Should I leave my partner if there's no sexual attraction?

[AlexMadeup]

Apologies, first off, as I am a male poster but I find I want the opinions of mothers before I may become a father.

My wife and I have been together for 7 years, married for 5. I am a 36 year old male, working in a very dull financial crime job in a bank and she is 30, a secondary school teacher and very happy at her job. No children but I can honestly say I want them – I think life would be somewhat empty and pointless if you don’t pass along the torch.

I love my wife, I care for my wife. If a nuclear bomb hit our city whilst I was working on one side of it, and she the other, she is the only person I would push through the rubble to save. I try to do right by my relations but she’d deserve it more than them.
My wife is a lovely person. She’s a rare coin in this world. I hold the honest opinion that most “niceness” is actually just dressed up reciprocity and that humans are selectively evolved to be a disingenuous and self-interested lot. I try hard to do the right thing as and when I know the right thing but to put her goodness into context, she: A) Used to divvy up the tips she made as a barmaid to share among local homeless men B) If your kid has got a problem at school, she goes the distance for them. She’d always stand up for a bullied kid, helps disabled kids get the resources they need and, in short, does anything that anyone could ever hope their child’s teacher would do in all the terrible things that might befall a child out of their parent’s eye in the first big challenges in life. I just need to say the above. I want to be honest.

But the problem (for me, her, us?) is that I’m simply not attracted to her. Facially I just don’t find her attractive, and sort of never did. It’s only gotten worse over time, but around about September of 2022 when I was reconnecting with an estranged brother and helping him untangle his life I looked at her and realized I had little to no sexual desire for her whatsoever. I also thought about having kids with her and frankly, her siblings life outcomes are not encouraging. They have a lot of neuroticism, snarkiness, idleness and violence in them and no intelligence to boot and I thought “would our kids most likely just be unattractive, idle, neurotic, introverted, niche media inhaling machines? How are you supposed to get on in the world without something going for you? If you’re going to be dumb and ugly, you better be tough, or if you’re weak and ugly you better be smart etc”

I plunged into severe depression due in large part to the above because while that’s how I felt I just could not bear the idea of telling her any of that or telling her I wanted to leave (I’m not even sure now that I do). Money isn’t the issue, nor do we have children yet, but she really, really, loves me. She shows it all the time, hanging on my arm leaning in to kiss my cheek, and telling me that every day. When I see a photo of her as a smiling child, knowing she had a hard upbringing from a poor background, and got to her dream job and happy life (she tells me she’s never been happier) my hear t breaks for her. When she’s told me how a girl once spat on her at school I am violently moved by it, or how a bee stung her lip when she was five I feel and outpouring of love for that five year old. When I think about hurting her, by leaving, how little she deserves it, I could, and have, cried – and I haven’t done that since I was maybe 10. I want her to have what she wants.

I went on through the depression (interesting to note when people say “everything tastes like ashes” it's a real thing – food literally starts to taste like wood ash) managing to do what one has to do (i.e. work, eat, sleep) until eventually she knew something was wrong. I tried to fake out but she insisted we talk and, in the end, I had to tell her that I just generally didn’t find her attractive, and was worried about what any child of ours would inherit. She wasn’t happy to hear and I wasn’t happy to say it, but she said she was glad I was telling her.

I told her I didn’t know if the reason I felt like that was maybe some biological trigger (the seven year itch probably having evolutionary origins), or that I was bored out my skull by my job, or was losing interest in all the things I’d used to be interested, or friends had drifted away. I wasn’t entirely honest in telling her that really it all started when I realized I wasn’t attracted to her – but I certainly think it’s possible that those things are a part of it. I couldn’t bring myself to say “I’m not attracted to your face”. or "I married you mainly because of how sweet you were, and how much you wanted it and deserved to get what you want".
Where we are now is that we agreed to keep going along as we are to see if maybe changing up to a more interesting job, a change of interest and hobbies, being a bit more social, living healthier lives etc can solve the issues – bring a spark back or whatever, change my mind.

Whenever we’ve had sex she’s always orgasmed very easily, multiple times. Most of the time I didn’t and I told her “I just like edging” or similar. The very few times we’ve had sex in the past year or so I’ve rarely been able to finish and (I’m ashamed) mainly by thinking about someone else or imagining something that’s a particular turn on. She still can finish, but she’s now told me that the last couple of times she took a drive and cried in her car about what it means that I either don’t finish or wont finish inside her. I just tend to avoid sex now, but she seems almost as satisfied with being held and stroked (she's always been a hugger, even to her friends)

I want the opinions of women on this subject, particularly women who have had families (hence mumsnet).

Am I being a total fucking dickhead here by even thinking about leaving? I have a home, a partner with a a matched income, who would, without a shadow of a doubt, be a good mother whatever genes the kid would inherit. She’d never neglect them, never. She loves me and is attracted to me. Surely the thing to do is to stay and get over not being attracted to her? I can take something chemical or do some mental trickery required to do the deed, we can presumably move past the awkward confession and be happy(she’s much relieved since I said I wanted to try changing my life up in every way that viable, and that it might help me get over it. It has a little bit)

Is it my mind that needs changing here, and can we move past the situation do you all think? Is this normal?

I assume it is pretty normal for a lot of women, and my whining is only what a lot of women have put up with throughout history, because women do not need to become physically aroused to produce children. I’m reminded of a line from “bring up the bodies” by Hillary Mantel as Thomas Cromwell (councillor to the king) is interrogating Thomas Wyatt (anne boleyn’s former love) in the Tower about her alleged infidelity

‘ It’s more than any physical act He [the king] thinks Anne never esteemed his attention. Never loved him from the start in any real way, and when they went to bed, thought of others ‘

‘God save us, is this now a crime? Half married England would be in jail”.

I suppose what I’m looking for is assurance that it’s the love that counts – to look at someone and want what’s best for them, to admire their character and to have the benefit of their honest effort at life to complement your own, and to raise the children. Presumably, the sex just doesn’t matter at some point, and the greater half of life becomes your kids, and what you can do for them. What is Mumsnet’s opinion?

So basically:

You don't fancy her enough to want children with her.
You think she's too plain / not pretty enough.
You can't even have sex with her properly!

Do both of you a favour and leave while she's still young enough to find someone else.. future faking is so unfair.
It's cruel to keep her hanging on in this sham marriage in the hope you may give her children.

Honestly can't believe what I've just read. Your wife sounds like an absolute gem. She deserves so much better. You come across as arrogant and extremely judgmental. Leave her to find someone she deserves who will treat her how she deserves to be treated. You're doing her a disservice staying with her. It's pitiful. If she knew the truth she'd be mortified. She's not a cute puppy you can take pity on and allow home. Leave her while she is young enough to find someone special and have the family she wants. You're wasting HER time. I don't think you should be in any relationship until you seek therapy, let alone have any children with anyone.

Sincerely, a Psychotherapist.

Also, she's definitely not having multiple orgasms.. all the women here will probably unite on this one.. she's probably doing it to make you feel good considering what a nice and considerate woman she appears to be..

If you talk like this in real life I am surprised she hasn't left you.

Can I just address this whole thing about genetically inferior offspring: I’m reasonably attractive and had two daughters with an objectively ugly man. Think Quasimodo crossed with Shrek. (Side note, I was somehow still sexually attracted to him. Now he makes me want to vomit as he has a personality to match his aesthetic.) He was also dumb as shit. Our girls both look more like me, have lovely teeth (his were terrible) and are very academic and talented. But even if they weren’t, I would have loved them and appreciated them the same. Your children will disappoint you at times but make you swell with pride at others. You don’t have any control over how your child will turn out as they will be distinct and separate people from their parents. If this is your thinking/priority when it comes to fatherhood, then I would more fully examine your reasons for wanting children before you have them. Carrying the torch is not a good reason.

But to your point: you should not continue a relationship with someone you aren’t attracted to. It will only ever really be a friendship. I’m not long out of a relationship with a long standing friend who’s always had a thing for me. So much of your rationalisation resonated. I also felt like I owed him a relationship for being so lovely and kind to me and I wanted to make him happy and give him what he wanted. I felt guilty for not being attracted to him. In the end I was miserable and ended things. I was so relieved to be out of the situation once I’d pulled the trigger following years of prevaricating.

If you handle this well, with kindness, then you have a chance potentially of remaining friends when the dust has settled which sounds a more suitable relationship for you both given your feelings. But you must do the right thing so you can both experience a full relationship and not this forced one.

I often think when reading mumsnet posts "I hope the other person isn't reading this" but for once, I sort of hope she does. Do the decent thing and leave, but do it well and be firm, if you love and respect her enough, you will be kind and fair. There is probably someone out there for both of you, just not each other. The ultimate cruelty is carrying on with this sham. Only surpassed if you bring a child into it.

I won't reply with direct quotes from various people in here because I don't want to post a needlessly long reply that people would tire off, like the original post, but this has to be of a certain length do the replies justice.

There seem to be quite a lot of posters who are assuming this was a troll post or something, especially as regards the bit that implied I sexually satisfy my wife. I can't prove it or disprove it, but if you don't want to believe a single word of it there's nothing I can do. Perhaps the disbelief is because I said I eventually told her I wasn't attracted to her and you assume that means "all sex since then". Obviously not - since then the sex is very infrequent and for understandable reasons. I was mentioning it because its a crux of the problem and partly the crux of the guilt - I know she is/was/could be happy and I want that for her. I can't help thinking this is a little bit of angry projection quite frankly because, if I were to reverse the genders here, and search
"I love my husband but I was hardly ever sexually attracted to him, and now not at all"
I can easily find dozens of posts like this in the forum without "I doubt you're making him orgasm :/". I know, because I've looked, because I've been "distraught" about this for some time, and in the end decided to make my own post. I was looking for advice and I do not understand what is so inherently unbelieveable about the situation other than the fact that I am male and she is female. I give the above as much space as I do because it's been so common.
Some people seem bent out of shape about the hillary mantel quote. I just thought it summed the situation.
Some of the criticism verges on rediculous, frankly "If you talk like this in real life I am surprised she hasn't left you." What, like I'm trying to write a thoughtful forum post to a completely unfamiliar group of people about something that hurts badly, looking for some advice about whether to sunder my life and someone elses to pieces, inflicting severe pain? No I don't actually.

Some of the criticism was worthwhile though - the person who pointed out I have family estrangement myself made me think. There's problems on my side of the family with spite and pride literally driving periods of 5 years of no contact between siblings, screaming matches and one fist fight that I have to/ have patched up - but they all succeeded academically, they ground into the world with sheer will and wrang sucess from poverty, and didn't sit in their bedrooms at 39 being edgy on twitter. But I take the point - No one is perfect (I'm certainly not). No family is perfect and certainly not mine Perhaps they (siblings in law) could have done better if they had a bit more encouragement and weren't allowed to shy away from the world. I appreicate that and will think more on it. They are pretty witty for one thing. It's something I need to consider more.

There have been replies that took me seriously, and I appreciate all of them even if I find the advice sad, even if they were short. Quite a lot of them say that if I really care about her I should just go, rather than recommit. And I don't really get that - see below

---Other bits

Why did I do it - becaue I THOUGHT thats what you were supposed to do, you were supposed to love someone for what they are on the inside (and I do. I can't say it any other way, I care deeply. Her happyness and sucess matter to me). Is that really so unbelievable? Do you suppose that all men only love people they are largely sexually attracted to (we do not love our mothers or daughters for instance), or would you immediately divorce your spouse if you found them unattractive? Is that the advice you would give to me if I was female?
I don't know, am I being naive here or something? Would the women here be fine with their husband just leaving if he wasn't sexually attracted to them, even if they were very happy
Because what a lot of you are saying is basically they kind of things men rant about on male orientated forums viz' "if she's not sexually attracted to you, she'll divorce and steal all your DVDs bluh de bluh bluh". Now either a lot of you are implying that, or I've got the wrong end of the stick and all those posters just think that's inevitably what I will do because I'm male. I'm sorry if I've got the wrong end of the stick. Maybe you think he will do it because he's talking about it here so there you go. I hope its the last one and you may have a point, but I'm still asking anyway.
All I can say is that I came here honestly looking for some sage advice: I expected some to say they could never get over not being attracted to someone, and I expected other people to tell me that by the time you're both 60+ you're living for your kids, some to tell me it works without attraction and others to counter it. Surely sex eventually wanders off the table, but love and family go on.
I find some of the "how dare you mention genetic predisposition of siblings" hard to believe. So you would all have married your husbands if all 3 of his siblings were e.g. still living at home at 35+?. "RandomOrder" above, I really appreciate your comments, as I do all the people who took me seriously, but when you say you would have "loved your kids anyway" even if they didn't inherit a bunch of advtanges from you. Is that really the case if they had both been male and inherited your ex's personality as well - the one you now find repulsive? As personality has strong genetic roots, I believe. I doubt it as some people have doubted the sexual stuff above, so I should probably extend the same courtesty to you I'd want and say alright I believe you, but you might be unusual in that respect. I hope you're not, and I admire your nature if that is so.

Perhaps I'm just being being too angrily defensive, and my original post came across as "bruh, I make my wife cum so many time shes coool though and I dont want to hurt her whn i ditch so just ghost or something idk bruh fam cap" or something, but that really isn't my intention. I really am just asking the same thing being asked here https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/1638739-Love-but-not-attracted-to-my-husband-How-did-your-stories-end. I'm not making some vacciliating self justification for leaving anyway (why the hell would I, to all of you, no offense) I'm not here to humblebrag, sneer, get a pat on the back or anything else

---

What I wanted to know was can sexual attraction come, or grow or does it matter LESS than love, do people, for instance, have children with people they're not attracted to, and nevertheless live happily because it's the children that count? That's what I really wanted to know.

Again, apologies if this has been execessively angrily defensive, but I feel a lot of the replies are either of the
A) "DUH, you're not supposed to ever marry with someone you're not contantly drooling over" variety, which frankly is just depressing if these are genuine, either because of what they say about the poster and life generally (you better be attractive, AND nice. Because nice alone doesn't cut it...ever - and my wife is better than nice) or the assumption about me/men (which may or may not be true, but is dire either way)
B) "I don't believe you" variety - which requires the tedious above explanation. Maybe I phrased it unbelievably or something.

Of the worthwhile replies, and thank you for them, there seem to be numerous replies saying that can be summarized as "leave, because it's not a relationship if you're not attracted to them".

Contrary to what some may think...I'm not enthused by that. It doesn't give me a little "out" that some may think I want (maybe I'm projecting here now)

Just hurts to be honest. A large part of me wishes the concensus had been the other way around. If the majority were saying platonic love wins because the love lasts, or this is normal enough I feel like I could shake myself mentally, tell myself to stop being a dickhead, and that the feeling of loss of that side of life (Because I strongly oppose having some sort of "fwb" or "side" or something during a marraige). I remember a line from Peep Show of a guy talking about relationships "You need the love...because the physical stuff inevtiably goes".

I don't know if there's just survivorship bias operating in the thread, that maybe people who are sexually attracted to their partners and generally have everything going right in the marraige have the time to spend more time on mumsnet etc for whatever, so the attitude of "Of course you end it" is over represented relative to the average of marraiges for whatever reason. I sort of hope it is, so the above may be wishful thinking, and posters like RandomOrder seem to indicate that at least a few are reading it who have been in similar situations, which partially squashes that cope.

A post from sjpkgp1 reads
"I often think when reading mumsnet posts "I hope the other person isn't reading this" but for once, I sort of hope she does. Do the decent thing and leave, but do it well and be firm, if you love and respect her enough, you will be kind and fair. There is probably someone out there for both of you, just not each other. The ultimate cruelty is carrying on with this sham. Only surpassed if you bring a child into it."

I'm not being funny but this does confuse me. How is it loving and respecting someone to leave them when physical attraction goes. If I'd always been very attracted to my wife, and she was horribly burnt in a car accident would I be "loving and respecting her" by leaving her? Or a woman love and respect a man by doing the same? People DO do this, but we generally deplore it. I get what you're saying if you thought I was inevitably leaving anyway and any waiting is just adding pain. Apologies if that's what you meant, but you must all take me at my word that I honestly don't know what to do, or else just leave a "I dont believe you" comment. Perhaps, again, I'm missing what people are saying and they mean "You WILL inevitably leave, so do it now". If so I wish they were clearer. It's ambiguous over the question as it leaves out definitely staying and the other person either accepting the difference, or (see below) not knowing about....

But that's the whole point of the post, and the three pages so far - I'm looking for opinions and reasons for "You can/You should/You can't/You Shouldn't. Could and do people live attractionless - do they still have happy lives regardless? If someone left them due to a lack of attraction were they alright, if not soon after but sooner or later?
Another thing I'd like to ask is, if we stay together, should I shut my mouth and/or actively lie to make sure I reduce to the minimum any pain my partner feels - is it effective and a good. Bury it, and tell her it was the depression talking. Again, I feel people are going to get on their high horse here and say "oh how terrible no never lie to not hurt someone". I would invite anyone saying that to take a moment and inventory their lives. You can claim you never did but we'd all have the right to doubt it. We are very open with each other, but I daresay when she's wanted to buck me up, she's held some little white lies, and perhaps I should just carry a big one. I'm trying, not to be bad, but not be naive.

Again, apologies if people think I'm a prick. I'm genuinely not trying to be one. I genuinely don't think I'm unredeemable for feeling what I do - I married for love not attraction and I'm evently not the first to do so, I thought it was right not because I was cringing and clinging to anyone who would do but because I was charmed by her character and she wanted it so much. I've had some hate here, and I'm not whining because frankly, I've hated myself over this, perhaps I should more than I do. I didn't think it was wrong at the time to marry and I didn't do it thinking I'd think like this at this point.

I really appreciate the straight answers people have given so far - I appreciate your time, apologies for the long post.

Nothing to say it's written by a man though. Its obviously fake. It could be written by a woman or AI

How patronising to think that you marrying her was doing her some kind of favour because she'd had a shit childhood and really wanted to get married. Plenty of women want to get married love, but they tend to assume the person doing the asking fancies the living daylights out of them! If she had known your true feelings at the time, I very much doubt she'd have gone for it. Can you IMAGINE how that proposal would have gone down, if you'd worded it honestly? You'd have a beer poured over your head and you'd have found yourself dumped.

The problem here is NOT lack of attraction, it's that you are snobby about her family and look down on her. That's not going to change with time? I really pity this woman and desperately hope she finds this thread. Set her free to be happy with a man who actually fancies her and likes her just the way she is. Goodness knows we all deserve that as a bare minimum in relationships. Then you can find yourself one of the types of women you fantasise about to get off when you're having sex with your poor wife. Grim.

Yeah you're totally missing the point to be honest. Yes looks fade. Yes attraction can whet. Sex can waver. But to say you've never really been attracted to her is mind boggling. Whether we like it or not, sex and attraction does play a big role in a relationship. Especially still in your 30s. I can see you appreciate the person she is, but you're clearly not in love with her. Therefore as a woman I'd feel kind of cuckolded frankly. To know that I could be with someone who loved me and also fancied me! Then to potentially find a thread where he's considering staying with me because I'm a nice gal and maybe he could get over the lack of attraction, would frankly make my blood boil. I'm assuming that if you've never really found her attractive you've not ever called her beautiful/sexy/pretty etc. If you have then you've lied?! How do you act when intimate? I feel as a woman I would detect if a man wasn't finding me attractive unless he was faking it really well??

The real issue and real problem here is your arrogant, patronising and demeaning perspective. I don't think you understand that. As a women I'd be raging to think I'd been conned.

You sound like a lot of hard work and she sounds like a Saint.

Set her free and then you can go off and marry Miss World. 'Eye roll'.

Let the poor woman go and find someone who will love her. And honestly, if you talk anything like you type she will be glad. Poor cow must be bored shitless with the way you go on.

Don't let her waste her child bearing years on you. Let her go.

I would leave. You come across as a pompous arsehole who muses in a way designed to elevate his own very modest status in life. I'd be nervous of passing such genes on to the next generation.

She on the other hand sounds like a peach.

Please leave so she can meet a decent man while she is still young enough to have children.

I wondered about AI. It is quite pompous for AI unless it was asked to create a pompous tosser.

🤣 not even the option of scrolling!

Mate, people aren't being unpleasant on here to you because you're a man, they're doing it because you sound false, and like a self satisfied smug git. All this florid prose is being put on because you think that's how you're meant to talk to women.

I'm a man, and occasionally I get a bit of grief on here for being a man, but mostly I get treated with respect, and my advice or my problem is listened to. And that's because I'm not projecting some false persona in order To try to ingratiate myself with the "ladies", I'm just talking to other people.

And I really hope this is some persona, because the alternative is that your just a really unpleasant person in real life.

What is coming across clearly is that you loathe your wife. And not just her looks. You loathe her past, her family, her very genetics. The only nice thing you have to say about her is that she's sweet. That's not a basis for a marriage, it's not even a basis for a second date.

To answer your actual question - Looks fade, and for most people, it doesn't matter because by then they've grown to love the person behind those looks. And sexual attraction isn't just about the looks, it's about every facet of a person.

The problem is that you were never attracted to her, not her looks, not her personality. You got together with her because she had a set of personality traits that you felt you should be attracted to. But you weren't, and so it's only gotten worse. You started a relationship by lying to this woman, and you lied to her every time you've told her you love her since.

You're trying to force something that was never there, and it's making you loathe her, you're disgusted by her.

This is why everyone is telling you to leave, that she deserves better than you. Because you've ruined her lie, and you've done it because of your own ego.

Set your lovely wife free. Your attitude towards her 'facial attractiveness' and genetic potential is ugly. May your wife have the chance to find eyes that behold her beauty. It is astounding that you married somebody that you were never attracted to.The thought of a disappointed partner always looking at my face with such a cold critical eye would break my heart. Its over.

Jeeze. This reads like someone told AI to write a post in the style of Mr Collins from P&P!

I can't believe people are replying with genuine answers. Every time a "man" comes along to this site, it's an extremely long and tedious post about dating or relationships, usually with sex mentioned. They don't even interact with other posters, they just post another long rambling comment.

So boring, if nothing else. Who has time to read this?!

Yes I hope this is AI as it comes across as very inhumane. The wife deserves somebody to be foolishly in love with her and think she is the most beautiful woman in the world. The multiple orgasm thing is just crass. Mortified.

You sound absolutely dreadful.

Having worked a lot with generative AI over the last year, I'm afraid to say that this is far more likely to be a human. It's gone none of the hallmarks of an AI, and loads of the signs of being a creepy little incel who actually managed to trick someone into believing he was a functioning human being.

This is the longest, most insufferable, self-obsessed twaddle I've ever read on Mumsnet. And that's saying something.