I have a very bad relationship with my mother...although I'm not sure if she's aware of this as I haven't really been able to voice my opinions. Our relationship was always strained however I used to think it was my fault / I was a 'horrible teenager' as I was told by her. When I had my own children (now 2 and 4) I realised actually she was a terrible mother as I wouldn't dream of treating my own children like she did. A few examples to give you an idea include:
-Having sex while I was sleeping in the same bed (aged 8). Getting angry with me when I stormed out the room and again when I confronted her the next day
-Daily emotional manipulation...she would give me silent treatment sometimes for the whole day and night even if I apologised (I can remember this as young as 6)
-Really nasty verbally if I had misbehaved as a child, calling me spoiled, selfish, bitch, telling me everyone thought I was horrible etc or guilt tripping by saying I was making her feel depressed etc
-Not letting me have relationships with people once she fell out with them (my step father who I thought was my real dad till aged 7, my uncle/her brother suddenly couldn't see them and was told I was ungrateful if I asked why/wasnt she good enough)
Looks bad when I write about it now...but because of the effect on my self esteem I always thought it was my fault and developed quite a co-dependent relationship / feeling like I always needed her to make a decision. I came to work for her company after uni as a temporary thing and never left. Because of the nature of the job I fortunately never work 'with' her / in same room but there's still obviously the element of control because she's the boss. Previous personal arguments have resulted in threats to sack me etc.
If I didn't have my two children I would leave the job...and I've wrestled with it a lot. But I feel I would be leaving the job to prove a point and then my family would be worse off financially. The job is very well paid and also offers me a lot of flexibility to look after the kids...(I can work comfortably on 4 days a week and work at the hours I choose). However....because of this arrangement I can't end contact with my mother like I would like or tell her how I really feel about her parenting which means I have to put on an act pretty much every day and try my best to be nice to her which doesn't always work. I'm very passive aggressive towards her and not very nice to her really / even when she's done nothing wrong because of all this anger.
Now she has said that she wants to pay private school fees for my son and daughter. My first reaction is 'no fucking way' as then it's another layer of control and a tool to manipulate. However then I think...but then I'd be depriving them of that opportunity based on my personal feelings / she would probably also tell them I said no and they missed out when they're older. Also (more bitterly) I think - let her pay for things if she wants, I'll just consider it tax for a shit childhood experience.
Sorry very long rant....what I want to do is never speak to her again and don't really want her anywhere near my children to be honest. Although she has mellowed considerably and never treated them like that / she's very nice to them....I still physically can't stand to be around her and feel totally trapped financially / unable to get much distance from her. I honestly wouldn't care / would be relieved if she died, that's how bad the relationship has gotten and the only way I see out.
Any advice or similar situations would be great to hear.