EX introducing daughter to new partner

Anonymous78910 · 2023-07-05T16:54:45+00:00

So, I just want honest opinions on this please. Me and my ex separated around 7 months ago, we both agreed that we would both have new partners at some point and that if our daughter was going to be introduced to someone then we would let each other know. There was only one person that i didn't want our daughter to be around, and that is his (now) partner. They were not together when we originally spoke about this. This was agreed by my ex on several occasions, over several months promising it wouldn't happen, saying that I have nothing to worry about and he would never do that. I know (I think) there is nothing I can do about this as we both have parental rights, but i think its extremely disrespectful to promise something time and time again and then go and do it anyway, and to only tell me weeks after they went on a weekend break to Wales altogether without me knowing. Would just like opinions please, i understand it's probably not what i want to hear, but the frustration is real! Thanks

Gerrataere · 05/07/2023 18:00

Two separate issues here. You can’t say no to someone your ex introduces to your child simply because you don’t like them - unless you genuinely think they’ll be a danger to your child.

However, I wouldn’t want a very new partner to meet my child, whether it’s the ex’s new girlfriend or my new OH. It has to be an established relationship that you honestly think is going to be around longterm. And I’d certainly not think it would be healthy for a child who’s only very recently seen their parents separate to be introduced to a new partner, it’s only been 7 months. How old is your daughter? If she’s of an age where she has known you together then I would be kindly (but firmly) asking that he held off until the relationship was more established, for your daughter sake. And don’t mention anyone else you’d not like your daughter around without good reason because it sounds like he’d make a deliberate point of having them all around.

ProfessorXtra · 05/07/2023 18:05

This is one of those situations where I get that you would like a heads up.

But also, you have no right to it. So try and let it go. Because there will always be things that you won’t like but can’t really do anything about.

And you can’t say ‘this person can never met our child’. You simply can’t enforce it. If the person is dangerous you would need to look at legal options to stop it.

If you feel comfortable sharing why is she the one person you don’t want round your child?

80s · 05/07/2023 18:06

i think its extremely disrespectful to promise something time and time again and then go and do it anyway, and to only tell me weeks after they went on a weekend break to Wales altogether without me knowing.

I'd call it "cowardly". Sounds like the type of man who "makes things easy" for himself by lying rather than simply informing you that he does not share your opinion.
Alas, there is nothing you can do to control your ex's behaviour, and if he's a dick, he's going to act like a dick. It's clearly not worth getting promises out of him if that's just going to make him do stuff behind your back. What a PITA though.

Original poster

Anonymous78910 · 05/07/2023 18:08

Hi,

Thanks for your reply. I understand i can't stop him from introducing her to anyone and vice versa as long as there is no threat to our child. It was more a point of him happily agreeing to it, and promising then hiding what was happening, but still doing it anyway. I guess it's just disrespectful to not be honest about the situation and thats extremely frustrating.
Our daughter is 2 years old (3 in September)
Thanks

OP posts:

Zanatdy · 05/07/2023 18:13

It’s not great, but nothing you can do about it. My ex is bringing a woman and her teenage son from overseas (he met her working overseas) to the U.K. and moving into the home my teenage kids spend half their week. They’ve met the boy a couple of times, the woman maybe once more. I’m disgusted he could move someone in when the kids barely know them, especially a boy around my very shy teenage daughter. It’s an important year for her, GCSE’s next year and I really don’t want any disruptions for her. Not much I can do, I voiced my concerns, we have a good co-parenting relationship but he isn’t going to change his mind and all I can do is hope he listens to any concerns I have, and puts any changes in place, or my DD ends up spending more time with me (fine by me). I personally would never dream of bringing someone my kids hadn’t met much to live with them and I’d always give him the heads up before the kids meet a new partner of mine. Despite him not telling me about her moving in, or the fact they got married (religious ceremony) with my DD in attendance which I was unaware of. I will still abide by the rules I think we should have both followed.

Gerrataere · 05/07/2023 18:15

Trust me when I say this, he is going to do many a thing going forward that’s simply going to piss you off. You have to take a deep breath and choose your battles. Don’t give an inch of anything that he thinks will wind you up. Keep any and all anger for anything that will directly affect your daughter.

adviceneeded1990 · 05/07/2023 18:17

What’s your reason for not wanting her to meet this one particular person? If you just don’t like her YABU. If she’s a registered sex offender you might get different advice! So I’d say your “why,” matters here.

adviceneeded1990 · 05/07/2023 18:18

Zanatdy · 05/07/2023 18:13

It’s not great, but nothing you can do about it. My ex is bringing a woman and her teenage son from overseas (he met her working overseas) to the U.K. and moving into the home my teenage kids spend half their week. They’ve met the boy a couple of times, the woman maybe once more. I’m disgusted he could move someone in when the kids barely know them, especially a boy around my very shy teenage daughter. It’s an important year for her, GCSE’s next year and I really don’t want any disruptions for her. Not much I can do, I voiced my concerns, we have a good co-parenting relationship but he isn’t going to change his mind and all I can do is hope he listens to any concerns I have, and puts any changes in place, or my DD ends up spending more time with me (fine by me). I personally would never dream of bringing someone my kids hadn’t met much to live with them and I’d always give him the heads up before the kids meet a new partner of mine. Despite him not telling me about her moving in, or the fact they got married (religious ceremony) with my DD in attendance which I was unaware of. I will still abide by the rules I think we should have both followed.

Wow! Your poor kids that’s crazy! And that’s coming from someone who met my DSD “early” in MN terms!

Jongleterre · 05/07/2023 18:24

My advice is that not matter what your personal feelings are, keep them to yourself and welcome the new partner and get off off in a good foot.

This is the woman that may be alone with your child at times and could be helping your ex raise her whilst she is with her father.

Good relations are better than having someone who might resent your child because of animosity between you and your ex and her.

You don't have to be best friends but you don't want to make an enemy of her or your ex over something petty such as a verbal agreement you had before either of you had met someone.

Zanatdy · 05/07/2023 18:34

adviceneeded1990 · 05/07/2023 18:18

Wow! Your poor kids that’s crazy! And that’s coming from someone who met my DSD “early” in MN terms!

Show quote history

I know. They are 15 & 18 but still. It’s essentially two strangers now living in their home from next week when they arrive. My daughter is very shy, she’s always in her PJ’s and she’s bound to feel uncomfortable with this boy. My ex wouldn’t listen to my concerns. Well he did, but said he didn’t have much other option given they have to move here for the relationship to work. My suggestion of him paying for them to rent somewhere whilst they all get to know each other on slower terms was ignored. I’m dreading the next few months as the kids adjust. My daughter really, my 18yr old is essentially living with me anyway right now as easier for his job

Holshicup · 05/07/2023 18:41

Don't want to go down the my ex is worse than yours route, but mine has informed my children of his new 'lady' friend by letting them see naked pictures of her on his phone.

yipeeyiyay · 05/07/2023 18:53

I'm a little confused. He wasn't with this person when you had the conversation. So why did you not want this person to meet your dc? Who was this person in your life at the time of the conversation?

teadi · 05/07/2023 19:06

Why is she the one person you were worried about him introducing to her? At first I assumed she was the OW but it sounds like they got together after you split?

Moving12 · 02/08/2023 12:26

There was only one person that i didn't want our daughter to be around, and that is his (now) partner. They were not together when we originally spoke about this.

So you knew his partner from before they got together? Did your daughter meet her / know her from before too?

Just thinking he might not have given you a heads up if your daughter had already met her as in his head, she’s not a brand new person if you see what I mean?

warblingwater · 02/08/2023 12:47

Holshicup · 05/07/2023 18:41

Don't want to go down the my ex is worse than yours route, but mine has informed my children of his new 'lady' friend by letting them see naked pictures of her on his phone.

If it sounds like child abuse and walks like child abuse....

CornishGem1975 · 02/08/2023 13:26

Oh don't be ridiculous.

Bouledeneige · 02/08/2023 13:38

You don't get to make your XH promise not to introduce someone to your DC. Why would you demand it over and over?

When you split you don't get to demand terms. Of course it's not advisable to introduce a new partner to your kids too soon - and it's polite to let your ex partner know before doing so. But that often doesn't happen. I asked my XH to let me know beforehand and it didn't happen but I had to let it go - it's negative energy that focuses your mind on the wrong bitter things. Focus instead on your DCs happiness and your future.

Move on and stop trying to control him. There are going to be more important issues to address in future.

Cosmosforbreakfast · 02/08/2023 16:12

So you didn't really have a problem with your ex introducing a new gf, just as long as it wasn't this one particular woman you don't want your daughter around? Why don't you want your daughter around her, are there safety concerns? Did you think he was having an affair with her or was interested in her and that led to your split? It seems odd the one woman you didn't want around your daughter is now his gf after all his promises that it was never going to happen.

While you can't dictate about introducing new bf/gf it would be good as co parents to be on the same page when it comes to it. It's just consideration really to let the other parent know there'll be an introduction. It can be a confusing time for children and them being prepared is the priority not who can dictate or not.