Lonely husband

[stayflufft]

Wonder if anyone has any words of advice, suggestions or otherwise as to how I can support my husband.

For context we are in our early 40s with DC / one in nursery and the other in primary school. We are both only children but have support from my parents occasionally. We have moved around over the years pre-kids and are now settled in a city that we are both very familiar with from our lives pre-marriage. We are happy we came home. DH works full-time at home and I work several days a week and look after my DS the other two weekdays. At weekends we do family stuff.

Parenthood and Covid rocked us a lot in terms of shifts in identity, not being able to do as much due to having small dc etc. I feel recently that I am coming out of a bit of a motherhood fog. I look a bit more like I used to and am feeling happier in myself. I’m also on anti-anxiety medication as I was struggling with anxiety and this has made a real positive change to my life and well-being.

DH on the other hand is struggling. He says he is lonely and despite encouraging him to pick back up with old friends, he seems reluctant to do this. He is also reluctant to make new ones as he says he doesn’t know what he is even interested in doing anymore. It’s very ‘all work and no play’ despite my encouragement. There is no issue over him going out in the evenings or doing something for himself at the weekend - I would be happy for him to do something. He doesn’t even want to pick back up with an old hobby (which he claims I made him give up - I didn’t). I think he is depressed but won’t consider medication. He has been to a counselling session which he found helpful but times are tight and £50 a session isn’t feasible at the moment.

How can I help him? He also seems resentful
of the fact I keep in touch with old friends online and occasionally see one or two in person for a cinema trip or coffee (think once a month). Is he being unreasonable? Am I not doing enough? Thought welcome!

Get him to look into joining the Masons.

I’ve seen all sorts come and join in. Not saying they are desperate for members, but going through the Ugle website he will find somewhere local or convenient.

https://www.ugle.org.uk/become-freemason/how-to-join-freemasonry

Theres lots of lodges, some are fully of stuffy old men if he’s into that, others are young and come from a range of backgrounds. The better lodges have a mix of all types. We’re used to the quiet types, and we’re all used to going up to the new applicant and introducing ourselves. Usually meet once a week just to have a catch up and natter, and some great friendships get formed. If he’s into Golf, or wants to be, or some of the other old sports (shooting, cricket, beer tasting) he’ll be in good company.

don’t believe the rubbish you see on tv or movies. I’ve yet to see any goats or human sacrifices. There’s no real secrets everything’s available on the internet - but I’d advise him not to look up the secrets as they do make up a little bit of learning and a journey through his first year which is more enjoyable when you don’t know it.

I worked worked worked for most of my life, left my country of origin and lost touch with friends from my twenties. I’d be lonely too if it wasn’t for lodge mates.

Our values are Family and Work then lodge and because of our charitable Endeavours, we’re usually the first plane out of the uk to any worldwide disaster.

The biggest support though, is that of mental health. I love my family, the kids have put me through the mill a few times and my partner is amazing. But having something like lodge, where I’m the connection when family bbqs etc are arranged, and having a group of guys genuinely interested in my well being, is such a support for that I’ve never had from work or outside my family.

Happy to share more info if you’d like, or if he fancies a chat on the phone to learn a bit more I’d be happy to help. But I’d go via the Ugle website to find his regional organisation and they will make sure he gets put in touch with a good lodge that suits him, and who are used to dealing with applicants.

If he found the counselling session helpful but can't afford them on a regular basis, maybe some good self-help books would be useful.

For me, the best anti-depression/anhedonia (lack of pleasure in life) self-help book is an old classic called Feel the Fear by Susan Jeffries. It might be a bit out of date now but it is a very sound book on how to improve your life.

There are also life-challenge programmes you can sign up for online. I once did one called the 100 Day Challenge run by a very macho but wise American man called Gary Ryan Blair. Not for everyone, but he really does teach you lots of tricks and give you great exercises for overhauling your life.