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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm doubting if I should stay with her

23 replies

Palo · 03/07/2023 00:30

Here is the thing she's the only on that felt different, I've never met anybody like that before, but at the same time I can't say I love her and something I'm a little fed up but I still like her. A lot of people say about me that I'm emotionally unavailable and at the same time she's amazing and is ready to work with me but it comes with a lot of arguments. I'm not gonna think about how certain of my actions can make her feel but I know and She knows that I wouldn't anything to disrespect her. Or sometimes I don't do enough or forget obvious thing like saying have a safe flight.
She tells me that she'll never leave me that I'm the only one that can leave her and honestly she's making me doubt more than anything talking like that.
there is probably lot of other elements that needs to be said to completely understand the situation

OP posts:
Original poster
Palo · 03/07/2023 00:33

Also I forgot to mention it but we're long distance and have been together since 3months

OP posts:
GarlicGrace · 03/07/2023 00:45

From your description, this sounds like a very uneven relationship. She seems to be wanting a high level of emotional involvement for a 3-month affair that is mostly long distance.

Can I just check whether you've met in person?

SD1978 · 03/07/2023 00:46

Have you met? Do you regularly? Sounds like she is a bit full on, to me, and you are not that bothered. Not a great start to any relationship.

ComeTheFckOnBridget · 03/07/2023 00:46

She sounds intense

Original poster
Palo · 03/07/2023 00:50

Yes we met, we had 1.5 month together in person with it's up and downs too

OP posts:
Original poster
Palo · 03/07/2023 00:51

Yes we met in person

OP posts:
ComeTheFckOnBridget · 03/07/2023 01:03

Doesn't sound promising tbh

Shouldn't be this much hard work this early on

GarlicGrace · 03/07/2023 01:04

Good to hear you know each other in real life. She does sound irrationally full-on, though. This would put me off, for two reasons. Firstly, she isn't hearing where you're at with your feelings but is trying to push you to be what she wants. Secondly - and sort of related - this is how a lot of abusers start.

She tells me that she'll never leave me that I'm the only one that can leave her

That's just words from a bad film or book! It isn't romantic, it's clingy and controlling. She'll "never leave you" but is always trying to change you? Red flag.

Original poster
Palo · 03/07/2023 01:07

I still like her and I've never met anybody like her and I'm trying to understand her points, which makes sense most of the time. So I try to better myself

OP posts:
SD1978 · 03/07/2023 01:12

So someone moved away after your been seeing each other for 6 weeks. Have you met up since moving? I really wouldn't be putting this much effort into a relationship that in person was 6 weeks.

Juanmartinez · 03/07/2023 01:13

Do you think that you are emotionally unavailable? It sounds like this isn't going to work, especially if it's long distance .

Original poster
Palo · 03/07/2023 01:16

Yeah I live in France She's in the US.
Honestly I don't know if I'm emotionally unavailable. I don't think I feel a lot of emotion or at least I keep it for myself

OP posts:
Original poster
Palo · 03/07/2023 02:02

Also I just realized but She specifically told me that she didn't want me to talk of the down to anyone which if I'm not mistaking is a pretty big red flag

OP posts:
BreviloquentBastard · 03/07/2023 02:07

Lots of arguments only 3 months in?

Sounds like a lot of hard work at the stage in a relationship where it's supposed to be easy breezy walking on sunshine lollipops and rainbows.

itsmylife7 · 03/07/2023 02:38

End it unless you like the drama it brings ?

GarlicGrace · 03/07/2023 17:16

Palo · 03/07/2023 02:02

Also I just realized but She specifically told me that she didn't want me to talk of the down to anyone which if I'm not mistaking is a pretty big red flag

Yep. Sorry.
So far, just 3 months in, we have:
I will never let you go 🚩
I need you to change your personality 🚩🚩🚩🚩
You must talk to me the way I tell you to 🚩
You will never speak of our arguments 🚩🚩🚩

It's reasonable to wonder why people like this don't just choose partners who already meet their requirements! The answer is that it's not about any of the issues they raise. What they want is control.

Stirredandconfused678 · 03/07/2023 17:32

Op, it’s hard to advise on so little information but , for what it’s worth, I think you need to let this one go!

Relationships shouldn’t be this hard so early on!

And it’s a big red flag for someone to say « I will never let you go » after such a short period of time. Not sensible, not balanced.

When you get older like me, your realise that love and attraction are great but you need so much more in a relationship for it to work. Look at her actions as well as her words. A loving relationship should be supportive and boost you up, not cause you to doubt yourself!

And of course you can talk to your friends about your relationship difficulties… any girlfriend or boyfriend who says you can’t , especially after such a short time, is trying to control you.

My advice would be to step
away and work on your own confidence op. You don’t sound to me (mean this kindly not harshly) that you have very well defined boundaries.

Good luck!

Original poster
Palo · 03/07/2023 22:45

Ok ok I see yes I don't know my boundaries it's my first relationship so a lot of new things, I guess it doesn't help either and I never really put a lot of thought on what I want out of a relationship. At the beginning it just felt natural and like she was like the first time that I felt a connection with someone that feels like more was possible than just a friendship

OP posts:
Stirredandconfused678 · 03/07/2023 23:09

I hope you find someone who is more suitable op! Chalk this one up to experience!

Inauthentic · 03/07/2023 23:36

A bit off topic perhaps but do you have some kind of neurodiversity?

Mmhmmn · 04/07/2023 00:08

Palo · 03/07/2023 00:30

Here is the thing she's the only on that felt different, I've never met anybody like that before, but at the same time I can't say I love her and something I'm a little fed up but I still like her. A lot of people say about me that I'm emotionally unavailable and at the same time she's amazing and is ready to work with me but it comes with a lot of arguments. I'm not gonna think about how certain of my actions can make her feel but I know and She knows that I wouldn't anything to disrespect her. Or sometimes I don't do enough or forget obvious thing like saying have a safe flight.
She tells me that she'll never leave me that I'm the only one that can leave her and honestly she's making me doubt more than anything talking like that.
there is probably lot of other elements that needs to be said to completely understand the situation

"She tells me that she'll never leave me that I'm the only one that can leave her"

Alarm bells ringing. This statement is OTT and pretty bonkers. Way too intense .. needy.. possible narcissist

Trust your gut instinct

peucepetunias · 04/07/2023 00:13

ComeTheFckOnBridget · 03/07/2023 01:03

Doesn't sound promising tbh

Shouldn't be this much hard work this early on

This ^^

Sounds too much like hard work - sorry.

Original poster
Palo · 04/07/2023 06:51

No I don't have some kind of neurodiversity

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