My mum is messed up

[Chocolateeeey]

My mum seems messed up.
I moved away a few years ago and she comes to stay with me every couple of months for a few days and each time I see her, I feel more disappointed.

Going through divorce and I am struggling. Mum came to stay claiming how she was going to give me a break from the kids etc, but she sat on her phone most of the time playing games. She drinks too much alcohol and told me she thinks she's an alcoholic. Her health is rubbish. She has put on so much weight that she struggles to walk. I like to take my kids for long walks and she can't keep up with us let alone take care of them for me.

She is smoking a lot too. But never around the children. She never cooks a meal when she comes to stay. If she babysits she seems grumpy about it. But she claims on SM to be this doting gran who can't wait to see her family.

She seems to be socially awkward and makes odd comments to my friends and neighbours. She is incredibly loud and bolshy. When she leaves a feel a sense of relief as the noise level decreases.

I can't rely on her throughout my divorce as she seems quite unstable herself. Her ex husband died of alcoholism so I'm even more shocked at her becoming alcohol dependent. She isn't the reliable, stable mum I need her to be right now and I feel so disappointed. I've suggested counselling but she just seems so un-procactive about dealing with her issues.

Any advice?

That sounds really upsetting and frustrating for you, especially the SM claims and coming to visit claiming she will help you.

I think you can either try to talk to her in a calm supportive way, maybe suggest a short walk just the two of you so you are not face to face, sometimes doing an activity even walking can help a difficult discussion.

Say to her you are worried about the drinking and bring up counselling again.

At the end of the day I think people will change if and when they are ready, all you can do is stay supportive without putting yourself and family at risk. So your main focus remains your own mental health and your kids.

hard, but I think if you come at it from a place of concern for her, rather than focussing on the effects on you guys, it might help. All addiction comes from feeling helpless or traumatised in some way. So maybe asking her if she's ok, you're concerned, maybe suggest support she can get, or therapy, check in with her mental state and see what's worrying her, from a concerned child. Sometimes people in a bad place need this kind of approach rather than someone having a go at them about their bad habits (the latter could push them into it further as it would make them feel even worse!). See what kind of response you get when you enquire in a caring way. I realise at this time that is super hard for you when things are tough, but maybe she's unable to support you at this time - you might have to find support elsewhere if she's not up to it, at least until she's a bit better.