Friend's toxic boyfriend drama

[Skiesfries]

I posted about this once before, back when they first got together. He was working overseas at first, met online and hit it off, he was sending her high value gifts before they'd even met. They had video calls etc and eventually met when he was back home on leave. Dated for a year but some drama - him stonewalling from time to time, communication issues and other stuff, blocking her online, being jealous for no reason etc. Eventually he broke it off but she kept trying to reconnect and they got back together.

This has happened another once or twice. Very similar patterns. And she will meet up and just go on about all the drama with this bloke. Other friends have been on the verge of falling out with her. I worry about the hold he's got over her tbh. I've never seen her like this over a man before. But she's always ended things before with other boyfriends. But with this guy (who we've never met) she seems to overlook all the bad stuff that was making her physically ill, wants to talk it through, doesn't cut him off, they keep talking and he starts telling her stuff she wants to hear and they're back together in a few weeks. But then she recently found out he'd cheated. Prior to this he'd been accusing her of stuff, it was ridiculous. Projecting. And despite this being something she'd always said she couldn't forgive she's somehow rationalised it all and taken him back.

She has a child as well, I feel sorry for the kid. He's never going to change and I worry about what might happen next.

Hopefully she won't let him move in as her child is her priority and doesn't want a stranger in their safe space.

Life you've never met him...are you sure she has? It could all be online and she's too embarrassed to say.

'He works overseas..' sounds like the beginnings of a standard catfish story. Has she given him money he has never played back by any chance?

Have you ever seen a photo of them both together?

*if not life

Hi sorry if my post was misleading. He's not a stranger to her child, they were introduced on the same day he first visited her and have been around each other most of the times they meet.

I've seen lots of photos of them together, he definitely exists! He lives about an hour away from her and they were taking turns to visit each other. Just thought it was bizarre I'd never met him after 2 plus years. Friend and I see each other regularly.

The worry is the hold he has over her when he's treated her so poorly. Stomped all over her boundaries, disappearing and ignoring her for days. And now he's cheated, put her health at risk and she's gone back for more despite saying she'd never take back a cheater. I have a feeling he'll be promising her the world but going back to his old ways soon enough.

I guess your options are to just stay out of it and nod along in bored fashion and change the subject as much as pos or

'Look Sandra, your partner is obviously a wrong'un. I know it and if you're being honest with yourself, you know it too. But for some reason, you're still with him. Honestly its your choice but I don't want to keep hearing about him and how he's fucked you over if you're going to just tell me the next week that you are back together. So how about in future we just don't talk about it anymore? It's exhausting. I love ya but I have to take care of my own health too. And i also, don't want to fall out with you over some guy. So let's keep our friendship separate. OK? I'm there for you for everything else, but that battle you're going to have to fight on your own' .

Or could talk to her or send her YouTube links about things like love bombing. And how to spot narcissists (npd).

Either way she might bale on you of course.

She introduced her child to the man the first day she met him in real life after meeting online?

Jesus Christ.

I would be finding it really hard to respect her based on such irresponsible, selfish parenting decisions I'm afraid.

She needs to put her son's wellbeing (including him having a happy, healthy mum) before her obsession with this arsehole tbh.

Yes that seems like the only option to save my sanity if nothing else. And I've got hard stuff going on in my own life, she's not aware of that though. But she dominates every conversation with all her drama, can't get a word in edgeways. Other friends have tried the other approach of saying he's a dick, wtf is she doing and she's shut them down. She just wants us to listen apparently. It's tiresome though.

I've sent her links about narcissists and love bombing before, she accepted them and chatted about it a bit but obviously hasn't taken it on board. She thought the gift giving was "just the way he is".

I was very concerned that she introduced them right away but she seemed to think it was OK as they'd video called a lot before and her kid was there too?! That's not the point though.