Me and my partner have had a difficult relationship and have split up once (he has moved out) and are now trying to work on ourselves and our relationship and wondering if we could make things work. There are several issues though.
My friends and family don't like him. He doesn't socialise well or relax around them and can't be himself. He never has, which is partly why they don't like him. He has always come across as rude and a bit of a braggart. Saying how great he is at stuff in front of people. He does this a lot anyway and although it makes me uncomfortable and is cringeworthy, I put up with it but when he does it in front of others it's really embarrassing. I've asked him why he does it and he says it's to boost his own confidence because "nobody else does". I'm not sure how to respond to that but nobody goes round telling me how great I am either so...
He will often try and leave social events early because insert any excuse he can think of and sometimes that means I have to leave early too, which bothers me. To clarify, he doesn't mind me staying out without him, sometimes it's just not practical. It's frustrating as he is a completely different person when it's just us or we are with his family/friends.
His rudeness still bothers me though and he only ever seems to be rude to women, not men. It's a red flag for me and I feel like he doesn't really respect women (including me) even though he says he does. He grew up with violent, abusive father though, so has a lot of underlying issues himself. He has said he will get therapy for this but hasn't yet. Along with this trauma we think he might have adhd. I've been having therapy for similar childhood trauma issues myself for a few months now and I'm encouraging him to do the same as I am starting to feel the benefits. That said, he has been very busy getting himself in shape with dieting and a fitness regime that he is doing really well with and is much fitter and healthier than he was before.
Something else that bothered me recently is that when we were discussing our relationship he said something along the lines of 'if I wasn't with you I'd be single, sexless and miserable. I wouldn't be a nice person'.
It's been bothering me as I've already discussed with him how I feel like he is only with me because of sex and to feel loved. I could be anyone. I don't feel like he loves me for who I am, I feel like he wants to be with me because I have sex with him and show him love. I feel objectified. Also, if we're together he gets to see the children more than if we weren't, so there's that too.
The reasons we split were many and varied, we were both at fault. He has been unpleasant more times than I can count, which caused me to develop feelings for someone else (nothing happened) and I'm terrible at communicating. I shut down whenever I feel uncomfortable and won't broach the subject until later on or often don't talk about it at all because the moment never arrives. I've been working on this a lot and we have had a lot more discussions recently but I still struggle to address things 'in the moment'.
We had such a lovely weekend away recently as a family unit, where we went to a wedding (his family) and we all had such a good time with no issues at all. He even talked about wanting us to get married in the future (probably caught up in the wedding vibes) but now we are back to reality, as it were, the spark has gone again for me. This happens to me regularly though. I struggle with decision making and question my decisions constantly. I flip flop from thinking it will work and we will be ok to thinking it's ridiculous, it won't work, we're too different, he's too difficult to deal with, so what's the point. I really don't know what to do.
Sorry, this turned long, was trying not to drip feed!