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Original poster

Danger-Loving DH and concerning parenting

71 replies

Baggytrouser · 03/07/2023 07:54

I want to leave DH.
I am not fulfilled in my marriage and haven't been for around 5 years. It is time to go. Our children are 6 and 8.

However, I am terrified of how he will parent when I am not around to protect them. He has a love of danger and pushes the children to embrace danger. I never thought he would be this type of parent, although I knew he enjoyed adrenaline when we met. He also drove erratically which was always a worry but I just thought he would be different with children in the backseat. I was naive, however I guess this is partly understandable given his job as an assistant headteacher!!

The danger I'm talking about:
-Encouraging our weak swimmer child at age 5 to go in the sea when choppy without swimming aids and her getting into trouble in the sea. It absolutely terrifying her. She nearly drowned.

-Encouraging the children to play with fire unaccompanied- he is convinced that this is how they learn danger. He literally created a bonfire in the back garden and left them alone to play with it. I came home horrified ans he called me a hypochondriac for panicking and moving them away.

-Driving at 100 mph with them in the backseat of the car.

-He left our youngest child playing out front on her own when she was 3. Our driveway is not gated.

-He keeps talking about building a "danger slide" in our garden as we have split levels. I have no doubt that he means literally dangerous.

If I ever took him to court over custody, my claims would be laughed out of court. He's an assistant head with a record of excellence. He has taken secondary age children on numerous trips with no accidents to date.

Yep. I was a fool for having kids with him, but I can't go back now. Do I need to remain married to him to protect my children?

OP posts:
Original poster
Baggytrouser · 03/07/2023 07:56

Oh and if they fall ill, he believes in leaving them alone to get better. This is how our eldest child ended up in hospital with dehydration following a sickness bug.

OP posts:
Mumofnarnia · 03/07/2023 08:05

Jesus he sounds like a psychopath! Anyone who thinks it’s ok to play with fire is concerning, let alone encourage children to play with fire!!! And getting a 5 year old to almost drown! He has absolutely no regard to anyone’s feelings or safety! OP I have read a lot of concerning threads on other people’s partners and husbands but this one is one of the most concerning I’ve read! Please protect your children and get you and your children out of this marriage before your children end up getting killed!

FrenchandSaunders · 03/07/2023 08:08

Christ how on earth did he manage to get an asst head job!

Mumofnarnia · 03/07/2023 08:10

The more I think of it the more I feel he is purposely wanting your kids to come to harm. He sounds unhinged, definitely not normal at all! What sort of parent would allow their children to play with fire and almost drown and drive erratically!

SunflowerTed · 03/07/2023 08:12

I’d stick it out until they are older. Seriously they come first

BertieBotts · 03/07/2023 08:19

Is being married to him really protecting them though? All the things that you describe have happened while you are married to him. If you need to leave, I would leave. Don't stay over a false perception of safety.

At six and eight they likely have a sense of self preservation, so I think not as risky to leave them in his care as it might have been when they were younger and have no awareness of danger at all. Just keep drilling safety rules into them when they're with you, like seatbelts etc, and perhaps hope that the less time he has with them the less chance he has to expose them to ridiculousness? For example, if they have a death slide in the garden where they live 50% (or less) of the time vs 100% of the time, that's half the risk of obtaining injuries from it.

I have to admit your post unfortunately reminded me of the most horrific OP I've ever read on MN where the poster's H (also prone to totally insane risk taking) had put petrol on a bonfire while their 3yo was in the buggy next to it and basically burned all her skin off. She survived but OMG. (The marriage did not!)

Bananalanacake · 03/07/2023 08:20

Did he have the decency to feel bad when the DC ended up in hospital with dehydration when it could have been prevented, I hope you or the hospital gave him a good talking to.

BertieBotts · 03/07/2023 08:21

And give your eldest a phone so they can contact you if they are ever unsure about something and you can go and pick them up.

Mumofnarnia · 03/07/2023 08:22

Baggytrouser · 03/07/2023 07:54

I want to leave DH.
I am not fulfilled in my marriage and haven't been for around 5 years. It is time to go. Our children are 6 and 8.

However, I am terrified of how he will parent when I am not around to protect them. He has a love of danger and pushes the children to embrace danger. I never thought he would be this type of parent, although I knew he enjoyed adrenaline when we met. He also drove erratically which was always a worry but I just thought he would be different with children in the backseat. I was naive, however I guess this is partly understandable given his job as an assistant headteacher!!

The danger I'm talking about:
-Encouraging our weak swimmer child at age 5 to go in the sea when choppy without swimming aids and her getting into trouble in the sea. It absolutely terrifying her. She nearly drowned.

-Encouraging the children to play with fire unaccompanied- he is convinced that this is how they learn danger. He literally created a bonfire in the back garden and left them alone to play with it. I came home horrified ans he called me a hypochondriac for panicking and moving them away.

-Driving at 100 mph with them in the backseat of the car.

-He left our youngest child playing out front on her own when she was 3. Our driveway is not gated.

-He keeps talking about building a "danger slide" in our garden as we have split levels. I have no doubt that he means literally dangerous.

If I ever took him to court over custody, my claims would be laughed out of court. He's an assistant head with a record of excellence. He has taken secondary age children on numerous trips with no accidents to date.

Yep. I was a fool for having kids with him, but I can't go back now. Do I need to remain married to him to protect my children?

Why would your claims be laughed out of court? Is that what he’s manipulated you into thinking? I have been through court battles before with my children and I can assure you they would take your concerns very seriously. You need to try and get some sort of evidence as to what he’s doing to back up your claims! Please go and seek legal advice asap! Do not stay in this marriage.

TheaBrandt · 03/07/2023 08:22

Teach the kids to be able to stand firm against him and flat refuse his instructions.

ThatFraggle · 03/07/2023 08:26

At school they have to do safeguarding and risk assessments.

Ask him why the safety of his own children is less important than that of children at his job.

Hibiscrubbed · 03/07/2023 08:27

You need to put things in place now ahead of your plans to divorce him. You need to speak to social services, you need to speak to a GP, you could speak to police about the dangerous driving with children on board, you need to create a paper trail (including an evidential list of incidents) to demonstrate the deliberate danger (it goes beyond risk, he’s creating these situations) he puts your children in.

BonnieBobbin · 03/07/2023 08:28

I agree with a PP, all those examples happened whilst you were married to him so being married isn't keeping the DCs safe.
His risk taking may also be a symptom of controlling behaviour - which would fit his assistant HT role. By creating uncertainty about the DCs' safety, he's making you hyper-vigilant and causing you to remain in a situation/relationship that you want to leave.
Document any unsafe situations. From now on and whilst you're planning to leave - take the DCs to the GP if the risks impact their health eg after DC getting into difficulty in the sea.

Mumofnarnia · 03/07/2023 08:28

BertieBotts · 03/07/2023 08:19

Is being married to him really protecting them though? All the things that you describe have happened while you are married to him. If you need to leave, I would leave. Don't stay over a false perception of safety.

At six and eight they likely have a sense of self preservation, so I think not as risky to leave them in his care as it might have been when they were younger and have no awareness of danger at all. Just keep drilling safety rules into them when they're with you, like seatbelts etc, and perhaps hope that the less time he has with them the less chance he has to expose them to ridiculousness? For example, if they have a death slide in the garden where they live 50% (or less) of the time vs 100% of the time, that's half the risk of obtaining injuries from it.

I have to admit your post unfortunately reminded me of the most horrific OP I've ever read on MN where the poster's H (also prone to totally insane risk taking) had put petrol on a bonfire while their 3yo was in the buggy next to it and basically burned all her skin off. She survived but OMG. (The marriage did not!)

They may have a sense of self preservation but they may also now think that playing with fire and almost drowning and driving at 100mph and getting a thrill out of danger is completely normal. Plus if he’s encouraging them to play with danger then there’s that sense of pressure they are going to feel too. The man is not safe for them to be around!

HappyHippoBirthay · 03/07/2023 08:30

He's an absolute cunt and I get how you thought he was safe because of the nature of his job.
I think I would report him to police for dangerous driving when possible or social services or maybe have cameras set up with the excuse that it's for security so there is evidence of his reckless behaviour. I read on here of a few women who wouldn't leave because they don't trust their husband to look after the children on his days to have them until they child was old enough, I think that poster said 14. It's a heck of a sacrifice but I can understand her reasoning.

HappyHippoBirthay · 03/07/2023 08:33

I would also speak to a family solicitor they should know what you need to do however if it's too expensive right now the advice on here has been excellent. Definitely document and keep a paper trail as you can't watch the kids 24/7 if he's living with them you could turn around and he's done something. You would ideally want supervised access, I assume.
How very worrying for you. I'm sorry you've ended up with this shit. Don't give up fighting.

Original poster
Baggytrouser · 03/07/2023 09:10

FrenchandSaunders · 03/07/2023 08:08

Christ how on earth did he manage to get an asst head job!

@FrenchandSaunders he is a completely different person at work, but he is acting for the sake of his job.

OP posts:
Original poster
Baggytrouser · 03/07/2023 09:12

Bananalanacake · 03/07/2023 08:20

Did he have the decency to feel bad when the DC ended up in hospital with dehydration when it could have been prevented, I hope you or the hospital gave him a good talking to.

@Bananalanacake he said it was "one of those things" and doesn't appear to see the cause and effect in these situations. I was adamant that we needed to keep waking him to give sips of water and he was adamant that he needed to "sleep it off." He made me feel like I was overreacting but it turns out I wasn't.

OP posts:
Original poster
Baggytrouser · 03/07/2023 09:14

ThatFraggle · 03/07/2023 08:26

At school they have to do safeguarding and risk assessments.

Ask him why the safety of his own children is less important than that of children at his job.

It's like he's acting at work @ThatFraggle . I've worked with him. He's a completely different guy. Follows all the rules, does everything by the book. I know he doesn't really care about anything deep down, but he does it to create a positive image of himself at work. He's very highly respected in his profession.

OP posts:
Original poster
Baggytrouser · 03/07/2023 09:22

The evidence is the troubling part @Mumofnarnia . The only thing I can think of is that I've seen the same therapist for 5 years and discussed many worries I've had re safety. I asked her to write a factual report once on the things I'd discussed with her she said she would write it but she advised that this may cause more trouble than good. Should I go back to her and request it?

OP posts:
Mumofnarnia · 03/07/2023 09:31

Baggytrouser · 03/07/2023 09:22

The evidence is the troubling part @Mumofnarnia . The only thing I can think of is that I've seen the same therapist for 5 years and discussed many worries I've had re safety. I asked her to write a factual report once on the things I'd discussed with her she said she would write it but she advised that this may cause more trouble than good. Should I go back to her and request it?

Hi op, I would get legal advice as a solicitor will tell you the best way forward. I would mention the factual report and see what the solicitor has to say.

The family court system concentrated on the best needs for the children so it’s best not to try and score points against your DH as they will just see you as being bitter towards him rather than thinking of your children! You need to drum into the court that you feel there is a safeguarding issue if the children are left unattended with their dad and explain all your reasons why. I literally went through court with absolutely no evidence but I was successful in getting what I wanted as I showed that I was putting my children’s needs and safeguarding as a priority.

Knowing a family court, they like to try give the other parent access so it’s going to be hard to get them to stop contact altogether but I would maybe try and push for supervised contact.

Did anyone witness you lo almost drown? Was there a referral made to a safeguarding unit? If so then you will have a paper trail already.

ThatFraggle · 03/07/2023 09:33

I know everyone diagnoses people online, but he sounds like an actual psychopath.

I think you need to put an official record somewhere that you think he is trying to put the children in harm's way.

That way, he would not want to get in trouble over an 'accident' when there's a record and pre warning.

Original poster
Baggytrouser · 03/07/2023 09:35

I don't think he's "trying" to put them in harms way @ThatFraggle I genuinely think he has a warped view of what safety and teaching safety is all about.

OP posts:
NeverThatSerious · 03/07/2023 09:42

I hate to say this, he sounds just like a relative of mine, completely irresponsible and honestly fucking unhinged. It’s like they think it’s all fun and games being this wild, but only until it goes wrong, and for my relative it did. His toddler died this year.
I hate to say it, but I don’t think I’d be able to bring myself to leave him, if just be so worried about what could happen without me there to protect them, and I don’t know how much you can rely on the authorities to protect them for you.

Mumofnarnia · 03/07/2023 09:42

ThatFraggle · 03/07/2023 09:33

I know everyone diagnoses people online, but he sounds like an actual psychopath.

I think you need to put an official record somewhere that you think he is trying to put the children in harm's way.

That way, he would not want to get in trouble over an 'accident' when there's a record and pre warning.

This is what I said earlier. I read somewhere that there is a strong correlation between psychopaths and playing with fire/ lighting fires. Of course, we could be wrong but he’s certainly something! His behaviour is not normal at all and any normal human being would not behave like this or knowingly put their children in a position where their lives are at risk! A ‘danger slide’ wtf? Bloody hell, he sends chills down my spine just reading this post!