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Original poster

Newly diagnosed health issues - stop dating ?

28 replies

baggiesmalls · 04/07/2023 17:27

I've been single for 4 years and live alone

I spent around 2.5 years on date apps with no success- lots of dates , a couple of flings , but nothing real .

I'm 51 and deleted all the date apps around 6 months ago as I was deflated and fed up and just decided to concentrate on me, hobbies , friends etc

Now I've been diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis which has been crippling, lots of other issues too , gluten intolerance, pernicious anaemia, and I'm soon to start taking methotrexate.

Felt a bit overwhelmed.
The other day I reinstalled bumble , within 24 hours I've hidden my profile .

It was hard enough before the diagnosis.. would you just give up now ?

I'm always tired . I can't be arsed anymore but the thought of actually being alone for ever isn't a happy one either .

OP posts:
chocobaby · 04/07/2023 17:32

I personal think you should forget about dating and focus on yourself and your health. If anything, the current dating landscape will make you feel worse physically and otherwise! Good luck and all the best!

80s · 04/07/2023 17:39

Maybe join some groups or go to events related to your health issues? And see if there are any less physically tiring activities you could take up, e.g. book clubs, groups for cine enthusiasts? Do a few things where you're not dating as such but where the oppotunity could at least come up, so you don't feel like you're never going to date again.

frozendaisy · 04/07/2023 17:52

I agree, concentrate on your health then look at other possibilities to fill your loneliness.

WyldeSwan · 04/07/2023 18:02

I've PSA rather than RA - but symptoms and treatment are similar. The first few months are tough. I'd pause the dating thing for now and be gentle on yourself. But once treatment gets going (takes a good few months) you are likely to see and feel improvements, at which point you can reassess how you feel about the dating game. Don't write yourself off completely!

penguinsss · 04/07/2023 18:05

I don’t think you need to give up forever but it might be wise to take a break now until you get your medication and dosage right as it can take a few months.

I have arthritis and anaemia and I felt loads better after a couple of weeks on the right dose of methotrexate and b12 for the anaemia. Obviously I still have flare ups and bad days but treatment was life changing for me.

I hope you start feeling better soon 💐

Defenders · 04/07/2023 20:58

I wouldn't give up but I guess it's not easy to go on dates. Only you can make that decision really. What would you do if you matched with someone on bumble?

Original poster
baggiesmalls · 04/07/2023 21:08

I already had a match but i suspended my profile .

I found most conversations don't lead to anything anyway , or if they did and I dated i didn't want a second!

I must have had 50 dates over the 2 years I was online with just two leading to second dates and a fling but neither of those turned into anything.

Yeah I think I'll stay suspended. I can't see anyone wanting to date me at the moment anyway . I can't walk , I'm having to follow a gluten free diet and probably won't be much fun .

OP posts:
Defenders · 04/07/2023 21:23

Should you see an improvement in your condition once you start your new medication?

Original poster
baggiesmalls · 04/07/2023 21:34

I hope so because at the moment I'm overtaken on stairs by OAPS !

I think the methotrexate can take 3 months to work and there'll be some fine tuning of doses and med s generally.

I'm having to go for weekly blood tests , injections of vit d , injections of b12 and injections of methotrexate weekly.

Nothing has started yet I'm waiting for the appointment with the nurses to begin the meds . Spoke to consultant secretary today so should start within 2 weeks , had a steroid injection in the backside yesterday to try and get it in remission as at the moment I'm virtually housebound anyway as mobility is very compromised. I e had symptoms for 18 months and have had to fight to get a rheumatology appointment because the gp kept saying it couldn't be RA . (They keep telling me it always starts in the small joints of the fingers and toes but mine started in my knee , then the other knee , then both ankles , then both elbows and then both thumbs . It's been confirmed now but the long we it's gone untreated the more immobile I became . So I wouldn't fancy a date really anyway as I'm currently walking like a 90 year old . I can't even get off my sofa or loo . And I can't use stairs . I'm having to go up and down on my bum .

OP posts:
Defenders · 04/07/2023 21:45

That sounds pretty horrendous. I guess dating isn't really an option at the moment. I could be wrong, but It sounds like you have a good sense of humour. Were you 51 this year?
1972 was a good year for that apparently.

Original poster
baggiesmalls · 04/07/2023 21:53

Yeah born in 72 .

I do laugh a lot , and I've joked along about turning into a little old lady (while still looking like a siren obvs!)

But yeah I think I need to focus on me right now - I've found myself turning down invites out from friends because I can't walk to the pub !

Hopefully thi gs might change when treatment starts and I might feel like dating again .
At the min I feel like a sack of spuds anyway .

OP posts:
Defenders · 04/07/2023 22:05

A good sense of humour is probably essential if you do venture back to dating just to get through it. It certainly sounds like it has helped in other ways. Does swearing and sarcasm help?

Original poster
baggiesmalls · 04/07/2023 22:12

Without fail !

OP posts:
Original poster
baggiesmalls · 04/07/2023 22:15

I opened a letter today that I found - on the envelope it said "DO NOT IGNORE THIS LETTER

It was dated 10th feb 😂😂. Think I failed at the first hurdle

Just the voters register but yeah - that's me . !

OP posts:
Defenders · 04/07/2023 22:41

baggiesmalls · 04/07/2023 22:12

Without fail !

Thought it would 🙂

englishsparklingwine · 05/07/2023 00:54

I'd strongly advise that you don't!! The right person won't care, you'll have fun and it will be a distraction.

A few years ago I asked Mumsnet a similar question. I had what could be a life limiting disease, would need serious surgery, would impact any future relationships etc. I was told I was being selfish by dating someone and I should let them live their life... anyway, we are now engaged Grin. If they're right for you, they won't care!

Original poster
baggiesmalls · 05/07/2023 01:45

I think I'll concentrate on getting the treatment first - I think my current situation and walking like a 90 year old with a zimmer would actually put anyone off right now

OP posts:
Original poster
baggiesmalls · 05/07/2023 01:46

Also ....
I culoulsnt fine "the right one" when I was fit and hot

I suspect that might be a whole lot harder now I'm not ....

OP posts:
Lifeispassingby · 05/07/2023 01:52

DH started methotrexate a few months ago and it really has changed things for him so I hope it works the same for you too xx

Original poster
baggiesmalls · 05/07/2023 01:58

80s · 04/07/2023 17:39

Maybe join some groups or go to events related to your health issues? And see if there are any less physically tiring activities you could take up, e.g. book clubs, groups for cine enthusiasts? Do a few things where you're not dating as such but where the oppotunity could at least come up, so you don't feel like you're never going to date again.

God I can't think of anything worse than sitting with a group of people moaning about their swollen ankles and stairs ....
(Of which I'd be the loudest !!)
No ta !

OP posts:
Defenders · 05/07/2023 06:37

Do you mind if I send you a dm later @baggiesmalls

Thisisworsethananticpated · 05/07/2023 07:24

Dating can be really hard work for both genders

and can be dispiriting and rejecting

id focus on health first and getting yourself better again

you don’t need dating stress on top of health stress x

80s · 05/07/2023 08:18

baggiesmalls · 05/07/2023 01:58

God I can't think of anything worse than sitting with a group of people moaning about their swollen ankles and stairs ....
(Of which I'd be the loudest !!)
No ta !

Show quote history

I may just have stumbled across an anomaly :) but e.g. I know some people with MS who organise normal activities, the only difference being that everyone goes to the activities on their trikes or in wheelchairs, they make sure to meet in easily accessible spots, everyone is relatively slow-moving so they don't feel rushed, they all bring something to sit on instead of standing around, etc. They don't meet to talk about their health issues particularly; they go to concerts, outdoor events and so on.

Sounds like you'll need a while to adjust and for the medication to have an effect - sounds very sensible to focus on yourself.

Sendmymillioninaninvoice · 05/07/2023 08:20

Sick people can date too! I see plenty of people with health problems in relationships.

Original poster
baggiesmalls · 05/07/2023 14:29

Defenders · 05/07/2023 06:37

Do you mind if I send you a dm later @baggiesmalls

Shall I get me coat ? Have I pulled ?

You can dm the only thing is I can't see dms on the app , I'd have to dig the old laptop out, so do t expect a fast reply 😊

OP posts: