Feeling betrayed by porn

[Alwayspainting]

I feel very betrayed by my DH.I know he watches porn, makes no secrecy about it (says 'give me a man that doesn't') but then I found he has a liking for 2 particular people that he googles regularly, because they aren't faceless as such, I am greatly bothered by it, it seems personal.
I feel inadequate and not enough.

Not all men watch porn, that’s just him making an excuse to do it.
You aren’t inadequate, he is. I couldn’t be with someone who funds the porn/drug trade.

Not all men watch porn. His watching porn has nothing to do with your adequacy or worth. It says something about his disrespect for you that he does it knowing you are bothered by it. You are enough, OP. He is the one with the issue.

Thanks, you are right if feels incredibly disrespectful

It's not the porn disrespecting you, its him.

All men don't watch porn. That's just shit that those who do, say.

And I'd probably be uncomfortable with him watching the sexcapades of two particular women on a regular basis too. It's one thing to just Google random stuff for a quick wank. It's another thing to follow particular people and watch all their stuff. That's more like an obsession.

You're not comfortable with the current situation. And that's your boundary. And that's OK.

But I'm not sure it's the sort of thing having a chat can solve. I think...people have respect for you and their marriage... or they don't.

Agree with other’s, ”all men watch it” is garbage, even if it were true it’s no excuse.
He just wants you to have low standards and accept it.

If you want like-minded people to talk to, here’s a safe place:
https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/

It’s a deal breaker for me. I won’t have relationships with men who use porn. Fortunately there are plenty who don’t, despite the ‘all men watch porn’ and ‘if he says he doesn’t watch porn he’s lying’ bullshit that I see from men who don’t seem to get out much.

The question is: are you prepared to put up with being disrespected for the next 5, 10 or 20 years by your partner, who is supposed to love you? Or do you think it’s better to end the relationship now, and save yourself years of misery in a relationship with someone who doesn’t care about your feelings?

this must surely be a record for Mumsnet confirmation bias?

Not all men watch it, I agree with the other posters. Him saying that is just trying to deflect from his crappy behavior.
For me, this would be a dealbreaker. When you break it down to what it is, it’s your man getting off looking at someone else. I can’t imagine being OK with that, it crosses a line. If others are OK with it then good for them, it’s all very much down to the feelings of those in the relationship. I respect that for everyone.
This will continue to zap your confidence, self esteem and happiness within your relationship. If you’re not happy, make sure you get him to change and remember … all men watch it is NOT an excuse. There is NO excuse.

Even if every man in the world ever watches porn, you would still be entirely within your rights to say “no thank you”. This is about your feelings and your boundaries.

Maybe 95% of men are like this - but then why wouldn’t you aim to be with one of the 5% that aren’t? You deserve to be with someone who respects you and cares enough to make you feel attractive, desired and loved.

And I don’t think the percentages are anything like that. I think the number of men who have watched poem at some point in their lives is very high, but the number of men who are regular consumers and addicted to the degree that they disregard their partner’s distress is far, far, far lower than they realise.

It’s like that thing school kids do when they reassure each other they didn’t study for the exam either, as if someone else failing makes your poor results better.

Deal breaker for me.

When will people realise the sickness that is in our society with the prevalence of the vileness?

It has broken up swathes of marriages, warped young people's mind and is the only addiction you can never truly rid yourself of - memories can't be erased.

His childish "everyone does it" reminds me of the "everyone has one" that kids say to get parents to buy them stuff. I am hoping my sons are of the new generation that say those that watch it are the ones not getting it.

It's never bothered me, but I can understand why some women have an issue with it. I can also understand the man's perspective, that what he chooses to view (obviously so long as it's legal!) is a personal/private decision. Anything involving interaction (cams and such like) crosses a line. And viewing porn with regularity/in an addictive manner would be an issue for me.

I don't think you should feel betrayed per se, because he's not trying to hide it from you.

I'm not sure how you resolve the issue though - would you trust your DH if he said he was no longer viewing porn? Because, obviously, he could say that, but continue watching in private.

Absolutely agree with the line crossing with cams, except he's clearly looking/searching at two porn stars which feels wrong.
So we had a chat today, I told him exactly how I felt about it all.
He said that if it upset me and clearly it does then he wouldn't look any more. I said well you've had years of looking I'm not that naive to think you're going to stop and I'd never know if he did, you know he could delete etc even if I asked to see his phone. So I don't really feel any further on with it. Just a bit meh....

Thank you for this.....it's helping