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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why does he do this?

24 replies

VictoriaPlum90 · 04/07/2023 11:29

I’ve NC for this.

Recently I’ve become aware of something my husband does.

If I’m about to go out to see friends, take our children out to do something fun, do anything enjoyable for myself then he either tries to start an argument or upset me before I go or he does it when I get home.

Also, if I’m WFH he’ll come upstairs where I’m working and again try to upset me / cause stress. I’m then sat there trying to concentrate and feeling upset or in tears.

Looking back, he’s actually done this for years but following a few of these incidents lately it’s like I’ve woken up and realised what he’s doing. I just don’t know why someone would do that. Has anyone experienced this previously?

OP posts:
Whattodo112222 · 04/07/2023 11:29

Your husband sounds like a classic narcissist.

DustyLee123 · 04/07/2023 11:30

Oh dear, it’s abusive.

Original poster
VictoriaPlum90 · 04/07/2023 11:38

What would he get from it though?

When he goes out or does something for himself I just want him to relax and have a nice time.

OP posts:
LaBefana · 04/07/2023 11:41

VictoriaPlum90 · 04/07/2023 11:38

What would he get from it though?

When he goes out or does something for himself I just want him to relax and have a nice time.

What he gets from it is to undermine you and make you feel unsure of yourself.

BlastedPimples · 04/07/2023 11:41

He gets supply from it. It's cities. It's affecting you. It controls you.

My stbxh used to do this. He used to accuse me of not liking him going out with his friends etc. When really he used to get really argumentative after I'd been out with my friends.

Original poster
VictoriaPlum90 · 04/07/2023 11:46

It was almost a lightbulb moment the other day when it clicked. I’ve sat here feeling stupid ever since for not realising sooner. 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
Mapleunicorn · 04/07/2023 11:54

My stbxh used to do this. He was a narcissist too. It’s a control thing. Despite claiming he wanted me to see my friends he would always find a reason to be annoyed at me when I did. The house was a mess (I.e I may have left a solitary teaspoon on the side) I was out too late (I wasn’t) etc etc. quite why he felt that I needed a curfew as a grown woman I have no idea

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/07/2023 11:57

He does this because he can and feels entitled to do so. Such controlling behaviour is abusive in nature. Abuse is about power and control and he wants absolute here over both you and the DC. You're being "punished" by him for going out without him because he is the Big Man who expects you to be around for him and otherwise kow tow to him 100% of the time.

What do you want to teach your DC about relationships and what are they learning here?.

Think long and hard about whether you want to remain in a marriage like this because he will not change. This sort of behaviour as well from him will affect your children too and markedly so. I would read a copy of "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft; your man is in these pages.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/07/2023 11:58

Do not feel stupid for not realising this sooner.

Abuse like this is truly insidious in its onset and does creep up on people unawares.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 04/07/2023 11:59

Yes, Lundy Bancroft will have some insights for you, OP.

pikkumyy77 · 04/07/2023 12:00

Why does he do that? HE DOESN’T LIKE YOU and this is how he chooses to behave. You make a very serious error when you project your normal, loving, and generous self onto him—sure you would want him to have a nice time going out. But he is not at all like you! He would not like you to feel happy and at ease.

Whattodo112222 · 04/07/2023 12:01

Hi op. As awful as it is going to sound but your husband doesn't sound like he likes or respects you. He's abusive. Abusive people don't care about anyone except themselves.

Sicario · 04/07/2023 12:02

It's classic narcissist controlling behaviour. You are not allowed to have any interests outside of his needs. He enjoys upsetting you because it gives him "narcissistic supply" by causing drama and upset. It keeps your focus on him. Another classic sign this is happening is the feeling of "walking on eggshells".

Men like this only ever get worse.

chatelai · 04/07/2023 12:08

An ex partner of mine was like this too. Took me decades to work it out. Classic was calling me back home from visit to my sibling because he'd had some devastating news. I drove 3 hours home, and he was: 'Why are you here? You didn't need to come home.' Having implied on the phone that he was unstable and likely to do something extreme.

The end came not long after I successfully visited another continent on my own.

He liked me needy and gaslit me for years to keep me this way.

Pinkbonbon · 04/07/2023 12:09

It's what's narcissists do.

  1. They dontblike your attention to br on anything other than them (does he have form for ruining holidays and things like Christmas too?). So when you're thinking of doing something fun or, really busy with something important, they.cant.stand.it.
  2. They don't like your happiness. They will actively try to ruin things you are looking forwards to. They may do things like refuse to come to things they initially agreed to, at the last minute, because they know its important to you or you were looking forwards to it. And they feel the need to deflate you, for control over you.
  3. Some narcissist can be malignant. Spiteful. So, as above, but the reason they do things is that they enjoy kicking you down. Ever seen - the smirk? That's a key indicator of malignancy. When they've said or done something upsetting, they smirk. Esprcially when you're (ridiculously) trying to explain why the obviously upsetting thing they've done OS upsetting. Amd they're pretending not to understand and just acting like you're crazy/overreacting.

They do it because they aren't like you or me. They aren't normal, pleasant enough human beings. They're fucked up bullies, who.mean.you.harm.

Pinkbonbon · 04/07/2023 12:10

*IS upsetting

Dillydollydingdong · 04/07/2023 12:12

He's jealous. Jealous that you're going out without him. Jealous that you're working on your own and you don't need him. He just wants to spoil whatever you're doing to prove to himself that you need him.

Pinkbonbon · 04/07/2023 12:20

Ps: I like lundy Bancroft but he dealt with the most violent of offenders and that book, is a hard read. I rarely recommend it as it's difficult to get through and can actually have the effect of making people think 'oh well at least my relationship isn't THAT bad'. Imo, it's, advanced reading, for after you've got out.

There's a thing he did thats online though that's a good resource for all: If you Google lundy bankroft - 9 types of abusers. See if you recgonise your partner in there or as a combination of any.

Online resources wise there are lots of good youtubers on npd too. Doctor ramani is a good place to start.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 04/07/2023 12:33

Ever seen - the smirk? That's a key indicator of malignancy. When they've said or done something upsetting, they smirk. Esprcially when you're (ridiculously) trying to explain why the obviously upsetting thing they've done OS upsetting. Amd they're pretending not to understand and just acting like you're crazy/overreacting

My DM and GM would do that to us when we were children and upset. Smirk at each other and giggle.

Pinkbonbon · 04/07/2023 12:45

Yeah generally we don't tend to smirk when other people are upset. It's not normal. Having said that, kids get stressed at silly things sometimes. So I can understand parent figures laughing when that happens. Usually there would be comfort or understanding afterwords though. And I'm assuming you've plenty of other reasons to believe your gm and dm were... a certain sort of people. Looking back on how they treated you as a kid can provide good insight.

Generally, we don't go through life smirking much at all. Maybe if our hated boss falls on his ass or something. But generally it's not a common feature for us because...most of us aren't spiteful. So be wary of smirkers. Especially those who smirk at the misfortune or distress of others.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 04/07/2023 12:54

Usually there would be comfort or understanding afterwords though. And I'm assuming you've plenty of other reasons to believe your gm and dm were... a certain sort of people. Usually there would be comfort or understanding afterwords though. And I'm assuming you've plenty of other reasons to believe your gm and dm were... a certain sort of people. Looking back on how they treated you as a kid can provide good insight.

Yes. Usually. Except there wasn't. I've plenty of reasons to believe they were certain sorts of people, thanks, and I've done a LOT of looking back and thinking. My DB decribed GM as 'malign' when we were discussing this a few weeks ago and that pretty much summed her up.

Anyway, enough of the derail.

Original poster
VictoriaPlum90 · 04/07/2023 15:40

Thank you everyone for your replies. I’ll have a look at the links / recommendations later. I really appreciate it.

OP posts:
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