To just wait it out?

[Plunko]

Has anyone just waited until their children are older until they've separated from their partner?

We've been married 15 years and have 2 children under 10. Mortgage in shared home.

I'm unhappy and think diagnosed mental health problems stem mainly from my marriage/relationship. I don't have any of my own savings but would have money if the house was sold.

I don't live near family (2 hrs drive). I just don't think I could afford to live as a single parent but most importantly I just don't want to affect the children with a split. My parents divorced when I was 4.

My OH and I don't really argue as such, especially in front of the kids but I can tell my daughter (10) picks up on things.

OH can be quite controlling but I'm made to feel I'm making it up if we have a disagreement on something....for example he said he's been using savings to pay some bills in recent months but didn't tell me (when I said he should have told me he said if it was the other way around he would have noticed so I should have too.....he pays bills and I pay for everything else...food/clothes/petrol/house maintenance etc etc).

The thought of leaving gives me a massive sense of relief but I just don't think I could do it to the children.

I'm so stuck.

To add....when we've discussed separately in the past he says I couldn't afford it and he won't leave the children. He adores them, he really does.

Do you have access to all family finances. ? When he said 'if you had done that - I would have noticed so why didnt you ? - is that a true statement or does he control all money so you are not aware of when savings are used ?

The money was gifted by his dad and are in a bank account I don't have access to, so not savings aa such but we share all finances. Everything has previously been in accounts we can both access, there's no way I could have seen the balance of that money decrease. Apart from seeing money going into the direct debit account, maybe I should have noticed that but I don't look at that as, historically , it's all been OK.

I'm currently self employed but going back to a 'normal' job in September that pays monthly. The business has been doing well but he claims to be supportive but complains when I have to do admin on the evening etc. I can only work 21hrs a weeks because helps jobs means he has to finish at 5 (WFH) so I have to collect our son.....this has had a massive affect on my business as I can't keep up.

The more I think about it the more I understand how unhappy I am.....waffling on!

*his job means

This seems a bit unreasonable on your part if he is using the money to pay bills - it’s not being used for gambling or drinking.
The cost of living is through the roof at the moment.
However, these situations would be best discussed in a relationship.
Do you inform him about every penny you spend?

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

You only need to give your own self permission to leave. Its not down to him to decide that you could not afford it either; he is not your jailer and what planet is he on exactly?.

You cannot and should not use the children as a reason to stay with him. How much older would they have to be then?. 18 for instance?. Doing that may make the kids feel guilty that their parents sacrificed their own happiness for them. It also teaches your children that your relationship was based on a lie. Staying also gives him more years in which to further abuse you and in turn your kids who will pick up on the vibes here, both spoken and unspoken. By the time they are 18 you really will be a shell of your former self and feeling totally unable to leave.

He's already hiding money away from you; he does not want to ever share what he regards as "his" money.

As for the whole staying for the sake of the children, well whose sake are you staying for really?. Theirs or more likely your own because it is somehow "easier". We owe our children the truth.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents. As our children grow older, they tend to replicate relationships similar to what their parents modeled. As parents we’d never say we want our children to suffer or struggle in their relationships. Yet that’s the greater likelihood. It’s not what we say, but what we do that matters.

Telling our children they deserve healthy, respectful, and loving partnerships isn’t taken to heart if we don’t have the courage to live up to our own words. What we model for them is very much what we might expect for them in their future relationships.

Would you want your children to be in a marriage like this, no you would not and you would want better for them. You should accept better for your own self too. He is not good enough for you and your children and he only loves his own self. He certainly does not adore his children because if he did you would not be abused by him.

I also think he will now attempt to further sabotage your going back to work in September; he's already moaning about this.

I was going to wait it out until my children got older. But I was forced to end it due to his treatment of me our children and multiple infidelities that was 9 months ago my anxiety had been very bad for the last 5/6 years due to his behaviour and I was on medication. I’m on none now, I truly believe now that if I hadn’t of uncovered everything I did and we were still together my mental health would have continued to deteriorate and I would of ended up in a very bad place. Just think about that and the impact on your children in the coming years.

I stuck around thinking it wasn't that bad and might improve when X, Y and Z happened, but when they did happen things did not improve massively, and then he had an affair and treated us q. poorly, so it ended anyway, just more chaotically.
When I tried to go back to my normal job, he did exactly as Attila said - refused to take time off when children were ill, did not turn up when I had to leave for work.
"He won't leave the children" - well, if he did have them 50-50 that would make the situation fairer.