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Relationships

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Original poster

Baby Dilemma

25 replies

CocaCola445 · 03/07/2023 15:53

Looking for some advice.. my partner and I have been together since we were 16, now 22&24. For context, both got great jobs with good progression and bought our first home last summer, all is going well and couldn’t be happier.

We have spoken about stating a family in the past but very much in passing as we were young and studying, feeling very much being that it would be nice much further down the line.

Today I found out my sister is pregnant and I am overjoyed for her however it got us starting on the topic of us starting a family. He was very hesitant basically saying he doesn’t think he wants kids anymore. Realising I was upset he backtracked saying maybe in 10 years or so but he’s not sure.

Heres where I am struggling, we both love kids and spending time with them and I struggle to see a future without a family but equally cannot see one without him. Am I unreasonable in thinking at 22 he is likely to change his mind as he grow older ? This has really upset me and made me panic for my future, but on the other hand so much could change over the next few years.

Does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:

DustyLee123 · 03/07/2023 15:56

My advice, and you won’t like it, is that you’re far too young to be worrying about it. There’s so much life to live, and world to see, before you have kids.
Id agree on when you will revisit this subject, and see where he’s at.

Twizbe · 03/07/2023 15:57

This is hard because you’re both still so very young.

If you were 32 and 34 I’d be telling you to move on because you want different things. At 22 and 24 he could well really be saying he doesn’t want children now, which isn’t too crazy a statement.

Do you have plans to get married? That might be his logical next step.

FWIW I met my husband at 19, we were not ready to have a family until our late 20s

Whataretheodds · 03/07/2023 15:57

He might change his mind, he might not.

If he doesn't, and if this is a dealbreaker for you, what do you want to spend the next 5 years doing?

Hungryfrogs23 · 03/07/2023 15:59

It's a difficult one as no-one can actually answer it. The truth is that he might change his mind, he might not. There is no way of knowing at this stage. But you're still young so up to you if you want to wait and revisit the conversation in a set amount of years time and see if his views are different. But you have to do that understanding that he may not, and you may have waited for no reason if kids are a deal breaker for you.

Original poster

CocaCola445 · 03/07/2023 16:20

DustyLee123 · 03/07/2023 15:56

I actually do like this advice! I was hoping it is a case of panicking about the future unecessarily and it is normal to not be sure at this age - thank you!

OP posts:

ChiliBeanz · 03/07/2023 16:56

You guys are so young! And kids are such hard work! Enjoy your free time together, the sleep ins, the nights out, doing what you like when you like. You both deffo have 10 years of freedom ahead before starting a family. I think he could change his mind because he’s simply so young now. Offer to mind your sisters baby for a weekend , I think you’ll change your mind and want to wait too!!

Peony654 · 03/07/2023 16:58

DustyLee123 · 03/07/2023 15:56

This! Enjoy your 20s.

mindutopia · 03/07/2023 17:48

When I was 22, I definitely wanted kids, but definitely in 10 years or so. I think you are very young to be having a house and thinking about kids. Go and enjoy your life! Re-visit closer to 30. In the meantime, don't be tied, go travel, live different places, try out different jobs, meet new people. I lived in 4 countries between 22 and when I finally settled down, got married and had a baby (and not in the same country where I started). I had a totally different career than I thought I'd have. Enjoy being an auntie and talk to your sister realistically about what it's really like having a baby (I suspect it will definitely make you grateful for all the freedom you have now).

Hollyppp · 03/07/2023 20:55

What age do you want to have children at? Say it’s 29, I would check in with him at 27 to see what his thoughts are. Personally if I got a no or a wishy washy answer I would be considering the future of the relationship

Jogonmagpies · 03/07/2023 21:00

I didn't want kids until I was 30 and now I have two. My next door neighbours are both 20 and just had their first baby. Everyone is different.

He might change his mind, he might not. If you're happy to wait a few years, then do some living and wait to see of he changes his mind.

renthead · 03/07/2023 21:06

I agree that you should see where you are in 5 years, at 27 and 29. If he still can't see kids, you will have to think about your future together, and you'll still be young enough to move on to someone else who does want them.

It does seem like you're doing adult life on fast forward compared to the "norm"- definitely just slow down and enjoy each other for now!

FuckTheLemonsandBail · 04/07/2023 08:52

I think that if he's sure now he doesn't want kids he's unlikely to change, especially as he's in a longterm relationship where he can envisage what it might be like. Different to a guy who has never had a girlfriend saying it, not being able to imagine it.

If you think you'd like kids earlier than that then I would personally consider letting him know that this is a dealbreaker for you and then end the relationship if in six months or so he still knows he doesn't want to have kids.

I don't think 22/24 is young at all, I didn't have my kid until 31 but I KNEW at 22 I wanted them, DH was 24 when we met and he KNEW he wanted kids in the next few years. Know loads of couples who've had them when the dad is mid twenties. It's not sixteen. He's an adult.

'Maybe in ten years' 'Maybe never' will absolutely break your heart when you get to the age where you're ready to try, everyone else is having babies, and you're still waiting on a 'maybe in a few years' from him.

Neither of you are right or wrong but I wouldn't recommend staying in a relationship where you know you both want different things. If you stay then you're choosing to take that gamble that he'll change his mind, as long as you know it might not pay off then fair enough, you can always split late twenties and still have time to meet someone who wants kids if that's what you want.

Just be careful. Everyone I know who definitely didn't want kids in their early twenties remained certain of it. People can change their mind but I wouldn't bet on it. People know what they want and if you're spending time around kids he knows what it's like and doesn't want that. The urge to not have kids is as powerful as the urge to have them and I suspect it took a lot for him to break it to you he doesn't want kids anymore, or maybe in such a faraway time (which will feel like forever to him now but won't feel good if you get to 32 and he's like ah, no).

Tough choice OP, it's up to you.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 04/07/2023 08:56

Just park it for a few years and revisit at maybe 26 or so. I've been with dh since we were teens and I wanted dc done by 30 so we both kind of had that in mind. If at 26 he still had the mindset of "maybe in 10 years" I'd have left. But not at 22.

rainbowstardrops · 04/07/2023 09:16

I can understand that you're both still really young and he's probably terrified of the idea of having children any time soon but I think it's the fact he said he doesn't think he wants children now that would bother me.
So what if you leave it for another 5+ years and he still doesn't want any then you're so much further down the line.
I think you both need to seriously consider what you want from life.

Gateappreciation · 04/07/2023 09:20

i don’t think age has anything to do with it. This is a pretty serious ‘confession ‘ for your partner to make, especially if he’s never indicated this before.

Ten years - he’s hoping you’d have forgotten by then, or it’ll be to late.

I think you need to sit down and make a life plan. I remember we said we’d move from flat to house, get the car loan paid off, and then would have children. Is there any reason he doesn’t want kids - commitment? Cost? Feels trapped? Too young?

For me, not having children would be a deal breaker. Better to find out now, then hang around and wait.

Glitterstars · 04/07/2023 09:23

At 22 most men wouldn’t want kids. Me and my hubby were the same we have been together since 17 and I genuinely didn’t want kids and he was the same I then hit 30 and it all changed and it’s all I wanted. Luckily hubby was in the same page and looking back I think he used to say he didn’t want kids because I said I didn’t. He is the best dad to our 2 kids x

Naunet · 04/07/2023 14:30

I think you’re both way, way too young. Go and travel, explore, build careers, have fun, enjoy not having anything to tie you down and please get married before having children for your own protection (especially if you plan to be a SAHM). I don’t want to sound patronising at all, but your own brains haven’t even finished developing yet, just take your time, there’s no need to rush these things.

standardduck · 04/07/2023 14:47

I was not sure if I wanted kids in my early 20s and went back and forth until I met my partner when I was 27. You are still so young and things can change. I would wait a few more years and then talk about it again.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 04/07/2023 14:49

ChiliBeanz · 03/07/2023 16:56

Good points!

TheInterceptor · 04/07/2023 14:51

I absolutely, definitely didn't want children at 22. Ended up with 4. As pp said, agree to a future date where you'll revisit the idea and see where you're both up to. There's no rush at this stage.

Beachhutnut · 04/07/2023 14:52

Don't marry him unless he is clear he wants kids. At some point it will be a deal-breaker. Yes you're young now and maybe he's panicking but have a timeline in your head and be prepared to walk away if he's not onboard by then.

firsttimemum1230 · 04/07/2023 14:52

I knew I wanted kids early and I had my first at 26. I’d of started panicking close to 30 but I’m definitely glad I waited it out. You get your life back either way at some stage!

JorisBonson · 04/07/2023 14:56

He may not change his mind. I've known I didn't want kids since I was a young teen. It's up to you to see if he does have second thoughts, but you should respect his decision now as it is and plan accordingly. If you want children more than this relationship you have loads of time.

Gateappreciation · 04/07/2023 21:49

People are saying that the op is too young to know whether she wants kids. I knew at 22 I wanted kids. I didn’t necessarily want to give birth at that time, but I knew it was part of my long term plan.

Yes, go and travel, but I think it’s important to know what dp wants. Make it clear how important kids are to you. Don’t let him sweet-talk you in saying things you want to hear, you’ve to believe him. Too many times there have been threads on mn when dps have promised kids in 2,5,10 years, and the poster has reached mid or late 30s child-less.

HiLee19 · 17/07/2023 09:46

Just to clarify, I’m mostly doing all the chores because DH leaves around 7/8am and get home around 8/9pm almost every night. He is exhausted and I feel sorry for him, I think it’s unfair for me to expect him to do much. If he get home earlier he sometimes cooks.
I’ve asked him how does he expect to have family with lifestyle like this? I’ve been clear that our current set-up will not happen on my watch and I’m not putting up with having an absent father. He is happy to step back and take on more duties, do school runs etcs. I’m 33 and DH 35, he never showed any interest in kids until his best pals started having them. He loves spending time with them, we’ve looked after their kids on a few occasions and DH was very hands on. He is now moaning that his life doesn’t have any purpose and he only works so hard because there is nothing else better to do.
I’m still worried that I’ll get fuck over. I’ve never had any maternal feelings. I’m ashamed to admit but I actually don’t like babies and toddlers. This entire situation is not so black or white. If my DH didn’t offer any help I would never EVER consider having a baby. I guess I’m scared of unknown but also unsure how much support I’ll actually will get.

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