Parents have no boundaries

[Frances2023]

Hi everyone
im a single mother to a 20 month old daughter. My parents help out with day care . However, when I was younger they used physical punishment a lot. My mother last punched me in the back of the head at 26 and if I Dont agree to her will she tells me I’m bold and to behave myself. I have also recently found out that my brother ( golden balls in my mothers eyes) has broken his wife’s rib. I advised her to contact women’s aid for support. I am really struggling as my parents have been good. To me at times financially etc but they are also abusive. E.g. my dad told me to fuck up recently. He never hit my mother but there has been major arguments . They are both out of control but normal to the outside world. Any advice / similar experiences. I’m 39 and really fed up with them, I’ve a masters and I like. To solve problems a different way but I have noticed myself becoming passive aggressive more and more as I need to spend more time with my parents DUe to childcare arrangements

I know this is easier said than done, I also benefit massively from the amount of childcare my parents do for me and dread to think how I would manage without them however if your parents think hitting you and making threats to you are acceptable they will do the same to your child. They have no respect for you nor your boundaries that includes your DD. Can you have a look at how much you/if you can claim towards childcare costs? It wont cover all of it but should cover a large chunk x

@Frances2023
From your description, your parents sound unpleasant. However, you seem to be willing to use them as fits your needs and convenience.

Stop accepting their services and their money. Assert your own adult independence and manage your life without so much reliance upon them.

If you were not dependent upon them for child care, You could probably see less of them. You are 39 and as you say "fed up with them.". It is unlikely that they are coming into your home begging to be your day care provider or additional financial backup.

I do not saw this to be cruel or insensitive, it is just the picture that you have painted of the dynamics of your relationship.

Don't use people and then criticize them. If as it appears, you do not like them , stop needing and accepting their help. It appears that no matter what they may think of you, they have been there when you needed them.

What besides critical thoughts do you add to their lives?

Living a more independent life will probably reduce the need to interact with them as much.

My parents aren't great and I'm about to become a single mum after a crappy and lonely marriage with a man with issues! He has also worked away for a few years so I am on my own a lot.

My advice to you is to distance from them. Rely on them for nothing. I make tons of excuses not to see my Dad. My mum recently told me she's an alcoholic so more distance. They're not good role models to my children and I am determined not to allow history to repeat itself. Lots of violence in my childhood too. Find ways to live without them if you can. I know it's hard, but believe me it isn't worth it.

Just like you would have to cut an abusive partner out of your life, you have to cut these two abusers out. Find a way to manage without them, that has to be a priority.

They're abusive and they won't change. Do you worry they will abuse your child? I would move heaven and earth to not depend on them for anything so they would never get the opportunity to hurt DC.

You can not use them for child care, they abused you abd are still abusive. You are not protecting your child ,so please arrange other child care.

When your dd is old enough to disclose being abused how will you feel knowing you sent her to them..?

Good grief, it’s not that they don’t have boundaries, it’s that you don’t! They’re abusers. Do not let them anywhere near your kids, not for a moment. Find another way.

I wouldn't let them anywhere near my children unless I was there.

I do not put myself or my children in situations with toxic people, l raised my own two children independently, no support from parents, just me. In every situation you find yourself you have to ask "Is this good for me? ", and more importantly "Is this good for my children?"
Your parents have anger issues and no self control by the sound of it, this isn't healthy for you or your children. There is no way l would have left my children in their hands.
I would only have minimal contact with them from now on.

Your parents are unsuitable to be used as childcare because of the abuse they continue to mete out to you. Alternative childcare needs to be sought now.

I can only assume you allowed them to have access to your child because they offered or else you felt you had no other option. Also your own fear, obligation and guilt re them may also play a part. You are probably also hoping against hope and your own childhood experience that they will somehow behave better this time around, sadly this is often not the case with abusive people.

If they are abusive to YOU, it’s the SAME deal for your child also. Why would you want to subject your child, your most precious of resource, to them at all is something you need to think seriously about.

It is not your fault your parents are abusive, you did not make them that way. Would suggest you read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward and contact NAPAC.

Have it out with your parents or quietly distance yourself, whichever you think best, but don't leave your child with them.

Abusive people can be quite plausible to those in the outside world so they appearing normal to outsiders doesn’t surprise me at all. one or two people may have their own private based suspicions about them.

Can you pay for childcare in some way? Even if that means working more or living minimalistically for now? I really think you shouldn't let abusers in your childs or your life.

Or do you have a parent friend who works opposite days and you take care of each others children?

I would not leave your children alone with your parents if I were you.

You know why.

How can you leave your child with people that treated a child like that and still stand by and threaten you with intimidation tactics.

come on @Frances2023 what would you tell a friend?

Are you waiting until you see your child flinch’s from granny for the first time and it twigs somethings happened.

An unexpected bruise or two.

your mum commenting that your child was getting lippy/bold when you collect them. the fear and dread of what she may have done whilst your child was in her care…

i know it’s easier said than done but they shouldn’t be trusted with your child.

if they were the relatives of your partner/ex - would you still try having a relationship with them for your child? Or would you accept that blood does not make a family you just stick with.

my abusive parents and brother would be dead to me.

squishes on this. Reach out and get as much support as possible from all avenues. Ask GP s, family centres, anyones that may have connections that can help.

Thank you everyone

its very hard to accept that your parents who you love and can be so good on one side but really are cruel on another.

I went to see a daycare centre last night, think it will be so much better to send me daughter here