How do i even start to approach this issue ?

[Rewiremymind]

From an extremely young age my mother would deliberately make me jealous of others . I’m talking around age 2 as early as I have memories.
constant things like pointing out girls my age who were ‘prettier’, ‘better behaved’ , ‘nicer’ comments like ‘I wish you were like that/ looked like that/behaved like that’ etc

People in RL or on tv so pretty constant

Throughout school years any friends she told me she liked them better than me and wished she had a daughter like that etc to the point I was then out of the blue horrible to them so lost all my friends as she made me hate them. I’d try to copy people she said she liked so that she liked me too but then she would ridicule me for it

She told me whenever my cousin visited how much she loved her and loved seeing her. She never told me she loved me.
Then she had my sister and did the same always comparing us and I was always the bad one / fat one/ ugly one/ naughty one.

Very very occasionally she would maybe once a year throw in a random day where she was over the top nice to me . I’d be at the point of acceptance and not trying for her affection anymore and she would suddenly be wonderful to me and I’d have hope again then it would revert back.
I don’t know how to undo this damage as I’m such a jealous person now. I feel like my kind is wired up from being so so little to this. Do I need therapy and what sort ?

I think you should look at counselling. It's in your past and it isn't going to change, but a good counsellor will help you with coming to terms with everything.

I agree with PP, I think therapy could work wonders for you. You need to separate her behavior and the things she said from you as a person. Her actions are part of some problem she had, sounds like she took stuff within herself out on you to punish you and make herself feel better.
Ring a counselor and make an apt asap, itll make you feel tonnes better if you work with them.

Op I have sympathy

My own mother was very similiar. Over the years I've pondered this and realise it was ALWAYS out of earshot of my Dad who thought she was wonderful. I think it was some sort of projection, her own childhood was rubbish

I agree counselling may help you.

She must have been (is) a very unhappy woman to be so vindictive and abusive. What were her own parents like?

Please believe this was her issues, her warped thinking, her anger and misery that made her treat you the way she did.

I would echo PP that therapy/counselling is best way forward and I'd also recommend learning about core beliefs and how they shape your self view from an early age.

This article is a good starting place;

https://www.betterrelationships.org.au/well-being/core-beliefs-self-acceptance/

I would look for a psychotherapist with experience in family trauma OP, the BACP website is a good place to start

Thanks I’ll look into that today. I feel so lost. I hate that I’m so jealous she always used to laugh at me and say ‘the green eyed monster ! That will SUFFOCATE any relationship you ever have!’ And it is and I feel awful

This. I'd choose a qualified therapist with specific relevant experience. Unless you really can't afford otherwise then I wouldn't bother trying NHS CBT or less specialist counselling first.

It sounds like you have a lot of insight into what happened and how it affects you now which will stand you in good stead for making progress.

I want to do better and be better and I want to change but I literally feel like I need a brain rewire. I have to fight my jealousy daily. I have to take myself off and cry and tell myself I can’t behave in the way I want to as it’s wrong and I can’t let her win

She failed you OP, and it is very clearly her failure, not yours, this isn't your fault. She 'taught' you this behaviour, it comes from her, but you have enough self awareness to see it and want to change it which gives you a massive advantage and means you don't need to end up like her. A therapist can help you 'unlearn' what she taught you growing up, you can be free of her voice in your head

You have suffered years of traumatic emotional abuse from the person who was supposed to look after you. I agree with others that you would benefit from counselling. If you don't know where to ask, contact your GP surgery and speak to them.

Are you still in contact with her?

Gosh this is so sad to read.

I had very similar abuse OP. I had a best friend for some years & ‘D’M started saying I looked gay (lovely bit of open mindedness there), called me fat constantly (I wasn’t but became anorexic), told me I was useless every day, why wasn’t I this, that, the other.

Wondered why I didn’t have a boyfriend when she sapped any shred of confidence I might have had.

Beat me up (to the point of unconsciousness) regularly.

As someone up thread has said, the beatings in particular were saved for when my dad wasn’t in.
Everything was my fault. She really didn’t have a bad life. I think she did it just because she could.

Therapy hasn’t helped. The only things that have worked for me have been doing lots of mind, body and spirit stuff. Yoga every day, reiki etc.

Helps release the rage. The feeling of not deserving a place on the earth because you’ve been conditioned into believing so.

You have to keep it up to keep the depression at bay.

I feel for you. Poor little 2 year old you. Poor little childhood you, jettisoning your friends because of your grief. I hope you find a way.

Had similar.

Go with therapy.

Talking therapy didn't work for me, other than it was helpful to be told over and over that I have worth, and she pointed out some of my behaviours which were self distructive (that I thought were normal).

Hypnotherapy was more successful for me.

Good luck, keep climbing! You have self awareness and that is, believe me, 1/2 the battle! x

@Rewiremymind - your post is heartbreaking. I just want to scoop up the abused, traumatised little girl that you were and give her the biggest hug and tell her all the ways in which she is fabulous.

Therapy from a really competent counsellor would be a good start.

Perhaps some work with your inner child would be helpful also. You sound very self aware and I bet you can make a good life for yourself. Do you feel able to parent the lost little girl inside you? Tell her that you’re in charge now and you’re going to look after her. Can you start treating yourself as valuable? What interests do you have? What things do you enjoy doing? Can you give yourself some of these things? You may or may not like new age stuff but writings and recordings by someone like Louise Hay might be helpful for you.