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Relationships

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Original poster

Has anyone managed to be friends with both sides of a divorced couple?

20 replies

ThatFraggle · 05/07/2023 21:23

No cheating or physical violence, but the wife says that behind closed doors husband shouted a lot and was generally useless in terms of domestic load.

Have been friends with both for decades. Wife says that being friends with someone who has emotionally abused her feels like a betrayal.

Has anyone negotiated this?

OP posts:

GreyCarpet · 05/07/2023 21:28

People are friends with people they like and people they have things in common with. Good friends are hard to cone by. Him shouting behind closed doors and not pulling his weight with household chores won't have affected them.

I wouldn't expect someone to choose between me and my ex husband. And I didn't.

RachelTopliss · 05/07/2023 23:28

Yes one was my relative and the other my oldest school friend.

BlastedPimples · 06/07/2023 05:33

If someone has abused their partner then it's time to make a judgment.

Otherwise it means you're fine with abuse.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 06/07/2023 05:47

Only in a situation where they remained friends themselves.

When there’s anger then it never works as one party always feels betrayed or unable to remain friends with someone who is friend with their ex.

It’s not unreasonable for her to walk away from people supporting an abuser. Especially when it’s more likely she’d get sucked back in to a relationship woth them if they have flying monkeys or shared social occasions

BlastedPimples · 06/07/2023 07:10

Even if the ex couple remained friends and I knew one of them had abused the other, I wouldn't be friends with the abuser.

No way. It enables the abuser.

supercali77 · 06/07/2023 07:31

It ended in spectacular disaster when I tried it. There was a lot of bad feeling during the divorce and I ended up falling out with both of them as a result of trying to remain friends with both.

Smoothiecarton · 06/07/2023 07:33

Personally I felt if people had the information and decided to remain friends with my ex, it was because they thought I was a liar, or they thought his (appalling) ways were ok, or they thought I deserved it. None of which are qualities I’d want in a friend so it was choose him or me 🤷‍♀️ Many thought they could stay friends with both, I cut all those people lose for my sanity.
it’s a different scenario if neither party was abusive.

ThisWormHasTurned · 06/07/2023 07:42

My DP’s friends seem to have managed it. He and his ex are Godparents to their kids. His ex-wife knew (let’s call him) Steve first through family. Introduced Steve to DP. Then DP introduced Steve to his friend Harry, they fell in love and got married..they have stayed friends but see DP and his ex separately. (No abuse in DP’s marriage).

OP I think with your friends it depends on how much comes out later. If your friend gradually reveals that it wasn’t just shouting and there was abuse, you’d obviously need to reconsider friendship with him. My sister stayed friendly with my XH initially..the more that I was able to open up, the less she saw him.

BlastedPimples · 06/07/2023 07:45

Just shouting. 🙄

Fatat40 · 06/07/2023 09:36

supercali77 · 06/07/2023 07:31

It ended in spectacular disaster when I tried it. There was a lot of bad feeling during the divorce and I ended up falling out with both of them as a result of trying to remain friends with both.

Yep this. In my case their behaviour towards each other, at the expense of their children's welfare, wasn't something I could be a part of in the end. Very sad.

dartsofcupid · 06/07/2023 09:43

My DB and ex DSis. I loved her and felt terrible for her but she didn’t seem to be moving on and kept making nasty comments about him. Had to let it go in the end, didn’t feel it was doing her any favours being in touch with me either, sort of kept it alive in her head. We talk about once a year now but I still miss her, she was a great lassie. This sounds like the wife has a point to be fair, agree with PP that continuing a friendship with an abusive man sounds like you don’t entirely value or believe her (even if that’s not the case).

PrayerFactory · 06/07/2023 09:46

In one case, no, because the female half of the former couple thought DH and I had been complicit in the infidelity that ended the marriage (not true — we didn’t know till she told us, but she doesn’t believe it). In a more recent case, yes. In fact, slightly oddly, I’d been closer to the woman before the divorce, and since the marriage ended and she moved away, I’ve been far closer to the man, though I still see her. It may make a difference that the divorce was at her instigation, and there was no abuse or affair.

Gettingbysomehow · 06/07/2023 09:51

I'd be very wary about anyone who wanted to be friends with my ex, lazy selfish cocklodger. Fortunately all of my friends chose me because they had been on the other end of his shit and didn't want anything to do with him.

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 06/07/2023 09:53

Yes but caveat being it was an incredibly amicable divorce and they are still on good terms.

In your situation I can’t imagine the ex wife being thrilled that someone wanted to stay friends with their emotionally abusive ex

Mercymymercyme · 06/07/2023 09:57

Only in a situation where they remained friends themselves. When there’s anger then it never works as one party always feels betrayed or unable to remain friends with someone who is friend with their ex. It’s not unreasonable for her to walk away from people supporting an abuser

This.

In break ups people have tended to remain friends with the person they were friends with before they became a couple, in my experience.

Original poster

ThatFraggle · 06/07/2023 12:41

I've known them both for the same length of time.

OP posts:

mosiacmaker · 06/07/2023 12:46

I’m in a similar situation except it was my female friend of the couple who instigated the divorce as she had met someone else. Even though I’ve only ever known them as a couple, it feels more natural to be her friend after the divorce as we have more shared friends, she’s a woman etc. However me and my DP really miss the ex husband and vastly prefer him to this new bloke she has. So we are kind of sad, we don’t particularly want to be “couple friends” with her and new guy as he’s frankly CEO of red flag city. But will be weird to hang out with the exhusband without her and hard I think to keep both friendships going.

purplecorkheart · 06/07/2023 12:50

Yes I have. They both told me the reason for the break up (which was similar in both cases but not the same). It was a pretty nasty divorce but both appreciate that most of their friendships have not been impacted by the divorce. Admittedly there was no abuse involved. I am sure if there was I could not remain friends with the abuser.

Sunflowering · 06/07/2023 12:51

Yes. Cause was his philandering, pretty unimpressive, but he is one of my husband's oldest friends. Much prefer her but we are friends with both.

RandomOrder · 06/07/2023 17:29

I think it depends on lots of factors like who you were friends with first, who is the better friend etc. and of course how both the friends feel about it.

This is a subject I’ve had to think a lot about recently. I recently ended a 3 year relationship with my oldest and closest male friend and he immediately started spending all his time with my closest and longest standing female friend. They knew each other through me but never had an independent friendship. When my male friend fell out with me, I resented that she was allowing him a link to my life and jealous that he was receiving all her care and support.

When she admitted that she preferred his company over mine, I decided to withdraw from the drama triangle and stepped back from our friendship. I’m not sure I will ever speak to her again. If she’d shit stirred less and been more equitable with her time, I think I would have been ok with them remaining friends. It made me realise that she doesn’t really care about me anyway so probably wasn’t the friend I thought she was.

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