Everything is just falling apart

[CharChar91]

Hi, I'm sorry I don't know why I'm sharing this really. Partly because I don't have anyone to talk to and partly because I just need to get it off my chest.

I live with my fiance, 8 years together, 4 1/2 years engaged. We have two DC 5 and 4.

My house needs work, we bought it as a project but we don't have the money to do anything with it. It makes me miserable, I'm too embarrassed to have anyone round and we've moved half an hour away from my hometown where my parents and friend live. I feel so cut off here. It's in a small village with a very elderly population. We've been here 5 years and my DP refuses to move. Mortgage has just gone up £250/m.

I don't have any close friends, we've drifted apart and I long for a connection with other women.

My pet is approaching the end of her life.

My DP and I argue regularly, last time it was because he got very drunk following a day drinking with his new work mates, I was up dealing with him being sick when I had work the next day and I was dreading having to leave him with the children when he was hungover.

I hate my job. I've reduced my hours to a .5 contract spread over 3 days to fit in with the school runs as I do them. I don't earn enough to get by so I've had to pick up shifts at a pub Fri/sat/sun. I can't find another job that fits flexibly around school. DP has a job he's enjoying, FT, promotion on the horizon less than 6 months in, greater earning potential as he doesn't have to worry about school runs. I'm jealous of his freedom with work options.

Currently going through diagnosis for ADHD and Cushing's separately, neither process is quick.

I'm fat, ugly and I'm too exhausted to do anything about it. I used to be a fairly attractive young lady but now I just look awful. I'm embarrassed to see myself. I'm self conscious of bits on my body so I'm not using my gym membership.

I just feel so dreadfully unhappy, but where on earth do I start?

Sounds like you're going through a tough time, and sorry to hear about your pet 💐

Re where to start - use your gym membership. I promise you nobody will judge you, and frankly if they do, they have bigger problems. Start small, tell yourself you're going to do one class, or spend 10mins in the gym. You'll most likely end up staying longer, but if you don't, you won't have 'failed'.

Your DP needs to step up. Can you talk to him about how you're feeling? If he's not prepared to listen or try and help, I'd ask yourself if you should be with him, what's he offering?

Sometimes I feel it’s important to figure out what the biggest issue is or at least pick the first place to start rather than listing all of the issues. I do feel the kids starting school is an unappreciated big life change and a good point where a lot of us look at all of the things you’ve listed as we’ve finally got a few more hours and feel swamped.

the job one is somewhat simple - if you want a better job with more hours and more pay, your dp is going to need to do more pick ups and drop offs as is completely normal.

You start with a budget.
What's your priority? Doing the house up?
DH has to curb the drinking and spend money on the house of he refuses to move.
Your unhappy because you think you don't have any control of what's going on in your life.

You do have control.

It doesn't make sense to me you reduced your work hours then have to pick up extra hours at the weekend.
What sector do you work? Join agencies. Lots of places offer remote or Flexi working.
Why does your partner refuse to move?

Sorry about your pet, that is sad. :(

Re your body. Start small. Go for walks, get your hair cut (not necessarily coloured but a good cut makes all the difference). Exfoliate, drink water.

Hi op, that all sounds so difficult. I’m sorry you feel so unhappy. I know how daunting it is to be facing so many problems at once, you almost feel paralysed into inaction. I’ve been there.

I second starting with some form of exercise as a way to kill many birds with one stone. I’ve recently realised how important self care is to our self esteem. I joined a diet club (don’t really follow it properly but it’s really supportive group) and I’ve lost 3st since September last year. I recently joined an exercise class and the other women are so lovely and encouraging, it’s really good fun and I feel good that I’m looking after myself.

If you’re on FB, join a group called ‘Bridging the Gap’. It gives practical advice on getting partners to step up more and helps you undo the conditioning of having to do it all by virtue of you being a woman.

I’m sorry to hear about your pet. Sending love and strength. I hope things improve soon and you feel more in control

I hope this doesn't come across too rudely, but a significant proportion of the things on your list seem to be issues created by your partner. Why does he get to dictate that you're not moving? Why does he get to prioritise his career while you're stuck working around him? Why does he get to go out with his mates but you don't? Do you have access to the money that he's earning while you do his share of parenting his children or is there financial abuse too?

I would begin with prioritising human connection because the lack of that seems to be upsetting you a lot (understandably!) and because once you feel more supported you'll feel better able to tackle everything else. Half an hour isn't too far (I live 4hrs from my family), can you meet halfway for a coffee? Can you do video calls? (That's what I do.) Can you join the PTA/a running group/the local church to make more friends locally?

Well done for posting here - you have already started ☺️