Relationship break up unsure if I’m doing the right thing?

[firsttimer112]

Partner and I have been together 13 years and have an almost 2 year old. We have drifted a lot in the past 18 months or so, as I don’t believe he puts enough effort into parenting and we’re not the team I thought we’d be. He sees it that he works alot so that means he doesn’t need to do any early mornings etc. He’s a good dad on the one day he has our child whilst I’m at work but as soon as I’m home it’s all hands off deck for him. When I’ve brought it up in the past he’s made more effort for a few weeks but soon gone back to his old ways.

Anyway things came to a head recently.
He’s got a problem with alcohol which he won’t admit and has drank every day for at least the past year, and very frequently before then. Never a rolling drunk from morning till night but can’t go a full day without one.
I’ve asked him time and time again to cut down or stop altogether and I just get false promises that are never stuck to.

He also gambles and has previously gambled our bill money away and I’ve had to bail us out from some personal savings I had. Recently he told me he’d done this again and I just blurted out this relationship is done. I am so angry and can’t quite believe he’s done this again, but in the same breath I’m not surprised either I feel like I’ve been waiting for another f*ck up!

I felt quite flat and matter of fact when I first said it, now don’t know if I’ve done the right thing by saying it’s over as I feel awful. But I also don’t know if I could put up with this anymore. I don’t really know the point of this post other than to just let it all out. Has anyone been in a similar situation?

You are doing the right thing. This is only going to get worse and he is going to drag you and your child down with him. He is gambling away money that you need for bills, to make sure your child has everything they need.

What are your options for leaving him?
Where could you go? What is the housing situation currently - do you own the house together?

@huntingcunting we do own the house together. At the minute we’ve decided to coparent at the house with the view to selling it once we are both a bit more financially settled. I could move in with parents as a last resort but don’t want to disrupt my son too much if I don’t need to. Partner doesn’t have anywhere else to go either. Keeping things civil at the minute but not sure if this is making it harder and making me second guess myself as we’re just carrying on as we have been

@firsttimer112

Are you able to remove his access to the joint bank account used for bills so at least you have the reassurance you can pay your mortgage/bills without worrying he's gambled it away? Do you have joint savings accounts that he could raid? Does he have access to your own personal savings - if so you might want to remove his access there too. If you personally have high value items like jewellery you might want to get them put somewhere safe out if the house also with someone you trust. 🌹

@Newestname002 i don’t think he would steal anything as in items, there’s nothing of great value anyway. With the bank accounts they’re not joint, all the most important bills like mortgage etc come out of my account and he transfers me his wages on pay day. He has other debts which I didn’t want to have my name tied to.

Very sadly, I think you are doing the right thing op. You’ve baled him out once and then he went and did it again. Both the drinking and the gambling are likely to escalate and your dc will be affected. Better to put a firm boundary in now and save any more heartache.

Tbh though, I think I would sell the house as quickly as possible, even if it means moving in with your parents for a while. If he isn’t prepared to be responsible as a married man, I doubt he will start saving now he knows you are divorcing.

In other words he might start blowing it all and decide not to contribute to the mortgage.

I was the child of a functioning alcoholic. He was a lovely man underneath, but it has dreadful repercussions on a child’s emotional wellbeing. Please, please split up and stay split up.

I know it’s the right thing to do deep down, I’m just gutted it’s come to this and feel scared of what the future holds for us both. I’m the child of divorce and wish my mum had left sooner but it’s hard when you’re actually in the situation. Thankfully we’re not married so no legal ties other than the house

Good news, you are not married, his debts are his own.
You need to decide if you can buy him out of the house and manage to pay the mortgage alone.
Apply to CMS for support.
You are 100% doing the tight thing for a. Your Child and b. Yourself.

@ZekeZeke sadly can’t afford to buy him out or pay the mortgage on my own as I only work part time, I’d need the profit from the house to get me started elsewhere