Cyber stalking his ex... Cheating.....

[ThatMumBecky]

Unsure what to do.. I wish "break up" wasn't the answer to everything.....

At Christmas I was on our computer when my partner got his new phone. He backed his old phone up to Google for easier transfer / installing stuff on his new phone. When Google photos flashed up saying his Google photos had been backed up and it flashed up with this naked picture of a Internet girl, Liz he had a relationship with before we got together 5 years or so ago.. She was married, still is, but they'd sext all the time... Flirt.. Fantasise about if they could be together.. Their wedding, holidays, kids and pet names.. Etc.. Etc.. It ended for them when she wouldn't leave her husband for my now partner especially since she lives in America and us in the UK. Anyways.. So I clicked on it and there's thousands of pictures of her, his best friend who's from Auz, his ex, other friends of ours, but mostly HER all saved from Instagram, twitter, Facebook, tumblr etc etc.. Pictures in underwear, swimwear, near nude, thirst trap, pinup, sexy... Anyways I'd had him block Liz at the beginning of our relationship as he was still masterbating over her nudes despite they hadn't spoken in over a year.. And this is how I found out about her and their past. We did break up.. And I spoke to his best friend about it, even told her about what he had been doing to her bikini pics and he told her my ex hacked my account and was trying to cause shit. No more was said about it. But then we talked and we got back together..

Anyways so it's just before Christmas and I took photos of the computer screen. Video of it. As he's been saving every single picture she posts on her socials of her for years.. Even ones of her and her husband with him cropped out. She posts a lot of underwear pics, pin-up, thirst trap, kink pictures, gym and swim suit.. Etc.. Etc.. I was very upset. He at first tried to say he didn't know how they go there.. Then he has an app auto set up to save her pictures but he forgot about it.. Then someone else / I had saved them to cause a fight.. Eventually he admitted that he looks at her like he looks at porn. It doesn't mean anything. Well one huge argument later.. We talked things through.. He deleted all the pictures, inc from the recycle bin. Blocked her on all socials, while I watched. And grovelled..

January. I was in our bedroom when his bedside drawer started vibrating. I looked to see what was going on and discovered he's been using his old phone to look at and save pictures of Liz and the odd pic of other people but every single pic Liz has posted to her socials again. And he's now screenshotting her (brand new) TikTok and downloading her videos. TikTok history shows he's been watching her videos daily for the past week. While other socials showed he'd been searching for her and she was unblocked on everything.... I confronted him about it. And of course firstly I'm in trouble for snooping.. I explained he'd forgotten to turn the phone off before he left for work and that he'd hidden it and was doing this on his old phone because he knows it's wrong. Second he denied doing it it was either old stuff.. Or I had done this to cause a fight.. Finally he apologised for it, but still adamant he didn't do it. He swore he wokldnt any more. He then got home from work he showed me that she is blocked on everything so how could he have done it? Even though he apologised! ..and later while I was asleep he formatted the phone so the evidence was gone..!! And I no longer had free access to his socials (despite his password is Liz's birthday!!). I mean I took pictures and video with my phone...... But yeh. We worked things out and for a while things seemed really good with us.

Until one late May morning I woke up and he was on his phone looking at Liz's Instagram. I watched as he saved her pictures to his dropbox.. He then blocked her again, exited out the apps and proceeded to wake me up for sex........ I was already awake and I hit the roof. I told him what I'd just seen and he said that I must of dreamed it.. He didn't at all do that!! She's blocked!! I explained I'd just watched him.. I made him log into his dropbox and when he did the pictures weren't there (so clearly he has a secret email and a secret dropbox account?). We argued but he insisted I'd dreamed the whole thing!!

About a week later I was on my Instagram and if flashed up with "people you make know, because other people you know (my fiance and 2 of our friends) are following Liz". What?! So I outright asked him, while in bed next to him. "Why are you following Liz on Instagram?" he said he isn't, she's still blocked. So I made him pull up Instagram and sure enough she isn't blocked and he is following her.. He instantly and adamantly told me that I had done this to cause shit!! What! When? How did I even unlock his phone which he keeps with him 24/7........ I told him how I can't log on on his pc; despite I knowing her birthday/his password is her birthday because he has 2 factor authentication on it so he would have had a phone notification.... So definitely wasn't me. Then as he exited out of Instagram it showed open apps including twitter which was actively open on her twitter page on one of her pictures!! I said "and I suppose I did that too". He said nothing, swiped that off too and then asked what I was talking about. I said how I just saw her on his twitter and he said he thinks I see what I want to see!! I hit him, threw my engagement ring at him and stormed off to the kitchen. While putting my shoes on he said he's really sorry, it was a moment of weakness and he only looked at her he didn't save her pictures or anything. We talked for hours... Thing is he has a world of women to look at, masterbate to.. I've given up trying to stop him because his porn addiction / ED he won't stop.. He uses his ED as an excuse to masterbate to porn to relieve frustration of not being able to pleasure me / stay long enough as we're trying for a baby.. Or we were.. (even though I 100% think his ED with me is because of porn). Anyways he won't get help.. But the few people (exes and friends) I've asked him not to look at he can't manage that!?! So we talked.. And we agreed for the sake of our relationship he is done with her. I am who he wants. He gave me my ring back. And he was in shock as I'm the most anti-violent.. Never hit anyone before I won't even hit my dog.

2 weeks later I'm starting to feel "OK" when I am on our/his computer editing videos when Google photos pops up "your Google photos are backed up" and there is another sodding picture of Liz. I clicked on it and looked and it was literally from her today's Instagram stories!! Along with 2 pictures from her feed yesterday. I again took photos sent them to him and confronted him about the fact he is STILL doing this. He instantly deleted them and said that they're old pictures and he doesn't know how they got on there!! I went into his Google photos bin and was met by dozens of pictures all screenshot with in the last 2 weeks... I showed him that every photo info shows his phone, screenshot while he was at work, the dates and times and his phone ID. He instantly turned round and said I'd done it.. Then said that he doesn't know how they're on there.. Then when I showed him they're pictures from her latest posts this week and her today's stories.. He then phoned me and said he was really sorry, he said how he just likes to look at her tits.. He doesn't see what the big deal is and he had to go as he's got a meeting but we will talk tonight and he really loves me. He hung up.. Then did a 180 and texted me showing me she's blocked. Insisting he didn't save those pics because she's blocked. He then showed me he had deleted everyone / her from his search history and promised he had no saved pics or videos of her or anyone other than me, which I know he doesn't have.. Theres no pics of me on any of his social medias. He doesn't like his picture taken. I'm not even his phone wallpaper any more.. Anyways I said I'm done with second chances I've had enough. He had to go into a meeting and we would talk when he was home. In the meantime I got some upsetting news my dad has had a heart attack and needed surgery for a blood clot. I wasn't in the mood to talk about Liz. So we just didn't talk about it.

About a week later / this Thursday I noticed she was in his search bar again on Instagram, she was the only person he has searched for.. I didn't feel upto another fight so said nothing but it's bugged me ever since. Yesterday (Sunday) I was having a lay in and the doorbell went, it was our ASDA food delivery and he went to answer the door.. But he left his phone on the bed, unlocked. I know I shouldn't but I snooped...and he has been searching for Liz on Instagram, twitter, tumblr and tiktok. And she's of course unblocked on all of them social medias... I heard him coming up to ask me to give him a hand with the shopping so I quickly closed all apps, locked his phone and pretend I was asleep. But it's rotting away at me that she's unblocked and he's been looking AGAIN but I know if I say anything I'll be 1. In trouble for snooping and 2. He will just say I unblocked her to cause shit.... I can't help myself, it's driving me mad.. Today I went on the computer to legitimately video edit and it says he's logged out and needs to log back in. I logged in and it says he changed his password 2 weeks ago, dated day after I saw her pics on his Google photos!! So he's deliberately hiding things.....

I can't be mad because he is entitled to his privacy. But also he is hiding things and breaking promises and I don't know what to do........ I know if she was single and they lived in the same country they'd most likely be together. And outside of this our relationship is actually amazing we don't fight, we get on so well and when he's not at work (or looking at Liz) we spend nearly every second we can together.. His choice. But clearly he's obsessed with her.. And doesn't even care how I feel. And it's now driving me to snoop and be constantly thinking about it......

I don't know. I don't wona hear break up.. Leave him.. End it.. I just wish there was another option here........ Thanks for letting me vent.

Bex x

I feel so sorry for you OP that you think so little of yourself that you'd put up with this specimen who cant even have sex with you because he has death grip from 'wanking over some woman's tits' (as he so nicely put it)

You don't need to leave. But you do need to accept that he is never going to change. He'd sooner have a fake relationship with a catfish social media profile than a real relationship with you.

Honestly I got bored of you telling the same story over and over again!! I really don't mean that in a nasty way, I just mean it's the same thing every time and I genuinely can't believe you're just giving him chance after chance after chance and allowing yourself to be mugged off repeatedly.

He's an asshole. He cares more about getting off to Liz's pictures than he does about your feelings AND getting off to you. And you just staying with him means he thinks he can just keep doing it because you won't go anywhere (which you've proven to him multiple times)!

I can't imagine you're going to listen. If his wanking to Liz's photos and lying to you isn't enough to convince you then the many MANY women on here who will definitely be saying ltb isn't going to either.. but my strong advice is to get away from this man and find someone else. He's never going to change and you're wasting your life being second best to PHOTOS of another human being. Sorry for your pain op, I hope you manage to muster the courage to leave him.

Would you consider having some counselling to look at how you manage boundaries in relationships and self esteem?

You can't change other people but you can work on changing yourself and how you feel and deal with things.

It's doomed OP. I know this isn't what you want to hear but look at the facts.

He's obsessed with his ex to the point he's cyber stalking her and wanking over her pictures and because he's presumably continuously jacking off to her images it's leaving your sex life with him in the trash.

If you stay, you need to accept this. Quite how you do this without having your own self esteem completely obliterated, I do not know.

At the very least, would you consider going for therapy on your own to talk to someone who can help you unpick why you feel you don't deserve better and to help you figure out the best way forwards for you to put yourself on a better trajectory in life than this current one?

Do you honestly believe that you will be less happy on your own than in this dreadful relationship? If so, why?

If this is what's happening, you know what you need to do (and should've done several times ago OP.)

Crikey, this is miserable. I got halfway through the OP and felt so fed up, how is this your life? He will never change, as you won’t enforce boundaries, he doesn’t believe you’ll leave. So it’s time to decide if you should ‘put up and shut up’ or leave and work on yourself and building your confidence to raise your bar. No one deserves this treatment.

To clarify, is she even an ex? Like someone he had a real relationship with in the past? Or just an internet fling with a married woman on the other side of the world? Id thought the latter but not sure...... If thats all shes every been and he s treating you like this over something thats always only ever been some silly fantasy thats even worse imo!

You have given him chance after chance after chance after chance...he does nothing but gaslight you and have zero respect for you. You literally have two choices..1) dump him, pack his stuff and tell him to fuck off and while he's wanking over Liz you hope his dick falls off. 2) you put up with it. Hes never going to change so if you don't want to split up with him you'll just have to accept that hes obsessed with this woman and you'll sadly be second best.

It’s really not fair to bring a child into this mess. Poor kid having a dirty wanking man like that for a dad.

The answer is leave because he's fucking disgusting but, if you stay, accept you'll never be important to him. He'll never stop perving over her or any other woman in a bikini. You'll never have a decent sex life because he'll always be wanking over other women. When you're in labour, or giving birth, or recovering from it, he'll be thinking about wanking over other women.

Your standards are so low they are actually nonexistent. It's truly shocking.

I won't bother to tell you to leave this absolute shitbag of a man because I know you won't. You will and have swallowed any and all horrible behaviour he can dish out. Over and over and over. You will continue to do so, and your life will completely suck because of it.

You are your own worst enemy. You could have a beautiful life and you're totally wasting it on an unhinged sexual deviant. Yours is one of the saddest posts I've read on MN.

It's horrifying that you would willingly bring a child into the world with this man as their father.

Wow, he just tells lie after lie. Why do you still believe him when he says he’ll stop? He has no respect for you, so you need to find some self-respect and get out of the relationship before he destroys what little self esteem you have left.

Well he’s clearly obsessed with another woman. And is repeatedly lying and gaslighting you. If you can live with that then crack on and get married. He won’t change.

I had a similar-ish issue. Not to the same extent. But discovered a whole load of photos my partner had been saving on his phone. This was a couple of months ago.

We started seeing a counsellor who spelled it out very clearly to my partner that that kind of behaviour is creepy, weird and not ok. I'm not sure how he had justified it to himself before but it appeared to be a lightbulb moment.

Too early to say whether it'll happen again. It has caused a massive dent in my self esteem and plays on my mind daily. But I want to give it a go.

Would counselling be an option for you? It would require your partner to be on board and for him to accept that his actions are unacceptable.

Break up and get a therapist. This is INSANE.

and… Never hit anyone before I won't even hit my dog. I bloody hope not.

He's a crank. He's stalking her and using her as wank material while he can't get it up for you. You aren't second best to an actual real person. Your second best to pictures of a real person. Honestly, you know where you stand. You've been standing in the same position for a long time and tolerating it. You can continue to tolerate it or leave. Although, if you do leave him be sure to delete all images of yourself off his computer and block him on all avenue. If Liz gets wise to his creepy stalker weirdness you might be next.

He sounds sooooo weird? You've told him a million times to stop and he still doesn't. He gaslights you and even blames you for finding out about his wrongdoings? I know you don't wanna hear it but get out asap, he'll only keep doing it and will eventually just get smart enough at hiding it that you'll think it's stopped. Also don't we all want a man that can actually get it up?
Come on girl

I gave up counting at the seventh time you let him off with wanking over his ex. He won't stop. Why should he? You know he's doing it, he knows that you know he's doing it and you've decided to stay with him anyway. You may as well just pass the tissues and let him crack on.

He's a serial liar and an addict. For the love of god, do not have a baby with this man. He doesn't love you, he's addicted to Liz porn, and has no respect for you.
Sorry, that was harsh, but it's the truth. You've given him every chance to make this right and he's lied and lied and lied. He will never stop.
Please leave him and find a man who is worthy of you.

He looked at her pics and then turned around and asked you for sex? Without any of the rest of it, that's grounds to leave. And then you have the rest of it.

He’s obsessed with someone he used to be in a relationship with.

He doesn’t respect you, which means he cannot love you. Whatever eventual ‘ happy ever after’ you’re imagining, it just can’t happen without love and respect. He will never realise you’re the one. He won’t be grateful that you stood by him while he sorted his head out.
There are only two endings for you here:

1. finish with him and give yourself a chance to be in a healthy relationship
2. stay with him. He’ll continue to betray you. You’ll nearly leave but he’ll convince you that you are the one he loves! You’ll get married or have a baby, and one day you’ll find out he’s never changed. By that time you’ll be too dependent on him, or your self esteem eroded so badly that you won’t be able to easily leave. Worst case scenario, you spend many, many years wondering why you didn’t leave when it was easier.

Sorry op, but this. Don’t leave if you don’t want but don’t moan when he doesn’t change, because he won’t. This is who he is. You are worth more. Raise your bar.

Please stop and wake up!

He’s infatuated with ‘Liz’ have some self respect and leave this horrendous male.

Please please do not have a baby with him, get out now whilst you can.

Your OP is exhausting to read, I didn't read it all as it was the same story, time after time. As another poster said if you don't want to break up then you just need to leave him to it. He's clearly never going to stop.. I would walk away if I was you.