Feeling so guilty

[MrsDude]

Sorry this is so long….

I have been in an on/off relationship with ex partner for three years, both mid 40’s, both divorced, both have kids. I had been single for a long time and felt so lucky to have met someone I really liked.

However, he was very temperamental from the start, a few red flags after about 6 weeks that I stupidly ignored, very quick to temper, could be very nasty with his words, smoked weed daily (on and off), when I pulled him up on bad behaviour he would blame me, storm off, disappear for days on end, finish the relationship, I would always go back begging for another chance, I just put him and his feelings over and above mine, he must have finished with me about 10 times over the three years and I always went crawling back.

I had a bit of a epiphany about 3 weeks ago and started counselling to try and sort my boundaries and to help me end the relationship, it has been great so far and he seemed to have stepped up to my clear boundaries and he actually apologised for the first time ever after another uncalled for shouty outburst.

At the weekend we went out for dinner with his family, his son was on his phone and saw a message from another woman, his son called him out on it (bless him) it was awful, he made an excuse about it being innocent but wouldn’t show me his phone so I just got up and left the restaurant.

He collected me on Sunday morning to take me to get my car and I absolutely let rip at him, I was so angry, I called him out as an abuser, a stoner, a liar and a cheat it was three years in the making and I was so so horrible, I literally screamed at him and shouted at him and called him all the names under the sun for the whole car journey. I am actually ashamed of myself, I was vile. I have blocked him on everything but have an overwhelming urge to call and apologise but that’s just stupid isn’t it?

I actually don’t think that’s stupid, he seems like a crappy person and I’m sure he deserved what you said but if it’s something that will weigh on your conscience then it doesn’t hurt to apologise. Only if it doesn’t lead to reconciliation because that wouldn’t be healthy for either of you.

Id simple message and say ‘although I was hurt by your behaviour and am certain that the relationship is not good for either of us, I shouldn’t have shouted and insulted you like I did. I am sorry to have hurt you and hope that we can leave this relationship peacefully without resentment. I truly wish you all the best’

That sounds great actually, I will copy and paste! Thanks!

I'd not bother, sounds like he's been awful throughout the relationship and your outburst is a result of fully understanding how he's walked all over your boundaries during your relationship, probably because you've had the opportunity to discuss with a professional and are feeling stronger. I suspect your outburst was no worse than his previous ones. Keep him blocked and move on, you've set out your stall, given him some home truths, don't ruin it now and apologise

Thanks, hard to know what to do for the best, I do feel really bad but like you say, I’ve been subjected to very, very similar many times with no reflection from him, it’s all just a bit raw but I don’t think I have ever lost it like that before! I think I have put up with so much from him but at least I was the only woman for him 🙄 Him texting someone else just did it for me, after everything, he does that aswell, I literally exploded.

Walk away with your head held high, you've done nothing wrong, just called an arsehole and arsehole. Apologise and you give him the power. Block and move on, maybe speak to your councillor about it, come to terms with being strong and standing up for yourself - it's going to feel off if you've never done it before. As a people pleaser we're designed to apologise for everything, even things we shouldn't do.

I'd walk away. He treated you like crap and you've done the hard work with leaving him. Contacting him will open communication up again.

Don't apologise. Block him, cut all ties with him and walk away. Keep your dignity and don't go back there. Nobody has the right to make you behave and feel like this. I was in a year long relationship a few years ago and this sounds very like that. I am a very strong, independent woman and I take no shit, but I started to apologise, overthink things, blame myself for everything (I was menopausal at the time), until I talked about it to someone who pointed out that I was being gaslighted and he was a complete narcissist. Breaking away was the hardest thing I ever did, but the best thing for me, although it took three months on antidepressants and a few sessions of phone counselling (it was during lockdown and counselling was difficult to come by). He kept coming back, using excuses to pop round, and his behaviour escalated and I had to have him arrested. It took months to finally get over it and past it, but I am way out the other side and even stronger than I was before. Look after yourself, OP, nobody else will do it for you, and you can emerge with your head held high and your self-respect intact. I sank to my lowest level with him and I still cringe at my behaviour now. Good luck to you.

Thank you, I also classed myself as a very strong independent woman but this relationship has turned me into someone I don’t recognise. My friends just couldn’t believe I was putting up with it and then going back for more and more. The break has been made now but I need to make sure I stay strong because I have an overwhelming urge to make things better for him!

This.

You've said what you wanted (and needed) to say. If you contact him it will veer into 'drama'.

I'd just leave it.

Well he is an abuser, a stoner, a liar and a cheat so why would you apologise for calling him those things.

And your anger is justified.

Is the idea of apologising a way to reestablish contact? You know that he will take an apology for your anger as a confirmation that he is in the right?

You are already in counselling to work out how this went on for 3 years, eyes forwards, focus on that.

Maybe it is just an excuse to start up communication, I have that awful, anxious panicky feeling that I’m in the wrong. Feeling really unsettled so guess I’m trying to ease that feeling. But it is definitely done, no going back for me, like you say, eyes forward…

I wouldn't contact him at all. He treated you badly for a long time. You treated him badly once.

If you contact him, he'll see it as either you trying to reignite things, and / or as you accepting you were in the wrong - which he'll take as he was therefore in the right, the victim, and he can leave the relationship with his hjead held high, telling himself and his mates you'd apologised and therefore accepted responsiblity for the r'ship ending.

I think you would ulimtately regret getting back in touch, and apologising, more than you would regret giving him a (deserved) verbal bashing.