I have an adult (40 year old) brother who has been diagnosed with “high functioning “ autism. I don’t in any way mean to minimise his needs, just to describe things as I have experienced them. He is a highly intelligent, capable and funny person with lots of specialist interests. He attended a mainstream school and although he struggled socially as a teenager, he achieved incredibly highly and was a well-liked member of the community. He once played a large part in a school drama performance, took part in sports and had dreams of becoming a radio broadcaster. He had many attributes and motivations and my dad ensured he actively contributed to household chores and family relationships. However we have never had a good relationship and since my dad passed away suddenly it’s seriously deteriorated.
My brother has never left home. When he finished school at 18, he’s had one job which my dad secured for him through a support programme. But one day he refused to go and began to get into a really dysfunctional patterns that have lasted decades. He generally gets up in the evening, expects his dinner to be made and gets upset with my mother if it isn’t. He spend his days watching tv, buying items on internet for his specialist interests and then returning to bed. He doesn’t contribute to family life, do any housework, come out of his room when family visit and has never bought me a birthday card or even called me to say congratulations when I had my children.
He lives at home with my mum who is in her late 60s and for the last 15 years my mother has done absolutely everything for him. She cooks, cleans, washes his clothes, signs on to his benefits for him, organises doctor’s appointments and generally parents him as if he is still much younger. Throughout my childhood if there was something he didn’t want to do, he would retreat to his room threatening to hurt himself (which he never actually did). This pattern of behaviour ruined countless family events and meant that for a large part of my adult life, I never got to have a relationship with my parents as they were always having to deal with my brother. They wouldn’t leave him overnight to visit me, or even be on the phone to me for long periods of time because he would get upset and demand they got off. It was incredibly painful and I spent a long time struggling with my own self worth as an adult, I believe as a result of growing up in this environment. I didn’t feel my parents managed the situation well and often pandered to my brother’s needs by doing things that he was capable of doing for himself. I felt that this was often to the exclusion of mine and my other brother’s needs (my younger brother also has severe mental health issues and has been institutionalised most of his adult life). I have since had some excellent therapy and drawn a line under this for the sake of my relationship with my mum.
Over the last year I moved closer to my mum as her health isn’t great and I wanted to help. She also wanted to spend more time with my children. I had several conversations with her voicing my worries about the future and how things will be managed for my brother when she isn’t able to continue. I’m concerned that he has zero income, independence or motivation for things to change. I also spoke to my brother about taking a bit more responsibility for helping my mum with the housework as she is now struggling doing all of this on her own. He initially agreed he wanted to help out more but since this he has completely retreated. He now stays in his bedroom until midnight every day, doesn’t leave the house, refuses to come out of his room if me, my partner or our kids visit and will actively leave every room I enter. He even ignores my young children when they speak to him which I find incredibly painful. I have spoken to my mother about how much this behaviour upsets me but she told me ‘what did you expect, when you talk to him about the future? You make him anxious’ and she blames me for ‘expecting too much from him’ and ‘not understanding his autism.’ She justifies his behaviour as self protective. Basically, he needs to protect himself from me. And she denies that he is acting in any way badly towards me.
I feel completely at a loss on how to resolve this situation. I feel like I am being made to feel responsible for my brother’s behaviour even though this has been going on for years. I am hurt but also so frustrated with my mother. I feel really angry as I suspect that my mother assumes I am going to step into her shoes and provide him with care after she’s not here anymore (I am not). I feel like I am at a point where I might lose my relationship with my mother over this as I feel that the house is an uncomfortable one to be in now. AIBU to feel upset about how my brother is acting towards me? Thank you if you managed to get this far.