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Original poster

Anxiety about settling down

8 replies

James637 · 03/07/2023 17:07

So recently I’m getting bad anxiety and panic attacks around the subject of settling down and possibly having kids. I’m a 34 year old man and all my friends are settled, and some with kids.

I speak to my parents about this and they say it’s not normal to be this anxious about it. I don’t agree!!! It’s shit scary of thinking I won’t meet someone and that I’ll be the strange guy that everyone wonders what’s up with him!!

I do have anxiety and on meds for it, but I feel like this is normal anxiety that’s justified.

Tell me I’m normal?? Haha

OP posts:
Wimpeyspread · 03/07/2023 17:10

You sound like my son - no I don’t think it’s normal, maybe try and analyse exactly what it is that scares you about settling down and/or get some counselling to get to the bottom of it

ChiliBeanz · 03/07/2023 17:15

You’re normal, it’s not unheard of to want to stay free and single. I’m 33 and I have plenty of friends the same age, guys and girls, who aren’t married, no kids, and aren’t planning on it. People sometimes want freedom for the future and if that’s what you want that’s normal. Don’t compare yourself too much to those of your mates who have those things, it doesn’t mean you’re living any less of a meaningful life. Is this causing you anxiety on its own, or do you have anxiety about other stuff? Try not to overthink it and just enjoy your time now! Maybe in the future you’ll meet someone and if you do great, if you don’t, not the end of the world!

Original poster
James637 · 03/07/2023 17:23

Wimpeyspread · 03/07/2023 17:10

You sound like my son - no I don’t think it’s normal, maybe try and analyse exactly what it is that scares you about settling down and/or get some counselling to get to the bottom of it

Hahaha so the kids bit scares me, the settling down bit not so much but it’s more that I won’t meet someone and I’ll get to 40’s and then everyone is suspicious of you being single and thinks there’s something up!

OP posts:
Original poster
James637 · 03/07/2023 17:26

ChiliBeanz · 03/07/2023 17:15

You’re normal, it’s not unheard of to want to stay free and single. I’m 33 and I have plenty of friends the same age, guys and girls, who aren’t married, no kids, and aren’t planning on it. People sometimes want freedom for the future and if that’s what you want that’s normal. Don’t compare yourself too much to those of your mates who have those things, it doesn’t mean you’re living any less of a meaningful life. Is this causing you anxiety on its own, or do you have anxiety about other stuff? Try not to overthink it and just enjoy your time now! Maybe in the future you’ll meet someone and if you do great, if you don’t, not the end of the world!

I have anxiety about stuff like my parents dying but generally it’s all about this! It’s like the one thing I haven’t got in my life, and I think it’s like the main thing really as relationships are the most important thing at the end of the day.

I watched a Joe Rogan episode the other day and he was talking about guys who never settle down and they get to like 70 and are like ‘is this it’ because they’ve got no children, partner and their family and parents have gone. It gave me the shudders!!!

OP posts:
StrawberryRainbows · 04/07/2023 11:01

Relationships are not the most important thing in life and be all end all. Live your life and enjoy it. Find out who you are and just continue doing what you love.

I'm sure someone will come along while you're enjoying your hobbies and it will flow naturally without you feeling anxious about it.

What do you enjoy doing? Hobbies?

Original poster
James637 · 04/07/2023 16:15

Sorry I have to disagree here. Relationships are the most important part of life, human connection is what life is about.

But thank you for the encouragement! I enjoy golf, tennis, skiing. I have a lot of hobbies but it doesn’t seem make me anymore as ease meeting organically vs dating apps when I meet someone, I’m already thinking ‘where’s this going’ after two dates 🙈

OP posts:
Ceriane · 04/07/2023 19:47

You sound just like me, I worried and obsessed about this stuff for years in my 30’s and put so much pressure on myself to find the one by a certain age because I didn’t want to have “failed” or for other people to judge/pity me. I realised you can’t force things like love on demand, so I adopted the attitude of I’m happy to just be me and if I meet someone I want to be with along the way then that’s amazing. I also had a lot of health issues that made it difficult to date, especially if they lived a distance and it had to fall lower on my list of priorities because of that. I’m happy with my mindset about love etc, I think about it differently to how I used to as in you have to have the relationship, wedding and baby in the bag by 35 or at least 40, but I have come across people who do think like that and do judge me…..I’ve had people think they have the right to say some pretty shockingly hurtful things just because I’m not with someone, but you have to live how feels natural to you, if you meet someone you really want to be with, you won’t feel like you’re forcing it, stupid social pressure causes a lot of people to make bad decisions or to feel anxious and worried like we have.

Ceriane · 04/07/2023 20:00

Also relationships are important but relationships can mean family and friends, not just romantic relationships which should be born out of feelings not from pressure to conform to ticking boxes such as making sure you tick the marriage and baby boxes. I feel quite strongly about all this as think okay the social norms may come naturally and work well for some for others it just causes a lot of pressure and anxiety and also is the reason why some people get into or stay in unhappy relationships with people they don’t love. I have severe anxiety as well and this issue has caused me a lot of distress at times.

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