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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Advice on becoming a single parent

14 replies

Terrifiedforthefuture · 03/07/2023 11:35

My marriage has irretrievably broken down. I have two little ones under 5. Can any single parents give me some pointers and advice on coping with this enormous life change?

Right now I feel like I’m struggling to put one foot in front of the other and don’t know how I’ll cope or ever feel like I have a normal life again. Children’s father will not have much involvement and definitely no overnights.

OP posts:
TickingKey46 · 03/07/2023 11:47

Hey xx I had a 4 and a 5 year old when I separated. Just try and get through the day and don't be too hard on yourself or your children. Their behaviour may well be all over the place, but aventually your life will sort itself out. Z

audweb · 03/07/2023 11:49

Day by day, lower your standards until you get into routines that suit you. Don’t be afraid to use friends/family or paid child care even for short breaks so you can look after yourself. An early night every now and then helps reset.

eventually you get into a way of life that works, I promise, even though it doesn’t feel like it now.

MaxwellCat · 03/07/2023 14:18

I find it hard but like you no overnights at all so means I don’t get any time off at all from parenting. That’s what’s really making it tough.

greenstrawberry · 03/07/2023 14:26

Focus on putting one foot in front of the other. Small steps in the right direction rather than trying to achieve too much big stuff. E.g. 5 mins a day of life admin / paperwork, 5 mins of decluttering, clean one small area, etc etc.

Routine is helpful. Try to get out of the house at least once a day even just around the block.

Get whatever gadgets you can that help e.g. tumble dryer, dishwasher etc etc - anything that cuts down on the daily grind a little and makes things a little easier. Shop online for groceries (shopping with kids is too difficult). Days out don't have to be big, full on affairs - just a visit to the park is good enough and if you don't manage it and have a day of TV then go easy on yourself.

Use screens as often as you need to! And don't feel guilty about it.

Declutter like a mad woman, because life is a lot easier when you have less stuff with kids around.

If you and the kids need a day off school because everything is too much again take it. Sometimes the school run is too much to deal with and historically I took occasional days off with the kids because I couldn't deal with it and was so knackered!

Preparing the night before for school (lunches, uniforms) and doing them in batches to save time is also helpful (e.g. 2-3 days at a time).

Depending on your financial situation it always makes sense to watch your money as a LP. I am very careful because I have to be. e.g. charity shopping for kids clothes etc - buying in advance for older ages, because when you need something you might not find it.

Occasional basic holidays away from the house also good - just in the UK - a little break from your regular environment and all the housework.

Get to bed early whenever you can. You will feel loads better.

greenstrawberry · 03/07/2023 14:29

Oh on school days kids have to be fully dressed in uniforms before they are allowed breakfast (it is a motivating thing to help them get dressed on time!). No TV in the mornings. Use an all over "painting" apron over uniforms to protect from spillages... makes school mornings a bit easier.

Terrifiedforthefuture · 03/07/2023 14:34

These are all excellent tips. How did you deal with your emotions in the early days following the split? I am heartbroken and can’t stop crying today

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 03/07/2023 14:59

I've been a lone parent to DD14 since she was 2. No financial contribution, no contact.

Right now you are grieving. Keep everything really simple for now.

Can I ask what your financial situation is? Advice kind of depends on that.

And honestly things get easier as they get older.

Terrifiedforthefuture · 03/07/2023 15:55

I am a sahm. H is a high earner so I claim no benefits, not even child benefit. My eldest child has SN and my youngest has a chronic health condition requiring frequent hospital admissions so working now or in the near future is not an option for me right now.

H’s wages go into a joint account but I don’t normally use this, I have my own separate account that money gets transferred into monthly. However I have just accessed the joint account through online banking and transferred some more over to myself.

Our family home is in H’s name only as when we bought it a long time ago my credit was not great. He will not dispute me staying in the family home with the children however he might try and remortgage in the future to try and get some money out of the equity of the house so I will contact a solicitor this week and see about registering my interest in the house so he can’t do that behind my back.

Does anyone else have any advice???

OP posts:
Terrifiedforthefuture · 03/07/2023 16:03

P.s. appreciate all advice given so far! Today has been such a struggle

OP posts:
Lorddenning1 · 03/07/2023 16:09

Hello, this tread really helped me

How do you adjust to life as a lone parent? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics/3339230-how-do-you-adjust-to-life-as-a-lone-parent

StMarysTrainee · 03/07/2023 16:23

You really must get proper financial advice as soon as possible!
I had a 3yr old, 4 yr old and 7yr old, absolutely no family support or overnights with ex etc. I always allowed myself loads of time for everything - so we got up at 7am though didn’t leave for school till 8.20am, the 15 min walk I always allowed 30 min for, etc. It worked, we were always on time. I found really good routines helped enormously - the kids knew there was no point pratting around at bedtime for example as it just wasn’t going to get past me - bath, books, bed worked until secondary school.
On an emotional level - that gets easier too. The first of everything is hard, the first day, first school holidays, first Halloween, etc, but time does heal and you should find pride in how incredible you are. Because you are.

gogomoto · 03/07/2023 16:32

Do register for child benefit straight away, if you haven't already see if your little one is eligible for dla. If he's left register for universal credit. Longer term you need to consider employment as it puts you more in the driving seat. I'd also start mentally preparing to downsize, but whether this can be achieved as a clean break, a home owned outright is a huge advantage if you can't work full time. Without knowing their medical situation whether you would be expected to work with universal credit is unsure, be prepared for dealing with them.

Also you say not much involvement but many men change their tune when they see how much child support they are expected to pay. Remember long term having even one day a fortnight can make the difference to you having a life or not, why should he get to walk away???

GoldDuster · 03/07/2023 16:34

Give yourself a thousand breaks, and then give yourself a thousand more.

You've not failed, you've not got a broken home, you're all going to be ok. A above, get as organised as you can, and lower your expectations about what makes a successful day/week/year. If the children are loved and know you're there for them, and know it's not their fault that you are struggling some days, they will be ok. It's ok for them to see you being human and starting again tomorrow.

There are loads of positives, and if your relationship has been breaking down for some time you might find that once the dust has settled, the peace, autonomy and independence that seperation brings, along with some difficulties, is bloody amazing!

jeaux90 · 04/07/2023 09:40

Definitely seek legal advice, asap.

Why will he not have any overnight access? Surely he needs a relationship with his kids and you also need a break and to have a life.

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