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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

32 years and children but is it over?

18 replies

Rdy2Go · 03/07/2023 18:28

I am embarrassed and feel totally pathetic posting this and I am sorry but just having a bad day and asking for honest advice. We are married for 32 years and children. For the last 14 years DW has not willingly touched me. Not even holding hands, nothing. I have tried to discuss but met with point blank refusal. All more subtle hints ignored. Outside world thinks we are a happy couple but my heart has been broken for a while. I don’t want to hurt anyone, not DW and not precious DC. I have not had any affairs but I ache for affection. I feel like I am going to blown away or laughed off these boards but it’s true so I said it.

OP posts:

Dillydollydingdong · 03/07/2023 18:31

No, well, affection is an absolute necessity if a relationship is to survive and flourish. There's no point otherwise. How old are the children? They must be adult if you've been with DW for 32 years?

Original poster

Rdy2Go · 03/07/2023 19:00

Hi. Teenagers … IVF babies so life gets delayed sometimes

OP posts:

TomatoSandwiches · 03/07/2023 19:02

Why do you think she is no longer affectionate, you must have an idea.

UpToMyElbowsInDiapers · 03/07/2023 19:05

I should hope you wouldn’t be laughed off these boards!

Do you know what changed 14 years ago? (It’s a very specific number, so I’m assuming there was some sort of precipitating event?)

Have you ever had couples counselling about this? 14 years is a long time. In your wife’s position, I would probably find I had a mental block about re-initiating touching after so long. I don’t think I could bring myself to do it without some sort of external help. I found it hard enough just a few months after having kids. Maybe worth considering.

Original poster

Rdy2Go · 03/07/2023 19:05

One of the saddest things is that you wonder was everything before based on a lie? We got married quire quickly … I wonder if she regrets that. I’m sorry I’m not looking for a pity party. Whatever is wrong it’s on me too at least 50% prob more. Some days it just hits you harder than others

OP posts:

Original poster

Rdy2Go · 03/07/2023 19:08

Thanks up to my elbows. You are prob spot on. It’s so long it would prob take some external help but if we can’t even talk to acknowledge that we have this thing between us … what hope of reaching out for help?

OP posts:

Original poster

Rdy2Go · 03/07/2023 19:12

DW is a really great person pls don’t get me wrong. I’m not trying to be too pathetic but it just gets really, really lonely.

OP posts:

Original poster

Rdy2Go · 03/07/2023 19:15

Sorry just reread msg above. 14 years ago last baby., I was ill out of the blue , nearly died etc and we both lost some people close to us. It was a hellish

OP posts:

Mari9999 · 03/07/2023 19:20

@Rdy2Go
You are living with a spouse effectively out of convenience. You can't possibly have a clue as to what feelings this woman may have for you, and after all this time you probably need to examine your feelings for her.

You should probably seek counseling to explore and analyze what if any feelings that you may or may not have for her. It may be that this limbo or indifferent state is all that remains between the 2 of you.

You are likely together because of inertia and convenience; that is not love but for some it is enough.

UpToMyElbowsInDiapers · 03/07/2023 19:22

It sounds like you’ve never come back from that nightmare year of loss and illness, which is understandable, and that it set a new pattern for your relationship that you’ve both followed ever since.

Crazy question, but have you at any point told your wife outright that the lack of physical intimacy isn’t working for you? Not in an accusatory way, but just as a statement of fact?

Original poster

Rdy2Go · 03/07/2023 19:33

Thanks foryourhonestyguys. Up to my elbows … I have tried to say could we talk about things but the reply has always been “stop putting pressure on me”. And that has not been about sex it’s just to try to talk about the elephant in the room. Everything said above is no doubt true. Mea Culpa … it is prob all down to me … I’m the one writing this so it’s me who has a problem. I really appreciate you being kind enough to reply to me. I don’t know what to do but it means something to say it to another human being. Thanks and take care

OP posts:

Blobblobblob · 03/07/2023 19:50

It does sound a lot like you guys went through hell and she shut down as a coping mechanism. Maybe it feels too painful for her to open that box up again.

I'm not qualified to offer advice, but I do truly think that a good first step for you would be to seek some professional counselling for yourself to help you navigate what's ahead.

I'm sorry for all you've both been through and wish you peace and future happiness.

Original poster

Rdy2Go · 03/07/2023 19:54

@Blobblobblob thanks for your kindness. I know better people than me have bigger problems. I know some kind of counselling would be a start but to be honest I think she would refuse and after so many rejections implicit and explicit I don’t know if I have the courage to raise it

OP posts:

Superdupes · 03/07/2023 19:55

You're correct all this self blame and woe is me, is frankly pathetic - I wouldn't want to have sex with someone like that either. Tell your wife that you understand she doesn't want sex with you, but you still want sex so you want to have an open marriage. Isn't that what you want? You say you haven't had an affairs as though you should be applauded or something -why on earth do you think we'd assume you had?

Original poster

Rdy2Go · 03/07/2023 20:00

@Superdupes fair enough. I wanted to some honest opinion so appreciate it.

OP posts:

FlyingMonkeyNever · 03/07/2023 20:09

Sorry, I’m going to be harsh.

Tell her you both need to attend couple counselling together or it’s over. Ultimatums tend to work as a last ditch attempt at making changes, but only if you follow through on them.

14 years is a very long time and you had an awful year back then but you obviously can’t go on like this. Your DW at least needs to discuss the situation you have both found yourselves in.

beenwhereyouare · 03/07/2023 20:13

Superdupes · 03/07/2023 19:55

Are you his wife?

Something about OP's posts has triggered a really bitter response from you; ask yourself what that might be? Are you withholding affection from someone? Or maybe something similar has been done to you?

Nothing in his posts sounds as though @Rdy2Go wants an open marriage- that's something you inferred and not something he implied.

I hope that whatever hurt you've suffered heals.

beenwhereyouare · 03/07/2023 20:25

@Rdy2Go

Individual counseling for you is what is being suggested. Not to solve her problems, but to help you to handle this and make the best decisions for yourself and your kids.

This situation must give them a warped view of marriage. Is this withholding of affection something you'd want to happen to DC? Or see them treat someone that way?

Please stop taking so much blame for this. Whatever has caused it, you've tried to discuss it or make it right. If she refuses to discuss it, you cannot make her do so. All you can do is work on becoming strong enough to help yourself. No one deserves to be treated so coldly.

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