunities I can look for.

I guess I could look to do classes in the nearest city but that’s a 30 min drive. I did NCT a few years ago in the city and quickly became omitted, completely understandably I might add, because everyone else lived closer and had a different group chat for impromptu coffees etc

yes @Pinkelectric i think so much of it is about opportunity and also chance. Tight knit places are hard to crack. Ironically, big cities can also be really lonely! How about signing up for one or two things in your local city and deciding to really give it a go for six months, go out of you way to always turn up, attend drinks etc. and see how that goes? What are your interests? I’m sure you can make it work! You seem really lovely x

Aww, @Pinkelectric please don't feel alone in this, sure many women have these great close friends, but an awful lot struggle just like you're struggling. I don't think you should ever give up on something that you clearly really want, but try to relax, do your thing, keep active and take the view that if a friend or two falls into your lap then that's great, and in the meanwhile you have your family and you have Mumsnet for chats.

I think everyone goes through a phase like this a few times in life. Often when, as you say, we have been preoccupied with family or work, and not had time for friendships.

Are there people in your village you think you might get on with? Do you know them well enough to invite them for coffee after one of the group things you do?

Some group things are more likely to create friendships than others. I've never been in one but people say book clubs are good, as there is so much chatting and opinion involved. Or a running club. People chat as they run together. Could you start one and put up a notice in the village. Be prepared to befriend people of different ages at different stages in life.

I live rurally, not even in a village, and my dc are well past school age. I made a new friend about a year ago via Facebook of all things. We were both in a group based on a political view we share, discovered we shared other fundamental beliefs (what they are is irrelevant) and then that we live about half an hour apart. So we arranged to meet roughly half way, got along well and now meet roughly every other week for a few hours nattering. We're not "besties" but are becoming good friends. I am 61 and she is 73.

That person that people don’t mind but wouldn’t miss

That’s me in a nutshell!

@HirplesWithHaggis That’s a lovely story it just definitely help the bond with those things in common

Thanks @CuriousGeorge80 yes that’s true in my more desperate moments I think maybe we should move but I do love our home. But you’re right just being in a city it isn’t a given. I think you’re right and that’s a good plan if I can make it work around my tiny people (toddlers) so will investigate x

@Jinnyjoes thanks yes weirdly mumsnet is good for feeling like you’re still getting chat with friends. I’m usually ok with things although it’s always in the back of my mind but for some reason at the moment it feels a bit like a wave of emotion around it all.

@SoWhatEh yes there’s definitely people I know well enough to invite for coffee. I think I always just feel a bit silly as they have groups they holiday with, go out with lots etc. I’ve had a few times where I’ve tried but people are just so busy with other social or family commitments but just need to put my big girl pants on and try again.

@Xeren solidarity x

@Pinkelectric I'm in a similar position, I have male friends I can chat to but only one female friend. I try to connect with other women but I just find it so hard, I'm not the girliest of girls and have no kids so struggle to find common ground sometimes. It does get a bit lonely

On another Thread recently the point was made about the difference between 'filling in time' with classes and chat or a pet compared to really wanting to develop an interest or skill.
I am an early retired and tried learning a language or two. -Didn't work. Then read about a character in history, looked him up on Wikipedia, followed the sources listed at foot of pages and now 2years later meeting real serious historians and having in depth conversations.
@HirplesWithHaggis has found this with politics, some find it with needlework.
Blokes commonly find it with trains or cars or shooting. They become 'experts'.
Whatever you really want to learn about there is another person with a similar interest.

OP, could you join Meetup? There's loads on offer there and if not locally then perhaps in your nearest city? Also try again with playdates if you have toddlers, or just inviting someone you know for coffee and a walk. My daughter has toddler twins and has made some nice friends this way, just meeting for coffee or a play in the nearest park with the children. She works full time so it has to be weekends mainly but it's worked for her.

I met a few through the kids. Op its hard did the usual hobbies or people stopped going. Met my friend last week knew her through the boys at primary. Found it hard in my 50s friends have fizzled out. No contact so I gave up as all one sided.

Many friendships are situational - you meet like minded people doing the same things.
Plus I think you can enjoy the benefits of social contact without necessarily being best friends.
Clubs where you meet for an interest - like a book group or a sport are good.
You have kids - could you volunteer with a club or activity they do? Scouts and Guides are very good for this.

Forgive me if this seems obvious, but if you have toddlers then in a few years you’ll be at the school gates and meeting other Mums there. Do you kids not go to nursery yet? The key with those friendships though- and this is very important- is to meet up with them without the children there. You can’t have anything other than a superficial chat when you have one eye on a child on the climbing frame or a little voice saying “I’m hungry!”.

If you work with men, why not friendships with men? Some of my closest longterm friends are male, and it seems mad to omit half of the human race as potential friends if you’re lonely.

But yes, absolutely, I’ve made new friends since moving countries in early 2020, despite Covid, and I’m 50. Some of them via DS’s friends, whose parents are great, others via work, some just happenstance (I met someone in an art gallery, and another time I bought a painting from an artist who turned out to be a friend of a friend, and I’ve become good friends with our architect, to the point where we’re going climbing this weekend).

I’ve never struggled to make friends, apart from one stint in a village where I just didn’t ‘fit’, and which was an incredibly lonely few years. I would seriously consider moving in your shoes, however fond of your house you are.

I've tried a few different hobbies over the years. Some have led to friendship, others I could quickly tell were never going to. In the past year or two I've got back into a sport I enjoyed in my youth, with associated volunteering. These days I'm off to the pub weekly with the gang, so many offers to do stuff at weekends I've had to start turning some down so I don't neglect my family, couple of weekends away. All nice people, very little in common other than sport and volunteering in the sport.

I'm 47. It's never too late! Hope you find that "thing" that works for you!

I don’t think the ship has sailed no, I do t think it ever does. We all have periods in life where we feel like this I think. Don’t be hard on yourself. Do the things you enjoy and friendships will come in time.

Additional: I used to live in a village and found it hard to make friends. We did move, but I was conscious of that "wherever you go, there you are" thing, and I realised I was going to have to be more open and flexible. This might not be true for you, but I think I did have little barriers up that I wasn't aware of, and I'm now a bit more inclined to give people and things a chance.

Hey op, I’m in a similar position, same age, also small town. I’m very introverted (although you wouldn’t know it to meet me, I’m good at faking 😆). Just this year, I lost my two longest standing and closest friends (to each other - long story) and it badly dented my self esteem. I’m recently single again as well. It’s coincided with a sort of midlife crisis as I realise I’ve not really lived. Something has snapped and I’ve thrown myself into doing new things and meeting new people. I’m enjoying myself if nothing else but hopeful I will find someone I really click with.

It definitely does happen. I met a woman in her 60s through work (client) whose family had fallen out with her and she was very isolated and lonely. She did have a friend on her street but she had stopped talking to her without giving a reason. I helped her set up a community activity and another local woman came along. They hit it off immediately and quickly became the best of friends. It was so lovely, they were both beaming with happiness.

Which area of the country are you in?

Thanks so much for all the replies I’m really touched everyone took the time out to respond, it’s really lifted my spirits. Sorry for the slow reply it’s been a full on day with toddlers. Lots of things to think about - I’ve maybe been overthinking it all due to manifesting again.

My children are at nursery, my eldest is very shy so at parties is just with me despite encouragement and also doesn’t really like me talking to anyone else she completely clams up and becomes anxious/ starts complaining so I haven’t really chatted much to Mums at these events or on route to nursery. I probably just need to push through my anxiety with it all and stick my neck on the line. I think since mid teens I’ve seen myself as boring due to behaviour of certain family members and this is holding me back from initiating more if I’m honest. I’ve always felt very disposable if that makes sense.

@RandomOrder that sounds really hard but great you have turned it into an opportunity. I’m in Scotland

I have to say I’m amazed that you’re in Scotland and nobody is starting conversations with you at kids’ events. I’m from there but live in London now and it always takes me a good few days when I visit to adjust to how chatty everyone is up there!

The friends I have made via nursery and school have been people I’ve chatted to when queuing outside for pickup, before we go in to collect the kids. Try turning up a bit early maybe?