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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Worried I will never find someone.

19 replies

milkyway512 · 05/07/2023 21:55

Hi all, I’m a 23 nearly 24 year old woman, and I know I may be young to start worrying about this but I’m extremely anxious about never finding a life partner. I’ve always wanted a partner or companion, they don’t have to be perfect but just to love me genuinely and be loyal. They don’t even have to stay forever, just for a while so I can experience a loving relationship once in my life.

many of my friends are in relationships and so many people I see are in relationships on social media. It makes me feel left out, like there’s something wrong with me. I can’t work out whether it’s my looks or whether it’s due to the fact I have very high functioning autism (ASD) and ocd. I have had my fair share of mental health issues, but I’ve heard so many stories of people with mental health problems finding partners. Most of my exes have found romantic partners or companions as well.

i’m 5’6.5 and a size 12. I was at one point 178 lbs because of the medications i was on, but I’m now 168 lbs. I don’t know whether it’s my weight or my looks. I don’t know how to gage my attractiveness at all. I look in the mirror and sometimes I think I’m so ugly and other times I think I’m pretty. It just depends but I don’t have all that much confidence and think there are much prettier women.

ive definitely dated but they’ve all been short term unfortunately, mostly by my choice but it was because I felt like all the partners weren’t a good fit for different reasons. I’ve had two more serious relationships that I feel could’ve gone on a bit longer had I have stayed, but I just struggled trusting them. I have a lot of trouble trusting men in general, though I do like them.

i have tried online dating but it didn’t really go anywhere recently. I met one of my more serious boyfriends on online but all the rest I didn’t really click with. One said they weren’t ready for a relationship, two or three ghosted me, and one just wanted to sext all the time.

i sometimes worry I don’t have a partner due to bad karma or god preventing me from having a partner. It’s more likely to be something I’m doing isn’t it though? I’ve been to university and am currently doing a masters - am hoping to be a teacher. I love writing, going on walks, going to museums, art, music, and seeing friends.

if there’s anyone who feels the same or has been in a similar situation I’d love to know and hear your stories :)

OP posts:
lolstevelol · 05/07/2023 21:57

What type of men do you got for physically ?

1stepforward2stepsback · 05/07/2023 21:59

You don’t need someone. Many relationships are massively overrated.

Enjoy being you and find things that make you happy. You will probably meet someone you think is wonderful, but it’s really not the end of the world if you don’t.

Original poster
milkyway512 · 05/07/2023 22:00

lolstevelol · 05/07/2023 21:57

What type of men do you got for physically ?

I tend to go for tall men with beards as that was what my ex looked like 😅 but I’m getting over him. I think part of me feels like that’s the type of guy that would go for me as he’s one of the few men that have pursued me. But I don’t think that’s a good reason to go for men with beards 😋

OP posts:
lolstevelol · 05/07/2023 22:03

@milkyway512 by tall men you are excluding at least 70% of the male population. That could be why you are single and cannot find someone.

Original poster
milkyway512 · 05/07/2023 22:06

It could be why, I did date a shorter man though but that was the guy that just wanted to sext. I found him attractive but it just wasn’t a match. I don’t mind short guys!

OP posts:
perfectcolourfound · 05/07/2023 22:12

You are right - you are young to be worried about this. I know that doesn't stop you worrying, and I know it's easy to say with hindsight, but believe me - you have most of your life ahead of you. Yes sometimes it feels like everyone else is coupled up but a) not every one (you tend to focus on all those who are when you're anxious about it) and b) those who are aren't necessarily happy and c) even those who are happy are likely to split at some point and probably be single for a while.

In my late twenties, me and most friends were seriously coupled. By mid thirties, fewer of us were. And we'd realised we'd rather be single than with a man just for the sake of it.

So yes, there's nothing wrong with liking the idea of being coupled up. But there is SO much more to life. And you are more likely to find someone who is right for you, when you've spent time exploring who YOU are; what you want; what your dealbreakers are. So live life. Enjoy friendhips, work, hobbies. You will enjoy yourself, find out new things about yourself, become more interesting to other people, meet new people. You increase your chance of meeting someone while decreasing your need to.

I was with the man I married when I was your age. I later regretted rushing in to coupledom and marriage (but forever grateful for my wonderful DCs). I remarried 20 years later to a wonderful man who I wouldn't have looked at twice in my twenties.

Original poster
milkyway512 · 05/07/2023 22:19

perfectcolourfound · 05/07/2023 22:12

You are right - you are young to be worried about this. I know that doesn't stop you worrying, and I know it's easy to say with hindsight, but believe me - you have most of your life ahead of you. Yes sometimes it feels like everyone else is coupled up but a) not every one (you tend to focus on all those who are when you're anxious about it) and b) those who are aren't necessarily happy and c) even those who are happy are likely to split at some point and probably be single for a while.

In my late twenties, me and most friends were seriously coupled. By mid thirties, fewer of us were. And we'd realised we'd rather be single than with a man just for the sake of it.

So yes, there's nothing wrong with liking the idea of being coupled up. But there is SO much more to life. And you are more likely to find someone who is right for you, when you've spent time exploring who YOU are; what you want; what your dealbreakers are. So live life. Enjoy friendhips, work, hobbies. You will enjoy yourself, find out new things about yourself, become more interesting to other people, meet new people. You increase your chance of meeting someone while decreasing your need to.

I was with the man I married when I was your age. I later regretted rushing in to coupledom and marriage (but forever grateful for my wonderful DCs). I remarried 20 years later to a wonderful man who I wouldn't have looked at twice in my twenties.

Thank you so much 😊😊

OP posts:
Sweetheartoftherodeo · 06/07/2023 06:55

@milkyway512 May I ask if you have ever felt an attraction to another woman?

Watchkeys · 06/07/2023 07:02

Quite a lot to consider in your OP...

You seem to think you need a relationship to be a whole or proper person. Where does that come from?

You seem to think that you yourself need to assess your attractiveness... why? It doesn't matter what you think.

Where does the bad karma come from? What have you done wrong to deserve it?

Anxiety... that comes from not having your own back. What was your relationship like with your parents as you grew up? What is there relationship like with each other? Is there lots of love and respect? Do feelings get heard and responded to?

Ws2210 · 06/07/2023 07:07

Sweetheartoftherodeo · 06/07/2023 06:55

@milkyway512 May I ask if you have ever felt an attraction to another woman?

Why on earth did you ask that? She clearly says she wants to meet a man

Blacmirror · 06/07/2023 07:07

I think you've narrowed your parameters for no real gain, ie men with beards because my ex had one are good, short men aren't good as I dated one who kept sexting. It's of course healthy and good to have 'criteria' that's important to you, but sounds like you're assuming people who look the same act the same when they don't. Also agree you are still young, perhaps take time to get confident in yourself and then widen your networks?

Aprilx · 06/07/2023 07:38

You sound perfectly normal to me, you are in your early twenties have been on plenty of dates and have had a couple of more serious relationships. I cannot see any reason to think that you won’t meet somebody else and have a loving relationship.

Treetops73 · 06/07/2023 07:55

@perfectcolourfound such a wise post.

Also OP, I think you have rose tinted glasses when it comes to relationships. A lot of people you see who are coupled up aren’t necessarily happy. In fact it’s likely that some are quite unhappy, but scared to leave because they are afraid to be alone, or other reasons. Being in a relationship doesn’t automatically equal being happy.

Being confident and comfortable on your own means you’ll make better decisions about future partners. People desperate to be in a relationship are more likely to accept poor behaviour from partners. So get to know yourself and be happy with your life, then you’ll be ready to find someone who will add to that.

Good luck. And enjoy the journey! xx

Otherlover · 06/07/2023 08:38

You're only 23.
Men with beard is ridiculous. Fair enough if you want a guy taller but if youre serious about finding a decent bloke, don't limit it to some ridiculous criteria like 'has to be over 6ft' nonsense.
Seek therapy as well.

Hibiscrubbed · 06/07/2023 10:48

Sweetheartoftherodeo · 06/07/2023 06:55

@milkyway512 May I ask if you have ever felt an attraction to another woman?

Why the fuck are you asking that?

Watchkeys · 06/07/2023 11:51

@Hibiscrubbed

Because she fucking wants to.

Why so angry?

Sweetheartoftherodeo · 06/07/2023 11:59

@Ws2210 and @Hibiscrubbed Over the last two years I have seen various threads and posts on MN about women developing feelings for women. Some described ‘crushes’ others admiring other women as they might a male. Others having female lovers.
More than one post referred to the general heterosexual conditioning or expectations that we receive in our upbringing.

I think my simple question was reasonable.

Hibiscrubbed · 06/07/2023 12:26

Sweetheartoftherodeo · 06/07/2023 11:59

@Ws2210 and @Hibiscrubbed Over the last two years I have seen various threads and posts on MN about women developing feelings for women. Some described ‘crushes’ others admiring other women as they might a male. Others having female lovers.
More than one post referred to the general heterosexual conditioning or expectations that we receive in our upbringing.

I think my simple question was reasonable.

@Watchkeys I’m still none-the-wiser as to the reasoning for the left-field and intrusive question ^

Whatafliberty · 21/09/2023 21:50

I am a 73 year old who used to be you. Boy was I desperate! All my girl friends were hooked up and I desperately wanted to create a family environment that was close and loving. It is only when you stop trying, start laughing and being prepared to be mates with the opposite sex that, in my experience, blokes started to flock in droves! Learn to love yourself before everyone else, but not in too selfish a way. You will find someone but set some life goals on the way...Michu pichu, parachute jump, art classes etc. Good luck, don't rush and be patient! Xx

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