Partner cheating

[M96]

Been with partner for 3yrs a week ago I found out he had slept with my best friend 2yrs ago. In the time he cheated he lost his dog & grandfather. He then tuck comfort in talking to my best friend about it as she made him believe I didn't understand his pain & I was toxic. Because I was also grieving the loss of my children's father to suicide so we was both in grieving in different ways. He couldn't be more sorry it was only the one time and has let me ask any questions I have but even with him being so open and letting me get through this am in such a black hole of emotions. Even with him being so open and honest the pain is killing me I do want to try and make this work but I am not sure if I can with the amount of pain it's caused me.

I wouldn't be able to forgive that. Why was he even talking to your friend? I assume you are no longer friends with her?

I couldn't move on from that. Sounds like he's trying to push the blame onto your friend calling her toxic. They're both just as bad

I am no longer friends with her, I did message her for side of things but she ignored my messages so I just removed her. Apparently he was talking to her because he was trying to get her perspective on how to progress our relationship and also rant about how he dislikes me at times. It does feel as though it's easier to blame her but it was both of them & he has accepted his side of what his done & the pain it's caused me.

Did you fuck his best friend too, since that's apparently an appropriate response to grief?

This man doesn't love you and that woman is not your best friend. Ditch them both.

You've only just found out and you're obviously still in shock (to be expected). You don't have to decide anything yet. Focus on yourself for the time being.

A really useful resource for me was/is the online forum 'surviving infidelity'. It has a section called Just Found Out and a really good online library of resources for healing. You'll get some really good advice there from people who have been through similar experiences.

He hasn't "been open" because he's only jusf told you. He kept this a secret from you for 2 years! I'm not sure how you could ever trust somebody again after that.

@M96, I’m sorry that you’ve experienced this horrific double betrayal. Your Partner has kept you in the dark and robbed your choices and consent for
2 years. I wouldn’t be able to stay with him after such a massive abuse of my trust.

I agree with @Ihaveoflate that you would receive some much needed support on the Surviving Infidelity website.

Losses in life are common. It doesn’t give you a green card to cheat. And with your ‘best friend’ too. Yuck.

you say he couldn’t be more sorry and it was only the 1 time, and he’s open and honest…. Apparently she convinced him you didn’t understand him, I don’t buy this. He’s now trying to shift the blame on to her for something he consensually did with her. It seems as though you are minimizing his dreadful behavior. If it was once or 10 times it is still a cruel and disrespectful thing to do. Sounds like it could have also been a bit of an emotional affair down on top of this if he was talking to her about intimate stuff within your relationship like how it would progress…

I think you won’t leave him but I think you should. I really think you should.

No kids? Run girl run! Tell him he is free, free to live a glorious life fucking whoever he wants whenever he wants. He risked giving you an std. He is possibly minimising.

As for how you are feeling the people on surviving infidelity website will help you process what has happened. Chump lady will help you understand his nonsense. There are more serious reads too if you really want to try and stay together.

But no kids - I’d pop this pond weed back in the pond, if you don’t live together I’d ghost him and go have some fun. If you live at his I’d do a disappearing act and let him find my empty wardrobe. You owe him nothing.

How people can forgive their partners but ditch the friend is beyond me. Either both go or both stay 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’m sorry you’re going through this. You were going through a hard time and so was he. I understand reaching out to friends but he knowingly cheated on you after bad mouthing and moaning about you. Obviously this girl was not your friend and wanted to lure him away from you- they are both as bad as each other.

Only time will tell if you can move on from this. It will totally break you and you will have to work on your own confidence whilst discovering if you can possibly trust him again. It might be best to take a little time apart to decide what’s best for you!

If he can fuck ur best friend he can fuck anyone,cant be trusted x

You might find it helpful, if you can’t envisage leaving him and are satisfied with his contrition and apologies, to write everything down.

Write down what was happening leading up to it, what you now know happened and how you feel. A kind of journal.

It might take several drafts but when you get to a point of feeling ok with what you’ve purged, print it off and keep it somewhere private. From time to time go back and re-read it. I think you might find that you will end up infrequently re-reading it as you relax. But, you can only relax if he keeps up his apologies and contrition for what he did. If not, you’ve got the tangible evidence of the hurt he’d caused to back up kicking him into touch.

I hope it works out for you OP. Surviving infidelity is a hard path and not easily recovered from. Good luck.

Do you honestly believe this was your friend's fault? Even if it's true that she tried to convince him you were 'toxic' he wouldn't have believed her if he had any loyalty to you. Even if he believed it for some weird reason, he didn't have to have sex with her.

This is 100% on him. No matter how badly behaved your 'friend' (if what he's said is true), he is just as bad but actually moreso because he cheated on you.

Thanks everyone I want to clear a few things up I don't blame her 100% they are both to blame equally. As stated above if he thought I was those things he should of ended it rather then going on to cheat on me. My head is complete mess from all this I don't which way to go what's right anymore my brain is going a 100miles an HR. I haven't forgiven him or intend on forgiving him, I was considering unblocking my so called friend to see if she was up to talking but I don't know if it will do me more damage then good or if she's willing to talk because she ignored my message for days. After reading these comments am starting to realize that he is indeed down playing and finding ways to blame her to take it of him self.

This.

Hi, I am wanting to take my children abroad they have had passports before they are expired now. The issue am having is that my children's dad passed away would I need to send his death certificate with there renewal of the new passport? Would I still need to fill out his part on the form to?

I don't think you need the death cert to renew their passports, but it would be a good idea to take it with you when you travel because you are meant to take a letter of permission with you from the other parent if they have parental responsibility and you are travelling with the children alone (to prevent child abduction). Some countries rarely check but many do. So given you can't get that letter I would take the death certificate with you instead.