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Original poster

My way of life is trapping me.....

27 replies

ThatsBecky · 04/07/2023 02:34

On the heels of my last post.. Re his porn and inappropriate Cyber stalking and masturbatuon over his ex. Why I can't afford to leave him...

Prior to our relationship I was renting here as a disabled person for about 4 months. Before that I lived with my mum but she got too sick to look after herself let alone me. I am disabled and unwell and getting worse. I can't work. My life here consisted of benefits £. Which paid my rent, my bills and barely enough money for food which was mostly tins of baked beans on toast and cups of tea. I was constantly hungry, unwell and too proud to accept food banks. My life was miserable and depressive. My daughter (16) lives with her dad as I can't look after her on my own I can't even look after myself. I was allowed supervised visits. And I didn't / don't cope well with my life and illnesses that are making my life worse on very little benefits constantly wishing to be dead. Barely surviving and constant anxiety of being homeless and worrying about money. I couldn't really afford my utility bills so I'd sit in the freezing cold in one moldy room with an energy saving lamp and a phone because I couldn't afford to run my TV, with my exes Netflix account. And just exist badly. And no amount of asking for help ever came. I had no friends. There's a waiting list a mile long even for social service assessment and unlikely if be awarded help more than getting me changed twice a day and really I didn't want someone coming and judging me. Unable to live. Eventually my mum moved to somewhere that suits her needs which is too far away for her to come visit me at all. And life was rapidly going down hill.. Trying to date but men don't want to be with THAT. Believe me I've had 13+ years of disabled means diseased and no one wanting to look after me.. Because that's the reality I'm a burden. My ex left me after my accident and my health started to decline. So.. Living with massive credit card debt I'll never be able to pay off. Unable to even get another credit card. Unable to have any kind of quality of life. And having to pay insane phone bills to just enquire for CAB help.. Which never helped, no one calls back and it's a struggle being so alone.

In a last ditch attempt I actually was ready to give up when I met this guy.. He's really not the best looks, didn't really believe in himself, and honestly i think he just didn't want to be alone... But then we fell for each other.. This guy came around and now thanks to me he has this crazy amazing job £££. Where he earns waaaay too much for me to be able to get benefits which means I can try and have my own Etsy shop - it's not going well but I have my own chance at independance.... A shot a financially being able to ear some money for myself. He pays all the bills. The rent, council tax, gas and electricity have now gone up so I couldn't even afford to stay in this shitty one bed bungalow if I was on my own is have to go live in some druggy flats because the council says that's where I really belong. My ADHD / Anxiety / Depression / Fibromiyalgia and other health diffociltions inc physically disabled and use 2 crutches to walk very short distances. I'd be an absolute mess. I'd have to give up having my daughter around, who now visits every other weekend.. Of her own choice and unsupervised. I'd have to give up my rescue dogs. I'd have to stop doing Etsy and having hope for myself and go back to just being on benefits existing badly. I'd struggle for food. I wouldn't have all the TV subscription services or PlayStation or the computer.. I would constantly be living in fear again of every little noise, struggling to do simple things and having absolutely no one and nothing. I'd be back to having no friends.. No family.. No life. At least with him it's almost like better the devil you know because the alternative of being without having to find someone else and all the rejection. Plus having to give up everything I had because I can't afford to live her, can't afford to move / removals.

I know I know.. Sounds awful like I'm using him for his money. But truth of it is if he wasn't constantly Cyber stalking his ex and mastrubsting over her then actually were really happy. He wants to spend every minute (outside of working and his inappropriate actions) with me. He is constantly looking after me, helping me, getting me the right help medically... We go places when I'm well enough. He takes care of me. I get to have clothes that aren't terrible China sweatshop that are bin worthy in 2 wears. And simple things like affording shampoo, soap, toothpaste, toiletries...... Without having to compromise on eating. Eating more than one shit meal a day. Gah again it looks like a money thing. But honestly outside of the one massive problem (his porn addiction / ED and obsession with a girl he knew from the Internet in another country once) all we do is laugh and be happy and plan a future and save up to get out this moldy shoe box and get a home that benefits my disabled needs because that's what he wants; to look after me and us to be a family.. He doesn't want to leave me.. Every time I try to end it he talks me round and not because my life would be utter shit but because he loves me and doesn't want to be without me..

But I feel so trapped. I am so in love with this guy who keeps hurting me. He says he would never cheat on me. Yet what he does online feels like cheating. He isn't going to change and I can't go back to barely surviving and being alone.

OP posts:
ZekeZeke · 04/07/2023 02:39

What are you asking?
Why another thread?

JeandeServiette · 04/07/2023 02:40

It might help to link the previous thread.

CharlotteRose90 · 04/07/2023 02:50

It is a money thing and you know it. You know you need to end this relationship as he isn’t over his ex but you won’t because of his money. Pretty selfish to be honest but I get why. He will never love you the way you want him too .

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 04/07/2023 03:10

I read your other thread. I'm not sure exactly what you're after? You don't need anyone's permission to stay with him. If you genuinely think your life is better with him than without him, then stay.

But use this time to future proof yourself. Get your business/Etsy shop as successful as possible - be realistic as to what you're selling, make changes as required, don't get hung up on what you want to sell, instead focus on what customers are buying. Get some savings in your own name (if you're not married you don't have a risk losing any of it if you break up). Do this actively, rather than passively.

Have a think of what else you would need to be financially independent and work forwards it.

Allmyghosts · 04/07/2023 03:22

I think realistically you can stay with him and give up caring about the online stuff, or split up. To stay with him and keep torturing yourself about what he is doing online will lead to disaster and and increasingly toxic mess, that will do real damage.

Him changing doesn't seem to be an option. Good luck

HoppingPavlova · 04/07/2023 03:55

All sounds completely dysfunctional.

Given everything you said, your complete inability to physically look after yourself and the fact that without someone else’s money you can’t afford to feed yourself, you thought adding rescue dogs to the mix was a good idea? What will you do if they become sick and need medical attention, or even just the routine medical necessaries, that’s not cheap? Flummoxed.

Justcallmebebes · 04/07/2023 05:36

HoppingPavlova · 04/07/2023 03:55

All sounds completely dysfunctional.

Given everything you said, your complete inability to physically look after yourself and the fact that without someone else’s money you can’t afford to feed yourself, you thought adding rescue dogs to the mix was a good idea? What will you do if they become sick and need medical attention, or even just the routine medical necessaries, that’s not cheap? Flummoxed.

This. I can't understand the rescue dogs either. Did you have them before?

pinkfondu · 04/07/2023 06:44

Your choice is chose to accept what's he's like or leave. Unfortunately lots of women are in the same position.

frozendaisy · 04/07/2023 07:34

Honestly OP in your position I would just ignore his internet wanking and enjoy your quality of life right now and spend your energy on trying to establish your Etsy shop whilst he pays the bills.

It's not ideal, but better than one meal in the dark and cold. People stay for much less.

tuvamoodyson · 04/07/2023 07:42

HoppingPavlova · 04/07/2023 03:55

All sounds completely dysfunctional.

Given everything you said, your complete inability to physically look after yourself and the fact that without someone else’s money you can’t afford to feed yourself, you thought adding rescue dogs to the mix was a good idea? What will you do if they become sick and need medical attention, or even just the routine medical necessaries, that’s not cheap? Flummoxed.

My thoughts exactly! That’s all that was needed….

UncleRadley · 04/07/2023 07:45

I was feeling a bit sorry for Liz not realising she has an obsessive stalker.

UndercoverCop · 04/07/2023 07:47

You have to get your head around this isn't love is a relationship of convenience seemingly for both of you.
If you're going to stay and I understand why you might you need to emotionally detach.
Plenty of people stay in relationships for companionship and pragmatic reasons.
I wouldn't but I'm not in your shoes. I have no disabilities a good career and I'm financially fully independent, I could live a good lifestyle with my DS on my own, so I am only in my marriage because I want to be. I am very aware of how privileged that is.

UndercoverCop · 04/07/2023 07:47

I do still feel sorry for Liz not knowing she has a wanking stalker

UndercoverCop · 04/07/2023 07:49

You also need to get an adult social care assessment. You have the time to wait now, you might not in future. If you get an assessment now and then find yourself having to leave your options will be different than if you haven't

FairAcre · 04/07/2023 07:54

HoppingPavlova · 04/07/2023 03:55

All sounds completely dysfunctional.

Given everything you said, your complete inability to physically look after yourself and the fact that without someone else’s money you can’t afford to feed yourself, you thought adding rescue dogs to the mix was a good idea? What will you do if they become sick and need medical attention, or even just the routine medical necessaries, that’s not cheap? Flummoxed.

This.

NoRegretsss · 04/07/2023 08:42

Going against the grain. I'd be turning a blind eye to his behaviour, putting my emotions for him aside so that I don't get hurt and build up the etsy shop. So that when you're successful at that, you can leave.

Life sounds tough for you. I've been there, lived in poverty and its not fun.

Crikeyalmighty · 04/07/2023 08:48

@NoRegretsss I totally agree. Not a great idea to have rescue dogs either if in a vulnerable position. I understand why people want to do something like this but it just complicates an already insecure situation

BeachBlondey · 04/07/2023 10:56

It sounds like you love each other, and that he takes very good care of you - and has rescued you from the bad situation that you were in previously.

The only downside is that he masturbates to stuff on line. Whilst it's not great, if you two can't have sex, then this is simply his outlet, and I would let it go.

Plenty of men watch stuff on-line, even when they have wives who give them plenty of sex. If you can't have sex, plus he's caring for you 24/7, then a bit of porn use doesn't seem to be the hill to die on.

BeachBlondey · 04/07/2023 10:59

And you say "my way of life is trapping me", but it's really your disability that is trapping you. Your partner isn't trapping you, it's quite the opposite - his kindness is allowing you to live the best life possible under the circumstances.

Why would you want to leave that security?

What do you bring to the table for him?

It's incredibly hard to find a good partner, let alone one who is willing to pay for everything and provide round the clock care. I have no idea why you would want to leave him, unless there is a big drip feed coming.

SadKendall · 04/07/2023 11:45

What do you mean by "thanks to me he has this crazy amazing job ££"?

CatsSnore · 04/07/2023 11:54

If I was in your position I would stay and ignore the Internet shit. It's not him trapping you, it's your disabilities and it sounds like it's a convenience thing for both of you. I wouldn't feel bad, he's buying your companionship as much as you're taking from him.

bracemyselfagain · 04/07/2023 11:57

BeachBlondey · 04/07/2023 10:59

And you say "my way of life is trapping me", but it's really your disability that is trapping you. Your partner isn't trapping you, it's quite the opposite - his kindness is allowing you to live the best life possible under the circumstances.

Why would you want to leave that security?

What do you bring to the table for him?

It's incredibly hard to find a good partner, let alone one who is willing to pay for everything and provide round the clock care. I have no idea why you would want to leave him, unless there is a big drip feed coming.

You need to read her previous post ... I dont know to post the link ... under relationships with title 'Cyber stalking ... Cheating ...'
Something along those lines.

bracemyselfagain · 04/07/2023 11:59

Cyber stalking his ex... Cheating..... www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4840968-cyber-stalking-his-ex-cheating

This post may make more sense if you read this ...

GrannieD · 04/07/2023 12:11

Just read your other post from yesterday where you comment on trying for a baby. Please make sure this doesn't happen.

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 04/07/2023 12:47

I have sympathy for 2 things here. Rescue dogs and possible baby should you ever conceive. Rescue dogs will end up back in a rescue, I don't even want to think about what could happen with a baby quite honestly. You claim to be unable to care for yourself but you're throwing animals and kids into the equation?